Made A Terrible Mistake

Mylife · 8 July 2018 at 8:17AM

Fbaby this was unplanned but once it's happened what could I do, I can't exactly hide a baby . Short of abortion what else could I do other than deal with it.How else do you propose that I learn from it??indeed I have taken all the advice given by everyone.

As for him falling in love I hope not , this was short lived and with such I'm sure there was excitement on both sides. I did not plan to get pregnant but it happened. My also plan not to say anything to him was because I felt embarrassment that a 31yr old woman would get pregnant within such a short time. I imagined he wouldn't be amused but maybe I was wrong. I'm still embarrassed in a way as I will have to say something to family and friends.

Polly I haven't dealt with this well, whilst it's true that initially I did not want to involve him, now that he is I still communicate with him. He will text and if I'm in my excited mood I might reply with something like "looking at baby clothes, names, etc" it's nothing serious but yes sometime I get excited that there is a life growing inside me.Also at this moment he is the only one I can say such things to. With friends and family I will have to explain how I ended pregnant without a partner. I can imagine my mum's face. He is also able to call me at work easily and obviously I have to be polite. So far I have resisted meeting up with him and have kept the texts minimal. It's hard for me , on one hand I'm excited on another I'm overwhelmed by it all.

Pollycat · 8 July 2018 at 8:30AM

Mylife wrote: »

Polly I haven't dealt with this well, whilst it's true that initially I did not want to involve him, now that he is I still communicate with him. He will text and if I'm in my excited mood I might reply with something like "looking at baby clothes, names, etc" it's nothing serious but yes sometime I get excited that there is a life growing inside me.Also at this moment he is the only one I can say such things to. With friends and family I will have to explain how I ended pregnant without a partner. I can imagine my mum's face. He is also able to call me at work easily and obviously I have to be polite. So far I have resisted meeting up with him and have kept the texts minimal. It's hard for me , on one hand I'm excited on another I'm overwhelmed by it all.

If you can imagine your Mum's face when you tell her you're pregnant without a partner, that means you've not told your Mum yet. :eek:

Mylife wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, someone close to both of us told him, unfortunately I had to tell a few people including friends and family , that's how it came out . As for telling his wife I have already done so much damage and do not want to cause more misery ( should have thought of it before) As for CSA , although he earns more than me I do have a good job and can comfortably provide for the baby.

I appreciate your replies

So which family members know about your pregnancy before your Mum?

System · 8 July 2018 at 9:23AM

FBaby wrote: »

Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, he's fallen madly in love with you, and this is what has led him to have an affair and daydream of you and him being together with your new baby? It's amazing what falling in love can do to the most caring and sensible people when they are naturally a bit naive and are lured into fantasy.

Totally agree, instead of running a mile he wants to stick around. Why else would he risk his marriage, his whole security to bring up this child with you.

Weak men or men who just want a bit of fun would run a mile. Looks like he's in for the long haul.

I've been where his wife is. She will probably hate him forever but that's not what's important, she will move on like I did.

Mylife · 8 July 2018 at 9:31AM

Polly I have so far told 3 family members,sworn to secrecy obviously. As much as I wanted to keep quiet, unfortunately I couldn't contain it. These are people I trust will not say anything until I'm ready. I will have to tell family soon, as I won't be able to hide it much longer. Mum will be disappointed as she brought up me well, but as an adult we all have free will. My 75yr old aunt always asks me if I have found a husband lol I can imagine when I say to her no husband but a baby, she is old fashioned I'm sure this will distress her. My married siblings will be the hardest to tell for obvious reasons. I'm not sure if I should plan a family get together and announce it, deal with all the questions there and then or a family group whattsup. Problem with my family if I announced to different people at different times then the gossip and assumptions will start. I probably will have to tell mum first.

ajak81 you are always spot on, this is not a planned pregnancy but once I discovered it the baby is very much wanted. I'm still embarrassed by it all. Sometimes I think I needed to be brought down my high horse, indeed the last few years have been kind to me , I have really needed to try and I probably thought I was invincible.

HampshireH · 8 July 2018 at 10:04AM

Just read this whole post. Im a little confused by the financial stuff. You have repeatedly stated you do not want financial support but then you say this;

As for the financial help, I have thought it through, both of us have very good jobs and although not rich money would not be an issue unless I lost my job even then I'm sure he can comfortably provide for both of us without much impact on his family based on our current salaries,obviously I do not know exactly how much he earns but its much more than me.

Which seems to suggest you dont want financial support unless there comes a time when you need it.

Double standards here. You are trying to cut him out but seem to suggest that at any point in the future you could tap him up for financial supoort because he could afford it.

I wouldn't blame him at that point for pointing you in the direction of the courts for access + financial arrangements.

Pollycat · 8 July 2018 at 10:27AM

ajak81 wrote: »

Does anybody think there's actually anything wrong with asking the married man to pay the normal and required amount of child support?

I think he should pay.

As I said way up-thread, even if the OP doesn't need the money, she should accept it for the benefit of the child that they both created.
It could be invested for education or possibly towards getting on the housing ladder.

Has anyone actually said they don't think he should pay (apart from the OP who originally said she didn't want or need him to pay)?

Mylife · 8 July 2018 at 10:49AM

Hampshire I think you missed my point, money is the least of both of our problems. In fact on my current job I could afford to provide everything. What I meant was should anything happen ie if I lost my job or became unwell then obviously he might have to step in and rightly so.I doubt it would .and much difference anyway. At no time did I say I would trap him for financial support, what good would that be. He knows financially I can manage and this is where the problem started, I thought I could just use my money to solve my problems but obviously as everyone who has commented here there is much more involved than money.

ajak81 you are right a father should be able to contribute to financially, the reason I did not wish for him to do so was the guilty .

Polly I agree we will need to discuss this at some point in time.

FBaby · 8 July 2018 at 12:23PM

So are you saying that you were using protection but that despite being together only a very short time, you were one of the few unlucky ones who got pregnant anyway (always seemed to be the single women in short term relationship who suffer from these 'accidents', and despite the situation and you initially not wanting to be pregnant, hence using protection, you never thought about an abortion at any time and initial plan was to not even tell him about the baby. If you felt so guilty, then why not have an early abortion and not even tell him about it?

In the end, only you know the full circumstances but all the above shouts that you were indeed after a sperm donor.

Irrespective of how it really happened, a baby is on its way and deserves to have a father and it's good to read that you are now more opened to consider including him in the life of your child, at least for now.

fibonarchie · 8 July 2018 at 1:24PM

FBaby wrote: »

If you felt so guilty, then why not have an early abortion and not even tell him about it?

Is that meant to be a morally better option then?? :eek:

HampshireH · 8 July 2018 at 1:41PM

I didnt miss your point. I reiterated just that. You can afford a child now and have repeatedly said you dont want financial support from him.

But if any thing were to happen such as losing your job at that point you would allow him into the life of you and the child so that he could pay for it becsusr you may not be able to.

It reads like you dont want him involved unless a time comes when you cant afford not to have him involved.

Personally i feel he should pay from day 1 (as he has offered too) i also feel you should accept it even if it goes into a savings accont for the child.

You have a man stepping up to take full responsibility for his actions when it comes to his child. Its insulting to him to decline that.

He is not however stepping up in his marriage

Made A Terrible Mistake

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