14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

DavidP24 · 25 April 2017 at 10:38PM

my-user-name wrote: »

I think Ive already hit the "Oh, here comes a "downer" time Primrose
I was doing ok until I stupidly answered my phone the other night and it was his step mother on the phone to me,by the time I came off the phone I was literally scraping myself off the ceiling,I was fuming.The only reason she rang was to invite me to his sisters birthday drinks bash at the weekend......I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.I politely told her thanks but no thanks,then she spent the next 20 mins telling me how ill he is looking,how bad he is taking our split etc so I told her a few home truths(tightness with money throughout the relationship,how he said he wasn't willing to look after me financially in retirement because my pension wont be as much as he thought it would be).All I got off her was he would never say that to you",in the end I asked her if she thought I was lying and she said "no but theres no way he would ever say that to you".
I even told her what he said to the neighbour when he said "it was her choice,its what she wanted",again she said the neighbour was lying,why the hell would she??
Her final words were to tell me I had to arrange to speak to him and become friends again,I told her hell will freeze over before that happens but she still carried on telling me I should contact him to talk and become friends again.
Now you can understand when I say I was scraping myself off the ceiling after the call.
More fool me for picking the phone up before finding out who was on the other end.

MUN

I am feeling Deja Vu right now

Why did you take the call?

Even if you answer, just say, please do not call me, I have nothing to say to you or your family

We are done

Goodbye.

Do not listen to their kwap

Do not engage them

End of

my-user-name · 25 April 2017 at 11:25PM

DavidP24 wrote: »

MUN

I am feeling Deja Vu right now

Why did you take the call?

Even if you answer, just say, please do not call me, I have nothing to say to you or your family

We are done

Goodbye.

Do not listen to their kwap

Do not engage them

End of

It is Deja Vu David,I fell for it before and I bloody fell for it again.
Believe me I wanted so much to say that to her and I should grow some balls and actually say it but my nature and character kept my mouth shut and allowed her to say the things she did,allowing her to go on about her precious step son is the reason why I'm so angry and on a downer right now.
You know when someone says something really nasty or they take your breath away with their words and then half hour later you think to yourself" dam why didn't I say that to her"or you think of a fantastic put down but its too late because that moment has passed,that side of me is the thing I hate the most.
I was brought up to respect your elders I guess and for 14 years she was part of my family so giving her a mouthful seemed wrong,I need to go to assertiveness classes and the sooner the better then I could let rip to people like her.

Mojisola · 26 April 2017 at 9:59AM

my-user-name wrote: »

Believe me I wanted so much to say that to her and I should grow some balls and actually say it but my nature and character kept my mouth shut and allowed her to say the things she did,allowing her to go on about her precious step son is the reason why I'm so angry and on a downer right now.

I was brought up to respect your elders I guess and for 14 years she was part of my family so giving her a mouthful seemed wrong,I need to go to assertiveness classes and the sooner the better then I could let rip to people like her.

It might be very satisfying to feel able to let rip but that would show them that you're still emotional (and consequently vulnerable).

Just cutting the call leaves them blanked - the message is that you're not bothered and aren't going to waste your time listening to them. The situation has changed; you've moved on and they aren't part of your life any more and don't have any power over you.

Primrose · 26 April 2017 at 10:43AM

Does your phone have a number blocking facility? I don't think you can really blame yourself for being well mannered in the circumstances. It was how many of us were brought up and the fact that you carried on in this manner in such circumstances is to your credit. Just try and block the number or let calls go to answerphone in the future. She will eventually get the message. I expect that if you and she had a cordial relationship in the past she's probably upset in her own way too. It's perhaps not her fault that she's trying to right a perceived wrong over which she may not have control. It's a truth that sometimes people trying to separate two dogs who are fighting end up accidentally being bitten themselves. I know you're not rising to the bait with your Ex but she probably still feels that she's in the middle of a battle.

my-user-name · 26 April 2017 at 5:24PM

Mojisola wrote: »

It might be very satisfying to feel able to let rip but that would show them that you're still emotional (and consequently vulnerable).

Just cutting the call leaves them blanked - the message is that you're not bothered and aren't going to waste your time listening to them. The situation has changed; you've moved on and they aren't part of your life any more and don't have any power over you.

