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  • bogwart
    • #2
    • 30th Aug 11, 11:37 PM
    • #2
    • 30th Aug 11, 11:37 PM
    My short answer would be: No. But you don't give us enough information about "a nervous breakdown". Is her prognosis able to indicate a recovery? If so you should attempt to work out a payment plan with her husband, but I imagine if they have three children and your daughter is not working money will be hard to come by.

    I suppose you could consider asking for the car back in an attempt to minimise your loss, but it seems a bit mean to me. She's your daughter - she's cost you a lot more than 2,500 to raise - and unless there are extenuating circumstances that you haven't mentioned then why not just swallow the loss? It's not like it's a life-changing sum of money and it could take some pressure off the family - including your grandchildren.
    • pennypinchUK
    • By pennypinchUK 31st Aug 11, 12:02 AM
    • 382 Posts
    • 732 Thanks
    pennypinchUK
    • #3
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:02 AM
    • #3
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:02 AM
    And? Where's the dilemma?

    Tell them you need the money, so their payments must be regular until the loan is paid off.

    Next.
  • cc363
    • #4
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:16 AM
    • #4
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:16 AM
    Are you in dire straits and desperately need the money? How can you even think to put additional stress your own daughter while she's having a nervous breakdown? Or on her husband who must be struggling to cope with his wife's illness and bringing up their children. I'm glad I come from a family where members help and support each other.
  • phonoplug
    • #5
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:44 AM
    • #5
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:44 AM
    I guess you just have to put it down to experience. She's your daughter. You could ask that they still make regular payments, no matter how small (even 5 or 10), but it doesn't sound like you'll get the money back in full any time soon. If you're not in any financial hardship yourself then why make their situation worse by demanding it back.

    Perhaps one day when you are a pensioner they will look after you...
  • Tortle
    • #6
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:44 AM
    • #6
    • 31st Aug 11, 12:44 AM
    So your daughter was trying to better herself to give her & her family a better life. She met all payments to you until she tragically fell mentally ill & now you want our blessing to heap even more anguish on her. Your real moral question should have been "Am I fit to call myself a parent?". When you have children you love them unconditionally, you're prepared to give everything you have for them, your life if necessary & most certainly your money.
    Last edited by Tortle; 31-08-2011 at 12:56 AM.
  • robynprincess
    • #7
    • 31st Aug 11, 1:27 AM
    • #7
    • 31st Aug 11, 1:27 AM
    If you can afford it, then no. She is your daughter and is unwell, do you want to kick her when she's down? If you are struggling then you need to have a sit down with her and her husband and explain your situation and find a way of setting up a DirectDebit even for a smaller amount.
    • bouncydog1
    • By bouncydog1 31st Aug 11, 7:03 AM
    • 2,603 Posts
    • 2,058 Thanks
    bouncydog1
    • #8
    • 31st Aug 11, 7:03 AM
    • #8
    • 31st Aug 11, 7:03 AM
    Sorry - I can't believe you are asking the question. This is your daughter and her family, who by the sounds of it, are struggling to cope with her illness, one wage and looking after three children. On top of all of that she is probably worried about her job and career prospects. Unless there is something you haven't told us - e.g. she has got over her illness, is working full time and has help with childcare - then you should be trying to be more supportive. If they are no longer struggling then I would broach the subject of setting up regular repayments.
    • Enterprise 1701C
    • By Enterprise 1701C 31st Aug 11, 7:30 AM
    • 20,404 Posts
    • 215,543 Thanks
    Enterprise 1701C
    • #9
    • 31st Aug 11, 7:30 AM
    • #9
    • 31st Aug 11, 7:30 AM
    Can you spare the money and they desperately need the car (either for the kids or for work?), or can they totally spare the car and you need the money.

    Unfortunately when you lend to relatives you have to consider it more of a gift than a loan, but at the same time they have a responsibility to ensure you do not lose out through the loan.

