When to stop financially supporting adult kids
Comments
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I'm 31 & still live at home due to illness with my Mother.
I buy nearly all my own food and cook either for myself or for both of us.
Sometimes we want different things or to eat at different times and as adults work out the best way to share space etc.
I don't find anything odd about what you posted about their arrangement. I'm not a child obliged to take part in family meals. As an adult I get to choose when and what I eat.
Maybe look at it more as adults living together rather than a parent/child dynamic especially given the age of "child".
I certainly strive for an adults living together arrangement over a parent/child relationship. Because we are two adults living together, who just happen to be family.
Thats different though because thats what works for you. Youre both happy with that arrangement, and there isnt a problem.
Without going into gory details, its a very different situation in the household im referring to.
There's also the flipside where some adults due to circumstance are reliant on their parents, and the parents abuse this for control.0 -
I agree with maman.I take my children & grandchildren on holiday every year with my husband .We rent the villa and pay the airfares.It gives us enormous pleasure and its 2 weeks quality family time together,you can't take your money with you! so why not enjoy it while you can.We also help out with overpayments to their mortgages so they can be mortgage free sooner, like we did for ourselves.They have never asked us for a penny.But why would you not want to try to make life a little easier for the people you love.:)
Trouble is, if you pay for everything you can't know whether they actually want to holiday with you or just can't say no to a free holiday. You can't buy affection.0 -
When I wanted to stay on for the 6th form my mum asked for £5 a week from my part time wages of £16.50. She bought food although I got fed at work, and obviously bills, when I started full time work I paid 25% of my take home pay. I'm pretty sure it made me more responsible, and also made it easier to transition to moving out. My neighbours have 2 daughters 23 & 21 who work full time and pay nothing for them or their boyfriends who live there most of the time. Both parents complain about this but don't change it0
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I bought my first house last year at 31 with my girlfriend before that we both lived in my parents house. After uni it took me a long time to get a well paying job but the last 2 years I was living their I was on about 40k and girlfriend about 16k. I never paid rent not because I didn't offer but my parents are quite comfortable and just didn't need or want it.
That said all of my money bar a few luxuries was put into the house deposit. without their help over the years I wouldn't have been able to accomplish half the things I've managed.0 -
Tbh, and I have worked with people whose parents asked for money from a part-time job when they were in sixth form, I think it's wrong.maisie_cat wrote: »When I wanted to stay on for the 6th form my mum asked for £5 a week from my part time wages of £16.50. She bought food although I got fed at work, and obviously bills, when I started full time work I paid 25% of my take home pay. I'm pretty sure it made me more responsible, and also made it easier to transition to moving out. My neighbours have 2 daughters 23 & 21 who work full time and pay nothing for them or their boyfriends who live there most of the time. Both parents complain about this but don't change it
When you're still in education (FE), your parents can still claim child benefit and tax credits for you if they are eligible.
Use money from a p-time job to pay for things specific to you, socialising for example or clothes/make up/hair cuts etc. Maybe even transport if your college is expensive to travel to, but having to pay towards costs when parents are still in receipt of child related benefits I think is wrong - sorry!
Of course you might be talking a very long time ago and parents weren't receiving a penny.0 -
Tabbytabitha wrote: »Trouble is, if you pay for everything you can't know whether they actually want to holiday with you or just can't say no to a free holiday. You can't buy affection.
Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.:(I bought my first house last year at 31 with my girlfriend before that we both lived in my parents house. After uni it took me a long time to get a well paying job but the last 2 years I was living their I was on about 40k and girlfriend about 16k. I never paid rent not because I didn't offer but my parents are quite comfortable and just didn't need or want it.
That said all of my money bar a few luxuries was put into the house deposit. without their help over the years I wouldn't have been able to accomplish half the things I've managed.
It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.
I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.
Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.0 -
Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.:(
It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.
I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.
Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
No, I treat my stepdaughter all the time as Ive already posted. Its not a lot, certainly nothing I cant afford ( I only work PT on NMW) but I have more disposable income then she does
If Ive money and she's struggling to put petrol in the car, then its hers. I buy the shoes and coats for the grandkids to ensure they aren't running around in gutties all the time and I pay for the big pressie at Christmas,birthday etc so the kids don't miss out and mum doesn't have to struggle as much0 -
Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
You're not alone, maman - we're happy to treat our kids too. We don't go daft as we've never been a flashy sort of a family anyway, but we're perfectly happy to pick up the tab when we go for dinner with our grown up kids and our parents, or give them a few £'s towards the train fare when they pop up to visit. My mum and dad used to do the same 20/30 years ago, and we did appreciate it. Our children are generous too, even though they don't have a lot of cash: They'll maybe buy the ice-creams if we're at the park together, stump up for a take away, or pop round with cream cakes for everyone.
I often wonder if these people who are so "careful" with money where their families are concerned are so ungenerous with their friends (assuming they have friends.....:D).0 -
Tabbytabitha wrote: »Trouble is, if you pay for everything you can't know whether they actually want to holiday with you or just can't say no to a free holiday. You can't buy affection.
What sort of person would think a parent paying for a family holiday is someone trying to buy affection? Such a sad state of mind to exist in.0 -
Oh dear. That's a very sad way of thinking.:(
I think it's just realistic, you'd have to be a saint to turn down a free, all expenses paid holiday. It's the same with teenagers who'd generally prefer to holiday with friends if they could afford it, but carry on going away with their parents for free.
It's great to read posts like yours. I did exactly the same with my DDs and was delighted to give them the opportunity to save their deposits.
I know I'd have felt differently if they were wasting money but they are financially savvy so they didn't.
Sometimes I really feel in the minority here when I post about wanting to help/treat my children. I do appreciate that some posters are desperate for money and rely on Child Benefit for part of the family income but surely not as many as it sometimes seems.
I think there's an enormous difference between treating adult children and being a contributor to their everyday budget. I treated my parents whenever I could (including taking them on holiday) but I wouldn't have wanted to take their money when they were pensioners and I was in my thirties - that seems the wrong way round to me.0
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