Considering separation from Disabled partner

pearl123 · 8 October 2017 at 1:14PM

I’m a long term carer so I do have some sympathy for OP. However, I would say that there are some situations that one should not extract onself from.

If op is a pilot then his work would act as an escape. It’s not as if he’s stuck in the home all the time. With two young children and a disabled wife there is no escape in my opinion until at least the children are considerably older.

If you really can’t stand living with your wife then I suggest you consider living in different rooms or find a place with attached self contained accommodation.
I also suggest you get a review done to see if more services can be offered for you.
Op you are luckier than some. You can escape to a well paid job. Plus you can afford a carer. I have been a carer since the age of six to the present day aged 50.
The parentification of a child is soul destroying. Children are just not mentally able to cope with such responsibilities. You children would feel forced to help and carry a mental burden if you left. Op if you are finding it a struggle how do you think your young children would feel when put in a similar situation.
Protect your children not yourself. Additionally, your letter comes across as cold.

Many people do find being a carer a miserable task!

Pollycat · 8 October 2017 at 1:30PM

AnotherUserAcc wrote: »

That said - most of it is at least somewhat constructive and I have certainly decided against the letter. Not that I expected to just hand it over and walk out, I was thinking of leaving it with her having spoken to her face-to-face.

You didn't say this in your earlier posts though.
In fact, it came across that you did intend to just hand the letter over.
It's a very detailed letter if you really did intend to talk to her first then leave her with that letter.

Money_maker wrote: »

Just do what you need to do, you dont need to justify yourself here. This forum is usually all about looking after yourself so not sure where the vitriol has come from. Others have left their spouses for far worse reasons and not had this spite. My close family member had MS so I know what it can do.

But you must talk to your wife about the children. See if she feels she can cope with them. It can be quite a task getting 2 children out of the door and up the road for school when you're able bodied. What about school meetings, shows and other things that require a parent to attend school? Do not make your small children her carers - they deserve a full and normal life as much as possible.

The OP put his life on a public forum, when you do that you can't control what responses you get.

The majority of the 'vitriol' has come from the - in most posters' opinion - pretty insensitive and brutal letter.

maman · 8 October 2017 at 1:41PM

Thanks for coming back to explain.

I think my original post was pretty close to the truth of the matter.

maman wrote: »

I agree. I had very similar thoughts when I read the letter. It may be the case that he's finding the caring wearing but there's no need to add further hurt to a hurtful situation by unloading it on her.

I can see why he needs to keep his job. He's going to have massive financial commitments for many years to come. Part time / child friendly wouldn't cover that.

As for the suggestion that he should care for the children. Surely to take the boys as well would be devastating for OP's wife and a very cruel solution.

I'm sure OP has thought long and hard about this decision. Carrying on feeling this way would result in increasing bitterness and resentment and a horrible atmosphere for everyone.

I think those posters suggesting OP should just pretend that all is well and soldier on are, although compassionate, being idealistic. It's not an ideal world. Stuff happens.

Too may posters seem to have 'shot from the hip' and let hearts rule heads. Having sifted through some of the more vitriolic and unrealistic posts I think there are a few good points there. I agree you should talk to your wife face to face if at all possible. I still think focusing on the effects on you of the disability rather than the fact that the love just isn't there any more is not the way to go. I think bits and pieces about fixing broadband and kittens isn't necessary unless you're asked.

I can see why you've sorted out a list for prospective agencies. It's probably been useful to you to try to commit your thoughts to paper. You'll probably need more than one carer, maybe a nanny with some flexibility built in for the 60% of the time when you're around. It won't be easy to find these people but I'm sure you know that.:)

thepurplepixie · 8 October 2017 at 2:17PM

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

This is a Strange letter. It's like "I'm leaving you and I'm taking legal advice about how to get all my money out of he house, but don't be concerned because I'll always come round and fix the broadband"
And how generous I am not taking any furniture or cats because I am such a wonderful man. I'm leaving you, but please can you note that I am doing it in a really great manner so no hard feelings yeah.

