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  • FIRST POST
    Former MSE Debs
    Real-life MMD: Hen do, or hen don't?
    • #1
    • 20th Mar 13, 4:43 PM
    Real-life MMD: Hen do, or hen don't? 20th Mar 13 at 4:43 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for hen's Mum to come?

    My best friend's hen do is coming up and though moneyís really tight, Iíve managed to save the large sum itís costing to go to Manchester for an indulgent weekend. Problem is, the henís sister has just emailed round asking for more money to pay for their Mum to come along for the weekend too. Iím not quite sure why her Mum even wants to come, let alone why we should pay for her as well, but I feel like if I refuse, itíll get back to my friend and itíll cause tension. Should I pay up, or risk the enjoyment of the weekend thatís already costing so much?


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Page 1
  • Dragon Mummy
    • #2
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:40 PM
    A bit of a cheek!
    • #2
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:40 PM
    I think you should be honest and say that you can't afford to pay any more towards the hen weekend. If the mother wants to go she should pay for herself. I don't understand why they are expecting you all to pay for her. Tell her tactfully but firmly that with the cost of the hen weekend and the wedding day (gift, new outfit etc) it is already costing you enough. I actually think its a damned cheek to be even asking! If it was all of the brides friends chipping in to give her a weekend away I could understand, but it's a bit much to ask you all to pay for her mum tbh.
    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 2nd Apr 13, 8:42 PM
    • 22,976 Posts
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    Tigsteroonie
    • #3
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:42 PM
    • #3
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:42 PM
    Paying for the Mum? I don't think so ... I do hope you're not paying for the hen's sister either.
    Mrs Marleyboy

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    • Bella73
    • By Bella73 2nd Apr 13, 8:47 PM
    • 526 Posts
    • 1,490 Thanks
    Bella73
    • #4
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:47 PM
    • #4
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:47 PM
    I think if the bride and her sister want to pay for their Mum that is one thing but I don't think the other hen guests should be asked. To be honest I think that is very rude. I wouldn't pay anything towards it if it were me. Hen weekends cost enough as it is.
  • MBAC4558
    • #5
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:51 PM
    Hen do
    • #5
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:51 PM
    No you should not be expected to pay for your friend's mother. Just explain that you don't have any spare cash as you've used all you money on your own expenses . Little white lie - " i could have budgeted for the extra money if i'd known from the beginning".
    • fatblackandwhite
    • By fatblackandwhite 2nd Apr 13, 8:55 PM
    • 585 Posts
    • 1,961 Thanks
    fatblackandwhite
    • #6
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:55 PM
    • #6
    • 2nd Apr 13, 8:55 PM
    I agree with the other posters. If the bride's mum wants to go then she should either pay for herself or the bride/her sister should pay if this is not an option.
    • Flat Eric
    • By Flat Eric 2nd Apr 13, 9:01 PM
    • 3,964 Posts
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    Flat Eric
    • #7
    • 2nd Apr 13, 9:01 PM
    • #7
    • 2nd Apr 13, 9:01 PM
    agree with other posters. very rude ! don't contribute.

  • jeffer
    • #8
    • 2nd Apr 13, 9:31 PM
    • #8
    • 2nd Apr 13, 9:31 PM
    I would be unashamedly open about this and politely refuse to pay any more. If they don't like it maybe you should be wondering whether you really need such a greedy, selfish lot as friends anyway.
    • auntie sal
    • By auntie sal 3rd Apr 13, 12:38 AM
    • 19 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    auntie sal
    • #9
    • 3rd Apr 13, 12:38 AM
    • #9
    • 3rd Apr 13, 12:38 AM
    No definitely you should not pay. I even suggest that if you can contact the other geusts, you do so and ask them to stand with you on this as it is a downright cheek. I can only think of one scenario where I might agree if I could afford to, and that is if the brides mother was fighting a serious illness, they would like to treat her and she could genuinley not afford to pay. And then of course you should be asked if you wanted to contribute not just expected to pay up.
    • Pmarmalade
    • By Pmarmalade 3rd Apr 13, 12:52 AM
    • 160 Posts
    • 134 Thanks
    Pmarmalade
    Agree with the others.

    Also, I'm absolutely certain you're not the only other invitee feeling this way! Don't doubt you're alone on feeling this way!
  • Purewhitewave
    I don't think anyone could think any differently of you for remarking that you can't afford to pay more than the originally agreed amount. It's no secret that friends earn different salaries, and have different things to budget for. Going to weddings is expensive enough already, without the hen and stag do on top. Be polite, but don't worry that you'll be judged for it.

