Can I afford to leave my boyfriend?

Lmh713 · 12 December 2018 at 6:46AM

Good morning MSE!
(I really hope this is the right place to post this but I wasn’t sure in the maze of forums or sub-forums where this should go).

Situation to date: Partner and I have a 3.5 year old, and a new baby due in February. We live in rented accommodation, have both been working full time and paying full time childcare. We have no savings as we earnt pretty much equivalent to our outgoings when you bear in mind we were spending £1200 a month on childcare until this September. Since September, that has dropped to about £450 and we have used every spare money to clear a credit card debt which is now down to about £3,000. That is our only debt.

So we want to split up. It just isn’t working.
My partner earns about £1500 a month. I work on commission so it can vary from £1100-£4500. Average probably £1800. Due to feeling poop from pregnancy, I’ve been earning about £1400 since June.

We have a two bed property so no spare room, and a tiny living room so no room for a mattress downstairs. Partner is sleeping on the sofa currently.

We have discussed splitting up before but money has always been the hinderance and I’m WAYYY too optimistic about things and was so convinced it could get better. Well, it’s not getting better.

I had a brainwave at 3am this morning that if we split up we wouldn’t need to have a 2-bed house each. My ex could just get a shared room in town and on his evenings/weekends with the kiddies could live here in the house and I could stay at my Mum’s. I mean, it’s not ideal but it kinda works, right??

So here’s the issue. MONEY! (How did you guess?!)

If I am a single mum working 16 hrs a week I can expect the following income:

£1092 for benefits
£480 from working
(+ £60 pm extra child benefit when DD2 arrives)
(Child maintenance: I would expect my partner to pay any school fees, additional childcare fees, and split the cost of their clothes etc, rather than a lump sum as I know he will struggle to afford it when faced with rent, getting himself a car and food etc.

So my income = £1600 ish?

But my outgoings look like this:

Rent - £815
Gas & Elec - £100 *
Water - £50
Council Tax - £114 **
Car - £150 ***
Insurance - £60
Car maintenance - £25
Broadband - £32.50 ****
EE Mobile - £80*****

*Yes. I know it seems high. We have a smart meter and best tariff for our area so it is what it is, deal with it.
**Help with this is included in benefits calculations
***Can’t get out of this. Pay it to a family member and car is not worth what I owe them so cannot sell it. It is cheap as chips to run and safe so wouldn’t want to change it either.
**** No signal in my area. Reliant on fibre broadband.
***** In contract until Oct next year, have a mobile, tablet and smart watch. Mobile is already 50% off, tablet and watch are 20% off.

So total outgoings before food, fuel, outings, clothes for me, household, birthdays, haircuts, and CREDIT CARD DEBT********** = £1536.

Doesn’t take a genius to work out £70 a month is not enough for all that.

OH and here’s a bummer: credit card debt is in my mum’s name. So I kind of have to pay it or she gets royally screwed.

Soooo... any advice?
Specific questions:
Can I supplement my income somehow without losing any benefits? (Tried increasing working hours on calculator but it went down proportionately to my earnings increasing)
Am I missing something, is there a better way to do this?

selloptape · 12 December 2018 at 8:03AM

Sorry you’re in this stressful situation - as a single parent these are my first thoughts -

Are you on a water meter? If not this may make a difference, would be worth looking into.

Have you had a look on the govt Child Maintenance website - there’s a calculator that will give the minimum amount your ex should pay. Now, and in Feb when little one arrives.

Will you be paying a large childcare bill for baby again? If so how will you afford this, is there extra benefits help?

What will be your situation wrt maternity pay?

Rent - is this standard for the area? Seems high, are there cheaper options?

Best of luck with everything x

NewToTheUkAgain · 12 December 2018 at 9:57AM

I think others here are better to give advice than me, but whatever you choose best of luck to you.

Out of pure interest what type of job are you on for commission? I also have huge swings with mine.

elsien · 12 December 2018 at 10:05AM

How does the OH feel about having to live in a shared room somewhere?
It may be ok for a short period but not for long term. He needs to be on board with any brainwaves that you have especially when they have a bigger impact on him than on you.
Have you used the child maintenance calculator to work out his contribution- what you expect him to pay and what he is obliged to pay may not be the same thing.

Lmh713 · 12 December 2018 at 10:28AM

@ Selloptape - Thank you for your reply! Some good suggestions but sadly I’ve already looked into these..

I can’t have a water metre as house is too old.

The more Child Maintenance he gives me, the less benefits I get so it would actually be more helpful for him to cover specific costs than it would to give me cash in hand. He won’t have much to contribute either and looking at the calculator his bare minimum seems to be barely £100 a month in which case I’d much rather he paid the childcare!!!

I would have to quit my job and claim the benefits instead of maternity pay. This should also mean no childcare costs (apart from my eldest’s lunches as she gets her 30-hours now, so that’s about £100pm). I would intend to work 16 hours on days/evenings when my ex/mum could look after the girls.

As for rent, that’s pretty standard for a two bed where we are (Exeter). I could shave maybe up to £100 by downsizing to a small flat, but bearing in mind I’d have to borrow and repay the costs involved with tenancy fees, finding a deposit and costs of moving all my furniture, I think paying back these costs would negate any savings on my rent.

@ NewToTheUKAgain - I sell cars for Audi!

You?

@ Elsien - quite frankly, he is the one who wants to leave and he knows he can not afford to if he wants a two bed house and a cushty lifestyle. If it’s not hunky dory for him then he can man up and work on our relationship?
He has no family locally or I would suggest I get the houseshare and he lives with his family on “my days” with the kiddies. This would also mean I don’t have to leave a job I love!

Your question about child maintenance - are you worried that I’m not asking him for enough or worried I’m over-asking compared to my entitlement? The thing is, he is still a loving, incredible father and I know he would never let his girls down so as long as anything he gives me or pays for directly benefits the girls then I know he will happily oblige.

Mojisola · 12 December 2018 at 10:35AM

Lmh713 wrote: »

The more Child Maintenance he gives me, the less benefits I get

Have things changed?

The amount of CM used to be ignored when benefit entitlement was worked out.

veryintrigued · 12 December 2018 at 12:42PM

Wow what a pickle having to choose between money and (un) happiness with an ex.

I genuinely wish you good luck and both a happier 2019

micky2phones · 12 December 2018 at 1:21PM

Mojisola wrote: »

Have things changed?

The amount of CM used to be ignored when benefit entitlement was worked out.

Hi, i thought that was the case as well with CM, think the OP should check this out or get her OH to check it out.

It may make things a little easier for both parties

Katiehound · 12 December 2018 at 2:54PM

Water meter.
I think the local water authority have a duty to a) provide a water meter or b) charge you as if you had one when it is not physically possible to fit one
.
Of course you may not win financially on this one. Worth talking to them.

badmemory · 12 December 2018 at 4:02PM

Maybe change the question to can I afford NOT to leave my boyfriend? How much damage is it doing to YOU to be living in a house with someone who does not really want to be there? Although it may be a good idea to hang on until the birth & registration of the birth of the new one.

xylophone · 12 December 2018 at 4:29PM

I would expect my partner to pay any school fees,

You have said that he earns £1500 a month.

Example

http://www.exeterschool.org.uk/admissions/fees-and-tsandcs

How will he afford fees for one (and then two) daughters?

Can I afford to leave my boyfriend?

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