How to deal with a brother TAKEN over parents finances..
Rags2riches
Posts: 42 Forumite
For several years my brother has been involved with my parents finances. Originally this came about with simple tips any forum member would be proud of... but earlier in the year I discovered he has completely taken over their finances and spent on their cards.
During this time my parents:
During this time my brother had complete access to their accounts. He's borrowed near to £35k from them but also been treating their accounts like they are his own, spending on their cards and causing confusion for my parents trying to work out who's spending was who's.
Current situation:
He has alluded:
My concern is that he is still ‘assisting’ them and it appears they cannot ‘break-free’. They are about to receive £55k from the proceeds of their sale.
What help is available?
During this time my parents:
- Have discovered they have close to £140k in credit cards and overdrafts. They thought it was £30k.
- Remortgaged their home to raise funds for an extension which never materialised. £40k has simply gone.
- Cashed in life savings of around £20k, also long since gone.
- Forced to sell their family home and move into rented to repay their interest-only mortgage.
- Been subject to a complex banking arrangement involving around 30 different current accounts, so they find it difficult to keep track of their income.
- Have had pensions of around £50k whilst living a very modest lifestyle on a tight budget.
During this time my brother had complete access to their accounts. He's borrowed near to £35k from them but also been treating their accounts like they are his own, spending on their cards and causing confusion for my parents trying to work out who's spending was who's.
Current situation:
- I’ve tried approaching him directly but he refuses to speak to anyone other than our parents, completely cutting me out of his life.
- I’ve tried putting them in touch with debt charities and provided details of IFA’s they could approach but he has created an ‘illusion’ that they are in control of their own finances and he really is just trying to help them.
He has alluded:
- There is no problem.
- There is no need for anybody else to be involved and should anybody become involved this proves how ungrateful they are to him… he will be 'done with them', which they clearly do not want.
- That they are incapable of looking after their own money, without his assistance, stating that financial advisers can’t do as good a job as he can and are only out to get paid.
My concern is that he is still ‘assisting’ them and it appears they cannot ‘break-free’. They are about to receive £55k from the proceeds of their sale.
What help is available?
0
Comments
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Was it a formal agreement such as Power of Attorney?Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.0
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How old are they?
Approach social services and speak to someone who deals with vulnerable adults.0 -
Why is he doing it ?
Is he having money issues ?
Ill be blunt with you he sounds like a prat.
Does he live with your parents ?
Could your parents organise for new cards to be sent out, if he lives with them your parents could see if the cards can get sent to the local branch and they get them or you take your mum out for the day and you pick up the card whilst out.0 -
How old are they?
Approach social services and speak to someone who deals with vulnerable adults.
That is a really good suggestion. I am considering it as a last ditch attempt, but I'm reluctant to seek social services involvement without at least some support from my parents. They are in their 60's.
They may feel this is unwarranted help forced upon them.0 -
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Is it worth having a look at the website of Action on Elder Abuse? It may help you clarify what steps to take.0
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Is it worth having a look at the website of Action on Elder Abuse? It may help you clarify what steps to take.
Yes. This was my starting point. I've been there and signed the petition.
Unfortunately unless my parents co-operate and tell the truth its not a crime, in the current law. They don't want to get him into trouble, and ruin his chances of getting a job in the future and neither do I, as this will simply mean him living off them into the future, isn't going to resolve the underlining issues or be helpful to anybody.
What would be helpful is if they had control of their accounts and to re-gain the confidence to manage them... themselves... and somehow learned to say NO to him.
The main issue - he has a need to access their accounts - whatever it is - control over them, need for money, sibling rivalry, mistaken money for love etc.
They have made excuses for him and whilst they have been living in their home with cash available, the actual reality of paying back their debt, doesn't yet seem to have materialised.0 -
And there it is (in bold).Rags2riches wrote: »Yes. This was my starting point. I've been there and signed the petition.
Unfortunately unless my parents co-operate and tell the truth its not a crime, in the current law. They don't want to get him into trouble, and ruin his chances of getting a job in the future and neither do I, as this will simply mean him living off them into the future, isn't going to resolve the underlining issues or be helpful to anybody.
What would be helpful is if they had control of their accounts and to re-gain the confidence to manage them... themselves... and somehow learned to say NO to him.
The main issue - he has a need to access their accounts - whatever it is - control over them, need for money, sibling rivalry, mistaken money for love etc.
They have made excuses for him and whilst they have been living in their home with cash available, the actual reality of paying back their debt, doesn't yet seem to have materialised.
Until they acknowledge that they have been and are being subject to elder financial abuse, you may be seen as the one causing trouble.0 -
Rags2riches wrote: »For several years my brother has been involved with my parents finances. Originally this came about with simple tips any forum member would be proud of... but earlier in the year I discovered he has completely taken over their finances and spent on their cards.
During this time my parents:- Have discovered they have close to £140k in credit cards and overdrafts. They thought it was £30k.
- Remortgaged their home to raise funds for an extension which never materialised. £40k has simply gone.
- Cashed in life savings of around £20k, also long since gone.
- Forced to sell their family home and move into rented to repay their interest-only mortgage.
- Been subject to a complex banking arrangement involving around 30 different current accounts, so they find it difficult to keep track of their income.
- Have had pensions of around £50k whilst living a very modest lifestyle on a tight budget.
During this time my brother had complete access to their accounts. He's borrowed near to £35k from them but also been treating their accounts like they are his own, spending on their cards and causing confusion for my parents trying to work out who's spending was who's.Rags2riches wrote: »They did try to take back control but that is when he kicked up a fuss, told them they were ungrateful and threatened to walk away from them.
Also claiming that my involvement was merely to get 'hold of their money'.
Step back from saying anything about what he's doing and stay very objective.
Help them get everything down on paper.
If they can't see that they need to put a stop to his 'help' when it's all laid out in front of them, there's nothing you can do.0 -
Rags2riches wrote: »I have everything down on paper, shown to them. That made sense to them.... it seemed like progress was being made until... my brother spoke to them. I'm not joking when I tell you he has an excuse for just about every eventuality.... I've shown them debits from their account which he has subsequently convinced them are actually credits.
Unless they are below average intelligence, they are letting him manipulate them - even school kids can see that money going out of an account isn't a credit!0
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