The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

MMF007 · 11 February 2018 at 4:24PM

VJsmum, strangely enough I had a rough couple of days, no doubt brought on becasue I had to attend another funeral on Friday ( a bit too soon!).

I can see that you are worried about the fairness of the will but as you say, your dad wrote it as he wanted it. It is a shame that some of your siblings have less but, and this will sound harsh, you can't change that and when it all comes down to it, life is unfair. You must not feel guilty about the various situations that are not of your making.
It is hard to stop going over things in your mind but if you cannot alter them it is a pointless task.

Have the siblings accepted matters as they stand?

We had an incident in relation to some of dad's stuff that reminded me how manipulative and devious my brother can be even though 99 % of the time he is a good person. I spoke to DH about it, just to get it out of my system, but I will let it go because I can't change it and if I dwell on it only I will suffer. I know it's not easy but for my own sake I must. It may be harder for you because you are concerned for other people but please try to shrug your shoulders and encourage all concerned to accept 'that is what dad wanted'.

I hope you don't mind me being a bit blunt. There will be someone (Monna and Fuddle spring to mind!) who can put things much more cogently

Floss · 11 February 2018 at 5:13PM

Slightly different spin on the inheritance chat...DH and his 2 older brothers were all rather surprised to see the extent of their parents' estate when eldest had collated the figures. Although they had lived well (no worries re heating, M&S ready meals, charity DDs etc) the brothers' view was that they wished more (cleaner, gardener, taxis) had been bought in sooner (before illness took hold) and holidays taken whilst well so they had enjoyed their money more rather than leaving it for them.

MMF & VJ'sMum you will both now know that the most unexpected event/thought/word can pull off the scab over your hurt - please see us as your personal shoulders for ranting or off-loading when you need to, and remember that you don't have to look us in the eye after sharing any views

xx

monnagran · 11 February 2018 at 5:37PM

I dont know about putting things more coherently but I do know where you are coming from VJsmum.
I can stand abuse, losing out, and all sorts of ill treatment, but any injustice really sticks in my craw.
I come from the position of having a father who was so scrupulously fair that if he did something to help my brother he immediately sent me a cheque for the same amount. Dad always spent Christmas with me and one year my TV was on the blink. Dad pleaded with me to let him buy me a new one. Eventually I agreed. A few days later I received a note from Dad thanking me for allowing him to get me a TV. Apparently this made his Chiristmas. The same day I had a phone call from my brother asking what dad had given me. I asked him how he knew and he told me that he had just received a cheque.

I simply do not understand how people can treat their children differently

However, having said that, I have seen through my years that life has a way of doing a balancing act. I have noticed that in a family one person may have all the wealth and another may be struggling. But then the struggling one may enjoy excellent health whereas the rich one may have chronic illness. One may have a glittering career while another has a happy family life. Sometimes you can't see where the balance is, one seems to have all the ill luck while another thrives, but I bet if you could look beneath the surface you would find all the checks and balances present and correct.

I have no idea if I am right but it seems to play out about right often enough.

How this works in your family I have no idea, VJsmum. Maybe your one brother gets the money when what he really craves is a loving partner and a family. I really don't know, but I do hope that there is no bitterness. No amount of money is worth that.

VJsmum · 11 February 2018 at 5:40PM

Thanks all - Floss that is why I posted here, i felt it was a safe space where no one else has vested interest. MMF - I like blunt, another reason why I posted here.

Fuddle, I have some of mum's jewelry which is very precious to me. I gave my sister some of the more valuable stuff and said she can choose more if she wants. She has mum's wedding ring (which I am more than ok with).

Ivy - brother does work but it isn't very well paid, obviously he has already lost the carer's allowance.

Mostly I have looked at it from the perspective that dad knew that we were much more stable than the carer brother (P) - and to some extent a lot of P's instability is the way dad has treated him / or put too much expectation onto him over the years. They were a bit 'steptoe and son' in recent years and dad could be demanding so I think it's right that P took a greater share. i saw the bank account contents as kind of 'redundancy' for him.

I am seeing P tomorrow so I 'may' find out some more then, although he isn't known for being 100% truthful.

I haven't seen the will but I know that originally dad had said that if he sells the house, P will have to split the proceeds - though I am not sure how that would stand up in law. I have asked older brother for clarification about the contents of the will as the other siblings need to be told. If that is so - and enforceable - then it makes the house even more of a liability and makes P somewhat trapped.

Thanks for letting me vent - I think I just needed to get it out of my system.

EDIT: Monna - thank you. Luckily I am not really cursed with a bitterness bone, I am unsure where all this came from. I thought I was ok and then had the dream - so clearly something was lurking somewhere. You are right in that P's life is a bit of a car crash (although to be fair, my sister isn't tons better) and, on the whole, the remainder of us are fairly stable. I am the peacemaker of the family but I fear the relationship between P and my sister will be dead now...

Floss · 11 February 2018 at 6:07PM

VJ'sMum maybe your brother has a life interest only, to be rescinded upon sale?

Hard_Up_Hester · 11 February 2018 at 6:38PM

This is something I worry about. Currently CHS and I have a joint will, everything goes to the surviving partner when the surviving partner dies everything is split between my four children, but I have one son who is rolling in money, a son and daughter who are comfortably off and one daughter who is struggling financially.
The little that I leave, divided four ways will be like buying my wealthy son a cup of tea, whereas the entire amount left to my financially strapped daughter would make a huge difference to her. It's a dilemma.

nursemaggie · 11 February 2018 at 6:46PM

We were just going out to Ald! When DS said we have water coming in the bathroom ceiling. He put some towels down, too near the door for bowls and I went upstairs.

I caught the parents in bed and the kids running wild. Fortunately they let me in to show them the bathroom, shower head on the floor and water running all over the floor, not draining as floor not flat.

Someone should tell them they should look after their kids not make some more. Does anyone think I should tell social services? It could have been much more serious.

[Deleted User] · 11 February 2018 at 6:47PM

When my Dad died my step mother was left the use of everything in his will, nothing to my brother or myself but on her demise it was supposed to be evenly split between all the grandchildren. He left a collection of Beatrix Potter figurines to my eldest DD which suddenly disappeared and all knowledge was denied. To this day (since 1994) I have not a single thing that was his, I asked once if I could have the piece of the rock of Gibraltar that had always lived on the mantelpiece as it's the thing that reminded me most of him but even that was 'don't know what you're talking about!' Step mum is still going strong, has gone through another partner (makes 3) since my dad and I'm absolutely certain that my brother and I or the girls and my nephew won't even be told when she departs this mortal coil. She has 3 of the most avaricious children I have ever known, all dads efforts will go to them! I mind for the principle of the thing but in honesty she cared for him and made him happy so it's perhaps just payment.

fuddle · 11 February 2018 at 6:54PM

My sister's half is play money. She already has her 5 bed house, her cars, her security. My half... well you know what that has done. I don't begrudge her half at all and because it's split equally it has meant that all the troubles of the past can kind of be put to bed and we can try to get on as sisters and have some kind of relationship. If I got more, or I had got less we would never have been able to get over that and we could kiss our family ties good bye.

Floss · 11 February 2018 at 6:56PM

NM tell the HA about the souurce of your water ingress, as you will be doing as tenants

DH and I have regular discussions about wills... I have 2 sons, 1 married. He has 2 nieces, 1 married (both City lawyers living in Surrey) and the orher with chronic disabling conditions. We own 2 houses, and really need to make decisions as to the route of each others assets after demise. Life interests certainly, but beyond that we haven't got

PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING

The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free