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  • FIRST POST
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 26th Mar 19, 5:20 AM
    • 221Posts
    • 805Thanks
    Elinore
    Barking mad relatives!
    • #1
    • 26th Mar 19, 5:20 AM
    Barking mad relatives! 26th Mar 19 at 5:20 AM
    I have a family of two sides. My fathers are small loose knit, withdrawn, bookish gentle and reserved. My mothers family is huge, bright, loud, heavily, interconnected and dotty.

    Just a bit of background, just to give an idea of how this all came about - I moved away quite some time ago and live just outside London. I was honoured in my field recently at an awards ceremony and my mother and one of her sisters came down for the event. It never occurred to me that it was the first time any of the family outside of my mother have seen, or known where I live for nigh on 20 years.

    Saturday just gone i am puttering ready for bed and the doorbell goes. open the door to a very young lass, wheelie case with a toddler on her hip.

    Apparently my Aunt, in her infinite wisdom has decided that my 'huge'* house has room for her daughter! didn't ask, didn't check just put the girl on a National Express and let her travel all day to my door. (it's not huge! we just have a spare space which with large families or several generations all living together never happens) which I also happen to have our lovely mon/fri lodger living in!

    The young mum has aspirations for modelling and being close to London is key - Family do these things for the family I was told.

    Following day first thing I drove the wee lass to the train station, paid for a ticket (after buying her lunch and some bits for the babby) and sent her straight back, poor kid.

    Who does that! who?

    I've not heard a peep since! (apart from a message from the poor lass to confirm she was home safe)

    Families!
    Last edited by Elinore; 26-03-2019 at 5:23 AM.
Page 8
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 6th May 19, 1:18 PM
    • 14,910 Posts
    • 17,935 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    If you keep the communications going, I can forsee a day when the daughter turns up at your door, bags packed, saying she's been turfed out with the little one and has nowhere else to go, expecting to stay.
    Originally posted by mad_spaniel

    Good thought. I wouldn't put that past the Aunt or the "wee young lass" aka co-conspirator as the next step. Which is why the woolly "would love to see more of you" soft soap wouldnt work with them. People like this need to hear and understand a firm no options "no" and not think there's an ounce of give. Most certainly do NOT say "I'm not in a position to help right now" as that gives the clear impression you will be at some time, perhaps if leaned upon harder, maybe next week is OK then ?
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 6th May 19, 1:24 PM
    • 14,910 Posts
    • 17,935 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    OP, if I were you, I would reply to the email today.

    Comment how it's lovely to hear from your aunt, you don't meet up often enough, agree that your aunt's plans sound great and while you are not in a position to help out at this time, offer a list of reasonably priced accommodations and creches etc. Tell her to be sure to tell the niece and baby to drop in for dinner/ to visit from time to time - but to ring ahead of course. Regretfully let her know you are unavailable at weekends for the moment so a meet up won't be possible for a while. Don't say why, no need.

    I wouldn't be forceful or nasty, I wouldn't explain myself, just repeat as needed 'I'm not in a position to help out right now, but here are some other suggestions and the very best of luck to her, let me know how she gets on'.

    There are many families who consider it normal to help each other out like this. My family hosted my cousin for years so that he could attend school here, I have hosted cousins for summer months to let them live and work here, my kids would never pay for accommodation if they go to their cousins' cities (handy for trips abroad now!).

    There is really no need for outrage or offence - it's just that your aunt probably doesn't realize you are not one of those types of family members. Your mum is probably caught in the middle, coming from the same background as your aunt but knowing you are unlikely to be accepting of it.
    Originally posted by splishsplash

    This response reminds me of the "bad advice for tourists in London" jokes.

    Very funny, but terrible advice all the same.
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 6th May 19, 1:50 PM
    • 4,254 Posts
    • 4,771 Thanks
    Marvel1
    I haven't read prior threads, my answer was just in relation to this thread.

    I think there is more than one way to skin a cat. My way is to choke it with cream, your way is to bludgeon it with a hammer.

    The end result is the same, either way.
    Originally posted by splishsplash
    You need read everything to understand your way is not going to work and will be worse.

