Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

crazy_cat_lady · 2 August 2018 at 11:06AM

Morning all :coffee:
Unfortunately I still feel like utter s*** today. I had a rotten sleep last night, which didn't help. I can't switch my brain off from being angry about the whole situation, and really upset. I feel so sorry for myself at the moment, and am struggling without any adult company so far this week. I just can't get out of my head how much I gave for 16 years, how little I got in return, and now I've decided to move on he is still taking from me. My pension is worth tens of thousands because I cared enough to do something about a pension, and he didn't, and now he gets half of my pension for doing precisely nothing. That makes me absolutely sick to my stomach, and really angry. I basically had 3 kids that whole time, got into debt and paid that off without worrying him about it because he was ill, and now he gets to take what is mine and leave me in the s*** again. He gets a share of the house, even though I paid most of it for most of the time, and all of it so far this year. It just seems really unfair, and I feel like a 4 year old having a tantrum but it really hurts. I went into my marriage completely in love and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him and being a family, and he never wanted that, and now I have let him go and do his own thing he still takes from me - financially and emotionally. I mean, how dare he turn up at the house yesterday expecting me to fix everything for him, and be a friendly face when he's feeling like rubbish - that's precisely why I decided to divorce him. Beanie - he has no friends or family locally, and has made his own choice not to get emotionally involved with anyone, but still seems to expect me to be there for him. I think I need to toughen up about him coming to the house - dd doesn't want him here, and I'm not comfortable with it. I don't want to stop him seeing the kids but it doesn't have to be at my house. And I suppose if I need to I'll go ahead with getting the occupation order - I just don't want it to get messy and horrible.
Now I have that off my chest onto other things - not that there's much to say. I spent most of yesterday afternoon going between tears and anger, slept badly last night and have woken up today really tearful. I think I'm going to have to make myself do something to get out of the house or something. Not sure what yet, but if I stay in I think I'm just going to sit and mope which isn't good for anyone.

juliejim · 2 August 2018 at 11:14AM

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down CCL - it was never going to be easy but the financial side is hard to bear. PM me if you want to chat.
In the meantime, get out of the house and do something for you for a change.
Hugs
Jue

Buffythedebtslayer · 2 August 2018 at 3:06PM

Bloody hell I would be beside myself with fury. I didn't realise he would get half your pension? That is truly just awful.

I can vaguely understand the house because both parties contribute to that but toget half of your sodding pension. NO. But I never get divorces, always thought they were horribly unfair every since I had a(!!!!!!!!) boyfriend who's ex wife got the house (as she had children) and he got the debts (she had run in his name as he was dyslexic and had never had a credit card), he was only just able to keep his business. I just think if one party whatever their gender doesn't provide for their future then that is their problem. Which I appreciate makes me sound cold hearted but surely you should get back what you put in??

Sorry CCL that is probably not helpful.

I definitely think prearranged visits are good, in fact a must. Your home is your home, not somewhere he come can and disrupt, especially since 2/3 of the people living there don't feel overly comfortable with his visits. Pre arranged visits for sure.

I am sending you love CCL. Lots of love.

XXXXXXXXX

Sayschezza · 2 August 2018 at 4:03PM

Can you not do a deal forgoing any child maintenance etc in exchange for ring fencing your pension and offer him a sum for his share of the house as you have paid in more than him.

Fmess · 2 August 2018 at 4:18PM

Hi ccl

Im sorry that this is upsetting you. It seems really unfair. I dont know anything about the divorce process but from what I have heard, cant you draw up your ideal scenario financially and then his solicitor do the same and then you meet in the middle? I would have thought that a judge would see that you have financially prepared for the future and he has chosen not to in your favour.

I think you definitely need to tell him to not come to your house too, and that you!!!8217;re happy for him to collect the children or you will drop them off at prearranged times.

You are doing great. Keep your chin up.

Moneywhizz · 2 August 2018 at 5:17PM

I read your diary often but haven't commented. Just had to say though how unfair all of this sounds. You have worked hard all of your marriage and supported your children and husband and now he can get half of everything. I would be furious too. I was under the impression that 50/50 was just a starting point and that other things are taken into consideration, especially things like where the children will live and who will support them. Also how much you contributed during the marriage should be considered. I think your solicitor should be guiding you in the kind of offer you should make. Maybe have a look online and see if you can get an idea of what is reasonable. You certainly don't deserve to share your pension with anyone. The suggestion above, to forego child maintenance might be a good solution - it sounds like he might default on that anyway and pursuing it would just cause you more stress. A clean financial break is definitely the best way forward. Hope you managed to get out and do something to cheer you up a bit.

Honeysucklelou2 · 2 August 2018 at 6:22PM

Totally understand the stress of having an ex continue to turn up at the house.