Hi Mojisola,I really have moved on,its just these blips which do my head in mainly because I could of avoided the call if I had just realised who was ringing me.
His step mother knows I have moved on and I just cannot understand why she dosent accept this,instead she tries to make light of his words and actions,that bugged me greatly.
Ive fallen for it once before and more fool me for falling for it again,I can guarantee there will be no third time.

my-user-name · 26 April 2017 at 5:31PM

Primrose wrote: »

Does your phone have a number blocking facility? I don't think you can really blame yourself for being well mannered in the circumstances. It was how many of us were brought up and the fact that you carried on in this manner in such circumstances is to your credit. Just try and block the number or let calls go to answerphone in the future. She will eventually get the message. I expect that if you and she had a cordial relationship in the past she's probably upset in her own way too. It's perhaps not her fault that she's trying to right a perceived wrong over which she may not have control. It's a truth that sometimes people trying to separate two dogs who are fighting end up accidentally being bitten themselves. I know you're not rising to the bait with your Ex but she probably still feels that she's in the middle of a battle.

Its my landline Primrose and I pay it through my Sky account.I will go on to their help page to see how I can block her number.
Yes we did have a close friendship during those 14 years,she was the one who told me his father was just the same as him regarding keeping his money and not spending it.
But I feel I cant carry on the friendship,some can happily do that but I cant,its best to move on I feel, not sure if that's right or wrong??
If I block her(and I will find a way to do it) then she will get the message hopefully.

Pollycat · 26 April 2017 at 5:50PM

my-user-name wrote: »

Hi Mojisola,I really have moved on,its just these blips which do my head in mainly because I could of avoided the call if I had just realised who was ringing me.
His step mother knows I have moved on and I just cannot understand why she dosent accept this,instead she tries to make light of his words and actions,that bugged me greatly.
Ive fallen for it once before and more fool me for falling for it again,I can guarantee there will be no third time.

Maybe he's whispering in her ear, telling her his version of events and so she can't understand why you're acting as you are and won't arrange to speak to him and make friends.
And why she thought it appropriate to invite you to his sister's birthday 'do'.

Whether that's true or not, I think you'd do well to ignore nay more of her calls.

hollydays · 26 April 2017 at 7:42PM

I was just popping in for one post to say, practice deep breathing techniques, but I see your lady is already teaching you relaxation . It's invaluable for helping with sleep.
You are an amazing woman.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 26 April 2017 at 8:40PM

my-user-name wrote: »

Its my landline Primrose and I pay it through my Sky account.I will go on to their help page to see how I can block her number.
Yes we did have a close friendship during those 14 years,she was the one who told me his father was just the same as him regarding keeping his money and not spending it.
But I feel I cant carry on the friendship,some can happily do that but I cant,its best to move on I feel, not sure if that's right or wrong??
If I block her(and I will find a way to do it) then she will get the message hopefully.

https://www.sky.com/help/articles/blocking-unwanted-calls

Block a specific phone number
Dial 1 4 2 5 8 and choose bar a specific number.
Input the phone number then press #.
To check which numbers you’ve barred or unblock them, dial 1 4 2 5 8 and follow the instructions.

Block the last number that called
Dial 1 4 2 5 8
Press * twice.
Confirm you want to bar calls from that number.
To check which numbers you’ve barred or unblock them, dial 1 4 2 5 8 and follow the instructions.

Costs £3.35 a month, I think.

The interwebs suggest that they are reluctant to change phone numbers without a police reference number - being upset by unwanted calls demanding you maintain contact with/be bestest fwends with/get back together with an abusive ex partner would count as something you could report, explaining that you have been told that you need to get a reference number before they'll change it, and if this is a sign of things to come, it will not come from just one number, so it would be entirely reasonable to report it now - but perhaps saying to SKY that you will cancel the subscription and wish to be transferred to do that now if they are unwilling to change the number would get it done anyway?

wannabe_sybil · 27 April 2017 at 2:31PM

I was thinking about the phone call you got.

Your ex was all about money. Now you are no longer providing so much for him then he is financially worse off. Also I think his ego is likely to be seriously dented because you are doing okay and not falling apart without him.

He's going to want to try and get back.

If he behaves to his stepmother as he has behaved to you then I am sure she would be extremely happy if he went back to you and relieved the pressure on her. Besides, who knows what he has been saying to her in the last few years?

I would brace for further attempts, but without worrying too much about him. He is no longer part of your life, you do not owe him another chance, you do not owe him the opportunity to make it up to you and you do not owe him the dirt off your shoe.

Good luck.

14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

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