    P.S. You never answered Pollycat's question: Did the cousins turn up unexpected?
    Last edited by Marvel1; 06-05-2019 at 1:53 PM.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 6th May 19, 3:28 PM
    • 3,145 Posts
    • 7,564 Thanks
    ska lover
    The aunts daughter....

    The conversations need to make the aunt give up an go away.

    Telling her she thing her daughter ia a tramp sleeps around and you don't want her in your house bringing random bloke round.
    Add the modelling is just a cover for being a prostitute for good measure.
    Originally posted by getmore4less
    Far easier to say no though, eh.

    And if any unwarranted verbal personal attacks were to be made, in this kind of situation - it just says more about the person making them in my opinion.

    But I am assuming you are joking so hey Smiley face and all that
    Last edited by ska lover; 06-05-2019 at 6:24 PM.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Sayschezza
    • By Sayschezza 6th May 19, 6:08 PM
    • 431 Posts
    • 3,548 Thanks
    Sayschezza
    We are a mews house - so the front door is out into the street the whole row doesn't have a front garden at all

    something like this (but less swish)

    https://everchangingmews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Stanhope-Mews-South-5-of-7.jpg
    Originally posted by Elinore
    Blow the niece get ready for me to move in.
    61/66 clothing coupons
    • chesky
    • By chesky 7th May 19, 12:11 PM
    • 1,172 Posts
    • 2,026 Thanks
    chesky
    Elinore has been unusually silent...
    Last edited by chesky; 07-05-2019 at 12:20 PM.
    • splishsplash
    • By splishsplash 7th May 19, 12:17 PM
    • 2,900 Posts
    • 8,250 Thanks
    splishsplash
    You need read everything to understand your way is not going to work and will be worse.

    P.S. You never answered Pollycat's question: Did the cousins turn up unexpected?
    Originally posted by Marvel1
    I couldn't say about the cousins going to school - I was a child myself so don't remember much about it.

    My own children's cousins would have been by very casual arrangement - cousin phones and asks, I say fine and clear it with the parents.
    I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 7th May 19, 12:30 PM
    • 3,145 Posts
    • 7,564 Thanks
    ska lover
    Elinore has been unusually silent...
    Originally posted by chesky
    OH Jesus, I hope the mad rellys have not descended
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 7th May 19, 5:24 PM
    • 2,062 Posts
    • 3,531 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    Have you sent it yet??!!! The longer you leave it the harder it will get. Bite the bullet.
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 8th May 19, 4:38 AM
    • 221 Posts
    • 805 Thanks
    Elinore
    ok, I've been silent because have not sent it yet. (i know! I know!)

    I should mention I have written several but either I'm way too harsh or way too soft. I can't be doing with a family fall out as that would actually worse than a wee lass and baby turning up - so I'm trying WAY too hard and its making my emails terrible

    I'm such a chicken as I only posting this here today as i am away for two days so i can dodge your wrath too!
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 8th May 19, 5:19 AM
    • 2,062 Posts
    • 3,531 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    Obviously its entirely up to you how you want to handle this...but handle it you must one way or the other, eventually. They don't sound like the sort to let it drop.

    What's the least worse thing that can happen??!!
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
    • -taff
    • By -taff 8th May 19, 7:38 AM
    • 10,207 Posts
    • 13,848 Thanks
    -taff
    You don't need to be harsh.
    A simple,polite and above all short, e-mail will do it.


    "Sorry, we can't help her at the moment, if that changes we will be in touch."
    when the inevitable why not e-mail comes,

    "We're not in a position to help sorry"
    and continue with variations on the same theme till they get the message. You don't need to explain, and the sorry is only there for politeness sake
    Last edited by -taff; 08-05-2019 at 7:41 AM.
    • Silvertabby
    • By Silvertabby 8th May 19, 9:19 AM
    • 4,366 Posts
    • 6,823 Thanks
    Silvertabby
    You don't need to be harsh.
    A simple,polite and above all short, e-mail will do it.