Find a kinder way. And don't Push the point of your generosity while you are leaving. Think about it from her point of view and not yours- it's just possible that it's not top priority whether or not you met somebody else, but don't write your letter as though you are husband of the year for having no interest in meeting somebody else.

He might be in for a shock. I knew someone who did the exact same thing except he only had one child. He lost any share in the house, it wasn't just that his wife was allowed to stay there till child was an adult or until she died it was transferred to her lock stock and barrell. She also got spousal maintenance on top of the child support and she got half his pension. He did feel sorry for himself and the other woman, oh yes there was another woman, was distraught and was a bit surprised that no one was terribly sympathetic.

FBaby · 8 October 2017 at 2:44PM

Just do what you need to do, you dont need to justify yourself here

I agree. It's not the decision to leave that I reacted to. Almost 50% of marriages fail (or whatever that figure is nowadays) and in most cases, it's not a case of 100% the fault of one or the other. Disability or not, there are many factors that leads to a divorce. People get hurt in the process, but again, that's life and we get through it.

My issue is the letter because it comes across to me that the intention behind writing it is to absolve yourself of the guilt of leaving so you can feel better about your decision. This in my view is a selfish thing to do and the circumstances make it even worse.

If you want to divorce, then accept that she is going to be hurt and accuse you of many faults. All you can do is go through the process with dignity, knowing that you really are doing everything you can to minimise the hurt for her and your kids.

I hope she'll get the right emotional support to deal with this. I can't imagine how frightening this will be for her, but there is no point of you staying just out of pity and a sense of responsibility because that's not what marriages are about.

*Robin* · 8 October 2017 at 3:35PM

Can't help wondering whether OP has Aspergers or a personality disorder - he writes just like my late husband [an Aspie] might have done in similar circumstances.
Second thought - I sincerely hope OP tells his employer about all this conflicting stuff in his head at the moment - really do *not* think he should be in charge of a passenger aeroplane until he's had counselling and / or sorted out his home life and feelings first..

To be practical: Can the bungalow be extended? Look for funding to have a purpose-built flat added for Wife + carer, so that OP can stay in the main house and supervise his children. Because OP chose to bring two children into the World despite his wife's condition, he has forfeited the right to walk away! Kids come first!

onomatopoeia99 · 8 October 2017 at 3:47PM

thepurplepixie wrote: »

He might be in for a shock. I knew someone who did the exact same thing except he only had one child. He lost any share in the house, it wasn't just that his wife was allowed to stay there till child was an adult or until she died it was transferred to her lock stock and barrell. She also got spousal maintenance on top of the child support and she got half his pension.

And there you have just explained why marriage is a terrible idea.

IAmWales · 8 October 2017 at 4:08PM

Fortunately I’m not in a fragile mental state as some of these comments could push such a person to do something very highly regrettable and perhaps people need to consider the impact (like I am from what I have taken away from the comments so far).

And how the hell do you think your wife would feel after receiving that letter? You've completely dehumanised her, made her into nothing more than a condition that needs to be managed.

But it's all about you really, isn't it?

I'm a disabled person, I'm all too aware of how stressful it can be for my family. If I received a letter like that I would see myself as such a burden that there would be no point in carrying on.

(That's the polite version. I'd be banned if I said what I really think of this so called man.)

thepurplepixie · 8 October 2017 at 4:16PM

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

And there you have just explained why marriage is a terrible idea.

Depends if you are the OP or his wife.

meer53 · 8 October 2017 at 4:19PM

I've been on the receiving end of someone just like the OP. Except i got no explanation by letter, he just decided he was off and went. At the time i found it impossible to function normally for weeks, i had a 2 year old and a teenager at the time, plus i worked full time and managed my husbands business. Add in a disability and i don't really know whether i'd still be here now.

There is no good way for the OP to do what he is planning, but one thing i do know, presenting her with a letter is a really bad idea. Grow a pair and talk first.

Considering separation from Disabled partner

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