Eager_Elephant · 2 August 2018 at 6:43PM

(((CCL)))

This divorce lark is !!!! isn't it? My solicitor wanted me to go for some of my husbands pension even though I don't want to, anyway I have checked the pensions we both have and although I have worked part time for most of my life (only full time in last 5 years or so) my pension is actually bigger than his but only by a few thousand so actually I can go back and say that we are about equal.
My husband wont even think that I have a bigger pension than him.

Its cases like yours that make me want to encourage women even more to leave husbands who are financially incompetent/users before its too late otherwise this is the result.

I agree its not right but in the eyes of the law he is well within his rights and he can say that he couldn't work in a higher paid job because he helped with the children (even though he didn't) and the house while you worked in your job and so he did not have the capacity to earn more money to be able to afford a pension or contribute more to bills. (generally it is the female who is trying to take the males pension as staistically they are less likely to earn much if they have children/run the household so you can see why the law is written as it is)

I agree with the person above who said you can start the negotiations off at what you want and then see what he wants, I worry that if he see's a solicitor they might encourage him to go for half the pension because they will always fight for their own client.
Hopefully he will be so desperate to get his hand on some ready cash that he will forego the pension and house for cash in his bank.

In terms of him coming to your house for emotional support you need to stop it if you can as it is so mentally draining but of course legally he can come and go as he pleases as it is still his house. I think the occupation order is a good plan.

My husband is also struggling this week and has decided to go abroad to work to get away!!! Anyway I have told him we need to stop seeing each other as much as friends and also stop the messaging as the boundaries are blurry and it is giving him false hope when I know in my heart that there is no hope.

crazy_cat_lady · 2 August 2018 at 8:31PM

Thanks all of you for your support and comments. I wish I could say I felt better but I really don't. As I say - I've been a bit short on adult company this week, which has meant things have spiralled in my mind a bit, but I spoke to my mam and 2 besties today, as well as getting it off my chest on here.
No, it's not fair, but it is legally allowed. My mam tells me to look at it as the price I pay to get rid of him, and to consider the fact that I have another 25 or so years of service to build my pension up again. She is of course right. I have had other advice, including what's on here and now accept I might have to do some more serious bargaining to try and protect myself and the kids financially. The start point is that my solicitor is going to write to him again and offer him a lump sum as a financial clean break. He thinks it's fair in terms of the house but not particularly the pension - I'm offering a 50/50 split of the very limited equity in the house and I will keep any debt we have. However, if he decides that he is going to go for my pension, then I will go for what is legally allowed rather than what is fair. That includes a bigger share of the equity in the house, and costs for the divorce, and giving him half of the debt, and contacting the csa (or whoever they are now). I completely understand the law - partners need to leave a marriage on equal terms, regardless of what they have or haven't contributed to the marriage. And it's right to protect the parent that stays home to raise kids and plays a part in family life. If that had been the case then I would gladly give him half of my pension, because that would seem fair, but it's not the case.
I genuinely don't want to rip him off, but I want him out of my life and onto being someone else's problem. My solicitor has asked him to stay away from the house unless he's made prior arrangement, which sometimes happens, but yesterday was the second time he just turned up. Whether he's legally on the deeds or not, I have the right to refuse him entry to the house if I don't want him there - and the police will come out and move him on. I just really didn't it to end up like this. I also keep telling him to get a solicitor but he won't because he can't afford it. He gets all of his advice online and from CAB. He probably needs a solicitor for the money side of things, but it's his life, his choice. The more we argue, the more it will cost and the less we'll both get.
Ugh. I wish my brain would just stop. I've felt utterly rubbish all day today - my dizziness has come back with a vengeance and I've just felt really spaced out and tired, and a bit sick all day. I'm taking it all out on myself and giving myself a hard time for ever wanting to get married in the first place - that was my doing as well. If we weren't married then he'd have precisely no say at all in my pension.
I'm writing the rest of today off and I'm going to get a good night's sleep and get up tomorrow and try a fresh start. I need to pop into work for a couple of hours so I think I'll get that out of the way if I can face it. I'm also going to have a phone call tomorrow with a local diet and fitness guy - see if I can get a start on feeling better within myself on a physical level.

foxgloves · 2 August 2018 at 8:58PM

Awww, CCL, the pension thing would stick in my craw. I can understand where you're coming from on that. I do think your Mum makes a good point about looking at it as a price to pay to get shot of him. It's stressful now, emotional & unfair, but the light at the end of it all is a new start & I think you are more than ready to embrace one of those. Your ex continuing to call for emotional support isn't really appropriate now, so I agree he needs to stop that & understand that things have now moved on.
Hang on in there! If I lived nearer your neck of the woods I'd invite you out for coffee & teach you how to knit socks, lol.
F x

Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

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