Discussing debt with my partner

sjwomersley · 13 December 2018 at 4:46PM

Hello,

Sorry if this is the wrong forum. The debts one wasn't accepting new threads.

Earlier this year I discovered that my fiance was overdrawn by about £1,500. She doesn't like talking about money but I had to discuss this with her and we came up with a plan to gradually pay off the overdraft on a monthly basis.

The plan was:
1) Setup a new current account with no overdraft facility for her everyday spending.
2) Leave the debit card of the overdrawn account at home and stop using the account.
3) Her salary gets paid into our joint current account that we both have access to - each month I send money to her overdrawn account, her savings account, keep enough in our joint account for her share of the bills and then send the remaining £300 to her new current account.
4) The £300 which goes into her new current account can be spent on anything, it doesn't matter as allowances have already been made for her overdraft, savings and essential spending. Once the £300 has gone it's gone.

Until recently I have been under the impression that this plan has been working and her overdraft is being reduced, however, I have found out that it has actually got worse and she now owes £2,200.

Since we came up with the plan earlier this year (August/September), about £1000 has been paid into her overdrawn account and £1,200 has been paid into her new current account. As the debt has increased this means she has spent £2,200 in the last 3/4 months. I absolutely wasn't expecting her to not spend anything on luxuries or non-essential stuff, but the thing is, she has nothing at all to show for all this spending apart from recently when she has bought Christmas presents (which I know only account for about £300 at most).

I need to talk about all this with her but based on past financial conversations I don't think it will go down well. I just want to help her get out of debt so we don't start our marriage with money problems. In the past she has accused me of just wanting to control her spending but this is absolutely not the case, I don't care what she buys as long as she has the money to pay for it without getting into debt.

I just need help with how to talk to my partner about this...

Thanks in advance.

Comms69 · 13 December 2018 at 4:55PM

Unless she makes the decision, this wont work.

If it's a deal breaker, that's that really.

You cannot force her to be careful with money

paddy's_mum · 13 December 2018 at 5:16PM

If you can't even discuss financial arrangements with her without triggering accusations of control/financial abuse, don't even think about getting married.

Similarly, if she has reneged on an agreed plan to get herself out of debt, she is to my mind giving you a kind of two fingered salute and that would make me very wary indeed, no matter how much I loved that person.

Debt kills relationships and don't ever forget that little fact.

Good luck in sorting it out.

Primrose · 13 December 2018 at 5:26PM

Just be thankful that you've discovered that a) she's not good at handling money and budgeting. and b) that she's also deceitful about debt now rather than after you're married.

Debt and poor money management can be toxic to any marriage so I suggest you take this as a serious red alert warning.

How to talk to her about it? Well, since this issue is onviously worrying you I would sit her down and tell her honestly that her money handling and her deceitfulness over her debt is causing you to have second thoughts as to whether she can be trusted to be a long term partner. Sorry to be blunt but I assume you are worrying whether this could develop into a major issue between you further down the line once you're married. And rightly so.

If she really thinks you're trying to control her financial affairs it suggests to me that she will always resent you watching over her shoulder. You shouldn't need to feel you have to do this but clearly you do because you know she is unreliable in the way she handles money. Partners should be able to trust each other and the fact that you cant, so early in a permanent relationship does not augur well in my view.

I'd put any wedding plans on hold and see whether she's serious about sorting her debts out . If she's not, well you have been warned and hindsight is a wonderful thing!

BrassicWoman · 13 December 2018 at 5:38PM

What kind of lifestyle are you trying to live? £300 would be buttons for some... does your JOINT holiday/going out etc budget feel thrifty for both of you?

lika_86 · 13 December 2018 at 5:45PM

Out of curiosity, are you also left with £300 to spend?

sjwomersley · 13 December 2018 at 5:51PM

We have been together for about 8 years so this isn't a new relationship. It doesn't bother me that she's bad with money, it bothers me that she's wasting money on things and trying to keep it from me. Our mortgage is due to renew in a few months so I will have to see her bank statements then anyway when we submit them to our mortgage broker.

I know I can't force her to be careful with money, I just want suggestions on how I can talk to her about it. I like to think I'm good with money and I've tried to explain things to her as best I can, but it's obviously not worked so I need to try a different tact.

The £300 / month that goes into her current account is kind of "fun money". Money from her salary goes into a separate savings account so she doesn't have to save any of the £300 in order for us to pay for holidays, home improvements etc.

I earn less than my partner and I have to pay travel costs to get to and from work (which she does not), yet I always have money leftover at the end of the month. I don't feel like I'm having to sacrifice anything or that I struggle to afford a night out or anything like that.

The situation she's got into just doesn't make sense to me. I could understand it if she had an expensive hobby or was a shopaholic but like I said before, so much money has been spent without anything to show for it.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 13 December 2018 at 5:52PM

Why were you paying into savings when she still had debt? Was the way you had divided up her income something you had agreed together?

My first thought is perhaps a gambling problem, as there's nothing to show for the money, but if she's going to open to you about something she probably feels ashamed of you'll have to make her feel really safe and that you aren't going to judge.

Good luck, it won't be easy.

onomatopoeia99 · 13 December 2018 at 5:53PM

lika_86 wrote: »

Out of curiosity, are you also left with £300 to spend?

Is that relevant? If I started dating someone that had more spare money each month than I did, I wouldn't expect her to curtail her spending or give some if it to me so we both ended up with the same amount to spend. I'd be pretty horrified at the idea to be honest.

sjwomersley · 13 December 2018 at 6:02PM

Red Squirrel -

It was a joint decision how to split up my partner's income. The reason we have been putting money into her savings account (RCI Bank, 1.4% instant access) is because we will need to pay for our wedding in April so there needs to be a stack of money available.

After splitting up my own salary into savings and essential spending I'm also left with about £300. I earn less than she does but I'm not having to pay off an overdraft so it balances out.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 13 December 2018 at 6:08PM

sjwomersley wrote: »

Red Squirrel -

It was a joint decision how to split up my partner's income. The reason we have been putting money into her savings account (RCI Bank, 1.4% instant access) is because we will need to pay for our wedding in April so there needs to be a stack of money available.

After splitting up my own salary into savings and essential spending I'm also left with about £300. I earn less than she does but I'm not having to pay off an overdraft so it balances out.

For future reference it always makes sense to pay off debt before saving. Debt costs money, that overdraft will have interest to pay and a monthly fee.

That aside, it sounds like you've come up with what would be a pretty sensible plan to deal with a debt if the person who had run it up had addressed the underlying reasons and got to a place where they could live within their means. It hasn't worked because she hasn't got there, and that's the really difficult part.

On the debt free wannabe board they refer to the 'lightbulb moment' and your partner hasn't had hers, and you can't have it for her I'm afraid!

Discussing debt with my partner

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