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    Former MSE Lee
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back?
    • #1
    • 8th Oct 10, 12:51 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask partner for the money back? 8th Oct 10 at 12:51 PM
    Please give this MoneySaver the benefit of your advice...

    Should I ask partner for the money back?

    I've always been careful with money and had a tidy nest egg when I met my partner 11 years ago. He arrived with a bad credit rating and a fair few debts - I got him back on track and now he has no debts (barring half the mortgage). Unfortunately, his profession's volatile so he's constantly in and out of work and I've lent him money to buy a car and for higher education.

    Recently he was out of work for a year, leaving me to cover his half the 950 monthly bills. Needless to say my nest egg's substantially dwindled and I've paid out over 20k on his behalf all in. He's now working again, should I expect him to pay back the money for the household bills or just the car and education?

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    Last edited by Former MSE Wendy; 12-10-2010 at 9:40 PM.
Page 1
    • higginsb
    • By higginsb 12th Oct 10, 10:06 PM
    • 20 Posts
    • 69 Thanks
    • #2
    • 12th Oct 10, 10:06 PM
    • #2
    • 12th Oct 10, 10:06 PM
    Yes, unless you had previously agreed to subsidise him (and can afford to do so easily), whilst he is out of work or in education, he absolutely should pay back the money you have paid on his behalf. He should work out a monthly budget, and, once his essential monthly outgoings have been accounted for, should calculate how much he can afford to pay you each month. In addition, if possible, he should work towards building up a surplus in savings for when/if he finds himself out of work again.
  • picnic
    • #3
    • 12th Oct 10, 10:17 PM
    • #3
    • 12th Oct 10, 10:17 PM
    im always confused by couples that have 'my money their money' if my husband is skint so am I... we share everything... isnt that marrage is about???
    so no you shouldnt ask for the money back.. how would you feel if the situation was reversed??
    Life is like a box of chocolates........
    too much all at once and you start to feel just a little sick...._
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    • Talent
    • By Talent 13th Oct 10, 12:38 AM
    • 244 Posts
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    • #4
    • 13th Oct 10, 12:38 AM
    • #4
    • 13th Oct 10, 12:38 AM
    Looks to me like you set yourself up with a bludger (as the Dinks say). He's obviously never offered to top up your little pile and obviously doesn't intend to. Bye bye nest egg....
    • zzzLazyDaisy
    • By zzzLazyDaisy 13th Oct 10, 12:54 AM
    • 12,134 Posts
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    • #5
    • 13th Oct 10, 12:54 AM
    • #5
    • 13th Oct 10, 12:54 AM
    You say you 'lent him money' for his car and education. Was it agreed from the beginning that these were loans and that he would pay you back? If so then yes, he should pay you back.

    What about when you were paying the mortgage and bills? Was it agreed from the outset that he was running up a debt that would have to be repaid?

    Or were you just doing what couples do, and supporting him, as he would have supported you, in similar circumstances?

    Only you know what you agreed with him (I take it you do talk to each other about these things?).
    I'm a retired employment solicitor. Hopefully some of my comments might be useful, but they are only my opinion and not intended as legal advice.
  • CashBackGuru
    • #6
    • 13th Oct 10, 1:29 AM
    • #6
    • 13th Oct 10, 1:29 AM
    im always confused by couples that have 'my money their money' if my husband is skint so am I... we share everything... isnt that marrage is about???
    so no you shouldnt ask for the money back.. how would you feel if the situation was reversed??
    Originally posted by picnic
    I agree if they are married but it doesnt say that they are. Otherwise it's only fair to pay it back.
    • cazpost
    • By cazpost 13th Oct 10, 7:56 AM
    • 109 Posts
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    • #7
    • 13th Oct 10, 7:56 AM
    • #7
    • 13th Oct 10, 7:56 AM
    If you are partners,living together,then you share everything.If you were out of work,he would pay your share ,wouldn't he? If the answer to that is no,maybe you need to be in a different relationship.If by buying him a car etc you have improved his earning capabilities surely you have benefitted from it anyway?
    • gaily
    • By gaily 13th Oct 10, 8:08 AM
    • 188 Posts
    • 157 Thanks
    • #8
    • 13th Oct 10, 8:08 AM
    • #8
    • 13th Oct 10, 8:08 AM
    It sounds like you are still together - so not the same type of issue as a few weeks back, where the relationship is over.