    Follow your head, not your heart.
    What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare
    • Mumto2
    • By Mumto2 31st Aug 11, 7:55 AM
    • 1,344 Posts
    • 1,669 Thanks
    Mumto2
    I would talk to them & help work out what they can afford to pay each month, then get it on a standing order so there's no more missed payments.
    Now proud Mumto3
    • Ebenezer_Screwj
    • By Ebenezer_Screwj 31st Aug 11, 8:35 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 229 Thanks
    Ebenezer_Screwj
    You took out the loan therefore it is YOUR debt with just an informal arrangement with your daughter that she pays you so much each month. The question is : does she just have the use of the car or does it belong to her (and her husband) ? No doubt they regard the latter to be so, in which case you may encounter difficulty reclaiming the car. Even if you do get the car back you will receive no more payments and you will have made a loss on the whole deal. The only sound advice here is - never lend money to anybody - ever.
    • penarthian
    • By penarthian 31st Aug 11, 8:51 AM
    • 56 Posts
    • 79 Thanks
    penarthian
    You helped your daughter because you love her, one day she will return the debt, in love when you need it most.
    • nixblags
    • By nixblags 31st Aug 11, 9:05 AM
    • 15 Posts
    • 9 Thanks
    nixblags
    Daughter in need
    Some advice I heard recently - if you are lending money to family only do it if you are willing to treat it as a gift further down the line. A family member who has had a nervous breakdown needs support now more than ever. Its hard to understand as its not a physical illness or disability that can be seen and more readily understood and sympathised with. Recovery time can be a long slow process. Adding more stress by removing support is likely to make things worse and hinder recovery. As she has children this will also impact on them. Is the welfare of your child/grandchildren more important than money? I am sure if/when things improve they will pay you back.
  • JoannaS
    Do what you can.....
    Hi there

    Wow I can't believe some of the ridiculously judgemental responses on here......anyone who has questioned you as a parent is a fool (people in glass houses and all that)....you wouldn't have come here asking for help if you didn't feel you needed it.

    As there is much of the background information to your story missing, it makes answering tricky but here goes:

    I feel you do need the money or you wouldn't be in the dilemma you're in. I would go and talk to your daughter's husband and explain that you don't want to put any more pressure on him but that you are struggling financially and could do with a more regular payment, no matter how big or small the amount.

    Yes as a parent you would do anything for your children but it sounds to me like you've already done everthying you can....not many would risk their own credit rating to borrow money on someone else's behalf.....family or not....so carry on being the kind parent you are and try and find a compromise until your daughter is well enough to take back control of her finances.

    Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
    Debt owed 4000, Saved (to pay back) 300, only 3,700 to go!!

    My best money saving tip: Good manners cost NOTHING! So please be nice to each other!
    • ripongrammargirl
    • By ripongrammargirl 31st Aug 11, 10:16 AM
    • 50 Posts
    • 55 Thanks
    ripongrammargirl
    I was in a similar situation several years ago, where I became very ill from smokers at my workplace and ended up very depressed: I lost my job because of all this, could not afford my essential medication to deal with my acute asthma that I had, could not pay my mortgage, heating (in the middle of winter), was living on one cup-a -soup per day and was selling everything I could just to make sure I kept the roof over my head. I also sold my car and when I eventually managed to coax a bit of money from my parents to help me out I never heard the end of it all (lectures daily on living above my means-untrue as I had worked seven days a week for 11 hours a day for 3 years- and everything comes back to haunt you if you don't save etc etc) and I had to repay them every week without fail. I come from a very caring, loving family but it is lessons like this that make you stronger in the long run (although it seems like Hell at the time). If everything was given out on a plate at the slightest problem then nobody would ever learn anything. It is all about living within your means, stop spending on non-essential items and luxuries. It seems to me that at this moment in time for this family that a car is living beyond their means and non-essential. Everybody has legs to get to places, shopping can be delivered to your door etc etc. This lady needs to take back the car if her daughter can't pay because she will be doing her a huge favour in the long run, as all other costs associated with a car will be gone thereby giving this family more income than they currently have. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Deal with it and move on.
    • sassyblue
    • By sassyblue 31st Aug 11, 10:17 AM
    • 3,206 Posts
    • 8,121 Thanks
    sassyblue
    I couldn't take back the car, they're having a terrible time and your her mum, why would you want to 'punish' her?