    Between us, hubbie and I are forking out £400 for stag and hen does this year, not to mention the hotel and wedding gift for the wedding still to come. As one of the bridesmaids, I've been asked to cover a few bits like my shoes and part of the hair and beauty. Since this was agreed at the start, I don't object, but I would if I was asked to contribute last minute with no forwarning.
  • Emmsie21
    I agree, don't pay - and don't feel bad about it! I wouldn't pay for the bride's mum, if she wants to go then she can pay! We didn't pay for my mum when it was my sister's wedding. Mum came on the hen do but paid for herself. Simply tell them you are sorry but you can't afford anymore, I'm sure they'll understand, like someone else has remarked I'm sure you aren't the only one feeling this way!
    • ValleysGirl
    • By ValleysGirl 3rd Apr 13, 7:59 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    ValleysGirl
    Paying for the Mum? I don't think so ... I do hope you're not paying for the hen's sister either.
    Originally posted by Tigsteroonie
    Or, indeed, for anyone in the party other than yourself!
    • tgroom57
    • By tgroom57 3rd Apr 13, 8:24 AM
    • 1,319 Posts
    • 12,703 Thanks
    tgroom57
    Mum should pay for herself ! You can realistically say you can't stump up extra cash at such short notice.

    • duchy
    • By duchy 3rd Apr 13, 8:38 AM
    • 18,117 Posts
    • 46,081 Thanks
    duchy
    How much are they asking as your contribution ?

    Frankly I think it makes the bride and her sister look tight that they won't pay for their own mother but then most mothers I know wouldn't want to go on a hen weekend with their daughter's friends anyway but I suppose if it's a spa type weekend rather than a boozey weekend it's different.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

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  • Chezza83
    I think everyone else has pretty much said it - you should not be expected to pay for mum at all, let alone short notice! We've all gone to hen dos where you've split the cost of the bride but I think even that's a bit cheeky if the bride has chosen a big expensive weekend away. Just hold your hands up, say you can't afford it. I'd even go so far and ask why you're now expected to pay for mum too - presumably she had as much notice as you all to save for herself. I would never expect my friends to pay for my mum!
    • Sazzie23
    • By Sazzie23 3rd Apr 13, 8:54 AM
    • 2,620 Posts
    • 10,506 Thanks
    Sazzie23
    I'm assming there is a reason here that Mum can't afford to pay for herself, retired, not working or something.

    Perhaps you could say....sorry I can't afford to pay any extra, is there something we could save moneyon to make it more affordable

    ..or I could possibly pay a small amount of the next few months if it's really important, or suggest doing a car boot or something, rather than just no, since it seems important to the bride, and presumably the bride is your friend enough to want to go on her expensive hen do!
    Debt -it's a fight that I'm winning, dealing with debt one day at a time.
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    • ifan.goch
    • By ifan.goch 3rd Apr 13, 9:38 AM
    • 65 Posts
    • 87 Thanks
    ifan.goch
    I agree that the bride's mum should pay for herself.

    I don't understand why some people think it odd that the bride's mum would want to come. My daughter is getting married in a few weeks and has relied on me to do a lot of the work for the wedding. She had her hen do recently, for which I also did some of the work, but I was not invited. It sometimes feels that I'm there for the work but not for the fun. We oldies enjoy a good night out just as much as the youngsters!
    • cwc1899
    • By cwc1899 3rd Apr 13, 9:44 AM
    • 17 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    cwc1899
    Bloomin' cheek I say!
    You shouldn't be paying for anyone but yourself and that includes the bride. If someone can't afford to pay their own way then they shouldn't be going in the first place.
    All the hen parties I've been to are only to make the organiser look flash rather than have a great weekend for everybody. Very immature!
    • gj87
    • By gj87 3rd Apr 13, 9:47 AM
    • 15 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    gj87
    I couldn't go to a friends hen do because I was still a student at the time and the £100s it would cost was the equivalent of a months part time wages. I explained to the bride and her sister that I had very much wanted to but that the increasing costs meant I had to pull out. I later found out that the attendees were paying for the bride and her mum to attend, so I was glad I'd stood my ground and been honest. Some of the girls that went really couldn't afford it but went anyway and spent the weekend penny pinching.
    I would point out politely that the costs had been pre-agreed and that you had been budgeting for a certain amount so wouldn't be able to contribute any more. I'd be straight to the point, not apologetic and matter of fact.
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