Advice on being harassed for extra money

2

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  • CakeCrusader
    CakeCrusader Posts: 1,118 Forumite
    Tell your partner to go back to the CSA and ask for an assessment as his circumstances have changed, they will recalculate the amount he pays as it looks at his income only, not his 'he could be earning' income, and certainly not yours. He needs to tell his ex to **** off and you both need to stop giving into her demands, she's just being nosey. Tell her that you'll contact the Police if she continues to harass you both like this, and that the only time you want to hear from her is if it's regarding the welfare of the children. Child maintenance isn't a 50/50 split, she should be receiving benefits (Child Tax Credits/Universal Credit/Child Benefit) to help with the costs of raising the children too, and when your partner pays her more than you can both afford then you are pretty much paying for her lifestyle. The CSA calculation is the minimum though, your partner can overpay if he wishes but he's not obliged to.



    If his ex is allowed to get away with her behaviour she'll never stop. She'll get less money if you pay the CSA directly by the way as there's a fee, so it's in her best interests to play ball.
  • greyteam1959
    greyteam1959 Posts: 4,565
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    OP
    Paragraphs would make your posts a lot easier to read.
  • Vectis
    Vectis Posts: 680
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    OP
    Paragraphs would make your posts a lot easier to read.



    True, it was unreadable for me.
  • Grumpygit
    Grumpygit Posts: 362 Forumite
    Just a thought but does the mother have access to their bank accounts?


    Paying in the difference to them may be meaningless if she raids them or guilt trips them into handing the money over.


    They should be sat down and the situation explained to them - they are not little children any more that need to be protected but should be able to handle some home truths.....I am not talking about slagging the mother off but just about what's going on - even show them texts if you have to.


    If the mother does have access to their accounts - ask them what they want to do about it as they will be the ones missing out on having their own money - saying that, they would probably have to be careful and not go on a spending spree as she will probably want to know where the money came from.


    They may have to be creative with the truth - I am not saying lie to their mother but maybe if they realise that she will take the money they may be a bit more selfish (in a good way)
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,521
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    edited 6 October 2019 at 3:48PM
    I appreciate it's difficult, but you working yourself up with inflammatory language (bitter, resentful, dream weddings etc) isn't helpful for you because it makes the whole situation more emotive.
    Your husband and the girls need to take some responsibility for themselves as well. If she's being a pain with texting, turn the phones off. He could block her number, get another PAYG phone and give her the number for that, use it for basic contact and turn it off when the kids have gone home.

    You can complain about her all you like, but she's not going to stop while your husband is dancing around her.

    As for the mortgage, it would seem that the financial agreement has already been made so no further discussion needed. In a similar situation in my family where the mother was complaining the father was leaving her short, a conversation with the teenage children and showing them how much he did actually pay put paid that fairly quickly.

    You owe the mother no explanations, so don't give her any. If she queries you're spending just ignore it, it is none of her business.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • Sambella
    Sambella Posts: 417
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    To call CMS amounts the minimum amount implies that more should be paid and it is repeated over and over gain on here.

    The CMS amount causes great hardship to those on lower incomes and affects their children when in their care or any second family they may have which is cruel so to imply its just the minimum in this scenario endorses such cruelty. The CMS has NOT uprated the cost of living amount for NRP's since 1998, 22 years ago!!

    It must always the NRP's choice ( if they can afford it) to may more or pay for extra's not demands. The CMS deem it to be the LEGAL amount which is considered a FAIR contribution that covers everything.
  • CakeCrusader
    CakeCrusader Posts: 1,118 Forumite
    Sambella wrote: »
    To call CMS amounts the minimum amount implies that more should be paid and it is repeated over and over gain on here.

    The CMS amount causes great hardship to those on lower incomes and affects their children when in their care or any second family they may have which is cruel so to imply its just the minimum in this scenario endorses such cruelty. The CMS has NOT uprated the cost of living amount for NRP's since 1998, 22 years ago!!

    It must always the NRP's choice ( if they can afford it) to may more or pay for extra's not demands. The CMS deem it to be the LEGAL amount which is considered a FAIR contribution that covers everything.


    This is something that you need to take up with your MP and with CMS, because at the moment, they do calculate the bare minimum maintenance payments using the NRP's income, your issue isn't with those on here who have given their time and their knowledge to try to help the OP. Child maintenance is worked out this way because of the amount of NRPs who try to pay as little as they can towards their children, or just simply choose not to pay anything at all. It should never bee the NRP's choice as there are a great many who use maintenance as a way to control and abuse their ex partner and their child.
  • Sambella
    Sambella Posts: 417
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    A submission to the SSAC is probably better than writing to an MP :)

    Recommendations for supporting BOTH sets of parents. Slowly some common sense is creeping in.

    https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/841036/ssac-ocassional-paper-22-separated-parents-and-the-social-security-system.pdf
  • Sambella wrote: »
    A submission to the SSAC is probably better than writing to an MP :)

    Recommendations for supporting BOTH sets of parents. Slowly some common sense is creeping in.

    https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/841036/ssac-ocassional-paper-22-separated-parents-and-the-social-security-system.pdf


    I hear you, I really do. I'm a lawyer, and I'm also a single parent, so I do understand both sides, but the payment I receive from my ex partner wasn't a scratch on what I actually spent to raise our child. I did get my wages topped up with tax credits for a while, I did get 70% of my childcare paid for, but childcare stops when a child reaches 11, it's as if they can magically look after themselves after their birth day. My child has their own room, needed help to get to school so working full time was impossible, they needed shoes, needed clothes, has hobbies etc, and it all mounts up, even having a night light for them. The 'minimum' calculation is how the CMS service determine how much maintenance should be paid. They take into account how much the NRP needs to live/eat/get to work, it's also capped and doesn't take into account a new partner's income. What might help is if the NRP received a tax allowance for child maintenance. If they are paying child support out of their income then it's unfair to tax them on this really.



    To be honest though, it takes two people to make a child, it would be rather rubbish if the NRP left the family home and left the RP and their child destitute so they could pay for that ferrari or so they could pay to raise their partner's children instead. Separated partners can often struggle to put the needs of their children first and if you look at some of the posts in this section you'll be able to see the amount of NRPs who think that it's OK to avoid paying any child maintenance. Common sense crept in a long time ago, a percentage of the NRP's income is a fair way to do things. If their income changes they can ask for the amount to be re-calculated. As I said, there's always going to be some who'd rather pay nothing at all.
  • Hi, as one whom is in your position I understand completely the emotional side.

    I haven't read the whole thread so excuse me if I repeat what others have said.

    I have checked for myself with csa, as partners ex wanted to touch my income too, your wages do not come into consideration at all. However, if the exs partner has previous children which he is paying csa for then this money will be reduced for his children as he is seen to be supporting the girls now too as he is living with them as a father.

    Re putting money in banks, we take the kids shopping for items as we know if money is put in its used by the mother for other things so rather buy the trainers with the kids than put money across to bank accounts.

    I know it's difficult to do and after time the abusive controlling texts grate on you but try to ignore. When responding just pick out key info, keep it bland no emotion and no point in arguing as they will always come back for more, sadly some people thrive on arguments and will always want more money.

    Goodluck
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