    The only instance l would ask for the car was if they were throwing money around elsewhere whilst refusing to pay you back - even then l would feel the bad person.

    Sit them both down and work out what they can afford and ask that a standing order is set up. If they won't, you'll have to pay for it and hope that one day she'll be in a position to repay you.
    Always overpaying on mortgage.

    Happy moneysaving all.


    • JayD
    • By JayD 31st Aug 11, 10:18 AM
    • 517 Posts
    • 326 Thanks
    JayD
    Of course you shouldn't take the car back!!
    This is your daughter!!
    When she so obviously needed a car, you helped her out. That is very admirable. Unlike many children, she has paid you back faithfully right up until she suffered this distress - even now payments are being made, albeit sporadicly. I think you should be grateful that an effort is still being made to honour that commitment!

    My mother told me long ago that when you 'lend' your children money (and this is basically that), you must consider it to be a gift and if they give you anything back to think of it as a bonus. She also said never to loan anything (to anyone) that you cannot live without.

    Both of those little gems have stood me in good stead and I recommend that attitude wholeheartedly.

    I lent my son a substantial amount of money a few years ago now, with the rider that it would be interest free and there was no pressure to return it but maybe everytime he got paid a bonus with his salary, a third should of it should go to me to be set against that loan. He has received several bonuses since then and I haven't seen a penny! But I have never hassled him for one either. He is my son - he was in dire financial straits - helping our chldren out any way we can is what parents do - unconditionally.

    Please continue to be the caring supportive parent you have already demonstrated yourself to be and continue to be patient and generous - silently.
  • cuba2008
    I can't believe how judgemental some people are being suggesting you are a bad parent for daring to ask such a question. Reading your dilemma, you clearly state that your daughter needed the car to get to Uni. From that, I would assume they already had another vehicle which her husband uses for work and is the family car. She also probably got a bursary and possibly worked at the hospital in some capacity part time (which is what a lot of trainee nurses and midwives do) and was therefore financially able to repay the loan. None of that is relevant anymore if she has had to leave Uni (even if she intends to resume her studies at some point in the future). Either way, they clearly can't afford to run two cars now and, that being the case, I would speak with your son in law and explain that,given the circumstances, you need the car back. Just because you had a good enough credit rating to obtain the loan, doesn't necessarily follow that you are financially in a position to pay it back out of your own income. It may be that you have to sell the car to repay the loan or, if you have a vehicle of your own, sell that. Just because she is your daughter, it doesn't follow that you should suffer financially to continue paying the loan.
  • jadetony
    Never loan money to a friend or relative you are not prepared to give as a gift.....

    You just have to let it go, anything else risks destroying the relationship, which (assuming this means something to you) is pointless over a car.
    • onesixfive
    • By onesixfive 31st Aug 11, 11:36 AM
    • 325 Posts
    • 224 Thanks
    onesixfive
    There is not enough information here.....
    Sorry, its support they need - not hassle! 3 kids to look after, trying to maintain Midwifery career/Uni; Husband taking over unfamiliar territory of bills etc following his wifes breakdown.
    If she's reliant on the Govt for sickness benefits or whatever (that's if they're entitled!) following her breakdown, then remember they may have a severe reduction, in income for some time & may still be catching up - hence their sporadic payments.
    You need to seriously consider:
    Who can best afford the payments? You (& do you have a partner? it doesn't say); or your daughter & her husband and 3 kids?
    Is the daughter back at work/Uni after her illness? Does she need regular use of a car? Do running costs associated with the car - fuel, tax, maintenance etc - justify keeping the car? - why cant it be sold & pay off the outstanding debt? Could it not be traded-in or downgraded?
    How old are "the kids" - could they work/contribute to their household's costs?
    Have you any other daughters/sons - could they perhaps help you or your daughter?
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