    "Sorry, we can't help her at the moment, if that changes we will be in touch."
    when the inevitable why not e-mail comes,

    "We're not in a position to help sorry"
    and continue with variations on the same theme till they get the message. You don't need to explain, and the sorry is only there for politeness sake
    Originally posted by -taff

    The second one only. Saying 'not at the moment' implies that you may be able to accommodate wee lass at some point in the future, so you'd be leaving yourself open to regular 'is now ok?' enquiries. By which time it could even be wee lass plus 2 babies !
    • supermezzo
    • By supermezzo 8th May 19, 9:20 AM
    • 1,017 Posts
    • 1,245 Thanks
    supermezzo
    Please don't delay sending a short and firm 'no'. The longer the delay, the more it will be interpreted as compliance - after all, you haven't actually said 'no', have you, not in their minds.

    "Dear Auntie and wee lass,
    Thanks for your email dated xxxxx.
    We won't be helping with wee lasses plans, but wish her all the best for the future plans".


    Note the use of 'won't' and not 'can't' - won't shows that you've considered it and made a conscious decision NOT to help - can't suggests a problem in the way (such as a lodger) and that there might therefore still be a way to make it a possibility.



    I'm tempted to say that you should then reply to any further emails with an 'out of office' reply and give yourself a weeks peace and quiet.

    And remember, no end of sh*t via messages and emails is far preferable to an unwanted lodger and more than likely, her mother not long afterwards.
    It aint over til I've done singing....
    • kerri gt
    • By kerri gt 8th May 19, 9:22 AM
    • 8,023 Posts
    • 53,592 Thanks
    kerri gt
    Bite the bullet and simply put 'We're sorry but not in a personal or financial position to accommodate this proposal. We wish wee lass every success in perusing her career'
    Feb 2015 NSD Challenge 8/12
    JAN NSD 11/16


    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th May 19, 9:24 AM
    • 22,823 Posts
    • 61,779 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Jeez!
    How hard can it be to say 'no'?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th May 19, 9:26 AM
    • 31,159 Posts
    • 79,952 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Jeez!
    How hard can it be to say 'no'?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    It depends on the family - saying 'no' is easy; coping the repercussions may not be.
    • warby68
    • By warby68 8th May 19, 9:55 AM
    • 1,245 Posts
    • 10,550 Thanks
    warby68
    There is obviously so much more to the family dynamic if you really cannot just knock this on the head.

    Whatever you write if it isn't a clear and straightforward no, the door will remain open.

    If you're trying to think of reasons to say 'can't' rather than 'won't' the only reason that they might struggle to mitigate is financial as clearly they're on the scrounge.

    'Sorry auntie but financial reasons mean we cannot even consider helping with the plan but do wish niece well'

    Not that I actually think you should make personal disclosures to these people but its pretty obvious you aren't just going to say 'no and get lost'.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 8th May 19, 9:56 AM
    • 22,823 Posts
    • 61,779 Thanks
    Pollycat
    It depends on the family - saying 'no' is easy; coping the repercussions may not be.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    And that seems to be the OP's dilemma - despite having what sounds like a nightmare family and living far away.

    But procrastinating isn't going to make things any better and it isn't going to make it any easier to say 'no'.
    And from what I've read about the OP's family, it's quite likely she'll have repercussions anyway - probably from a number of directions - so she might as well send the rejection message and get it over with.
    Unless she intends to allow herself to be walked all over by her family and take this girl and baby in, she's going to have to say 'no' in some form or another.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 8th May 19, 10:43 AM
    • 9,156 Posts
    • 16,982 Thanks
    calleyw
    Bite the bullet and simply put 'We're sorry but not in a personal or financial position to accommodate this proposal. We wish wee lass every success in perusing her career'
    Originally posted by kerri gt
    Don't say sorry. It makes it look like you would if you could.

    And really the OP does not have to give any explanation. Just say can't help and that is the end of it.

    I get its hard when families are concerned and you don't want to upset people. But the Aunt seem to have no idea what the word no means and does not care who she puts out with her demands.

    I think the aunt and the young woman is very much deluded about the whole idea what she can succeed in modelling. Its a tough business, long hours and lots rejection and she has a young baby!!!! Also its not just about being pretty, its a lot about being slightly different in your looks.

    As I said before just say I can't help you out. And that is your final answer and you will no longer be discussing it any further.

    Yours

    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
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