    From the last line, sounds like you are expecting something back for the car and education, and the bills might be a bit of a bonus.

    Unfortunately, thems the breaks in a relationship. My husband had a nest egg when we got together - but a deposit on the mortgage, a new kitchen/bathroom (necessary evils, not the wife being a diva I may add!), less coming in when i was on maternity, have dwindled his egg to less that it was. But - that being said, he's happy where he is and with his lot in life. He's not intending to change his lot, and sometimes mentions the disproportionate ingoings into the relationship financially, but he then forgets that his washing gets done, the food appears on the table, his house gets cleaned.

    If you had been a bloke, and helped your lady out while she was in financial bother, or bought her a car, or helped pay her debts coming out of college or off on maternity leave - as many of the male posters on here will no doubt have done for their other halves at some stage (No rants from the ladies who are now in financial doo-doo coz the other half has left them there please.) - many of the posters here would be less sympathetic methinks.

    Maybe nows the time to think about your future together, and time to build some joint savings - then when he's working, he may be able to contribute more to those.
    Always on the hunt for a bargain. :rolleyes:

    Always grateful for any hints, tips or guidance as to where the best deals are
    • robpw2
    • By robpw2 13th Oct 10, 8:13 AM
    • 12,647 Posts
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    • #9
    • 13th Oct 10, 8:13 AM
    • #9
    • 13th Oct 10, 8:13 AM
    whats yours is mine and whats mine my own .. this is the best motto to have in life
    No seriousely you should be contributing to savings together , you gave him this money and obviously made no indication you wanted it back at any point so now you need to sit down and talk work out a budget togehter and decide to put money away for both of you now

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  • Crabhat
    The Marriage Business
    "He's now working again, should I expect him to pay back the money for the household bills or just the car and education?"

    If your relationship is any good, no, you shouldn't expect him to, but he should want to.
    • spursliz
    • By spursliz 13th Oct 10, 8:37 AM
    • 30 Posts
    • 61 Thanks
    You shouldn't have to ask!

    If this man is of any worth, he should be paying you back at once. If he isn't, I think you should ask him how much he can afford to pay back into "the savings account" and take it from there.

    Sadly you need to take care of yourself: if the relationship ends, you will have lost all your money.
  • ggreen1959
    This sounds like a relationship that will never work.
    He must relly be spending far too much when he does work. I wonder what or who he spends it on?
    Have you and the girls been talking and got wound up?
    Is he really working for what sounds like so little that he needs support?
    In most relationships one party earns significantly more than the other, usually the man because of family commitments, but this doesn't mean he owns everything. It is a partnership where everything is shared.
    If one half of the partnership is rich so is the other and vice-versa. If he is continually using the nest egg can you afford to have one? A lot of people cannot, but this "mine and his" business is not right.
  • rosemary54
    if you had married the man then the phrase "all my worldy goods with you I share" comes into mind!Does not sound as though your relationship is sound to me.When my husband inherited some money it was spent on all the family and when I had some the same applied.think you need to re think your relationship with this man as it sounds like you are not that committed to me
    • kneelbeforezod
    • By kneelbeforezod 13th Oct 10, 9:01 AM
    • 44 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    "He's now working again, should I expect him to pay back the money for the household bills or just the car and education?"

    If your relationship is any good, no, you shouldn't expect him to, but he should want to.
    Originally posted by Crabhat
    Absolutely spot on

    You shouldn't have to ask. If he's not making any noises to you about contributing more to your living costs now he's back on track - what does that say about him as a person, and of his regard/love for you?
    • aubergine
    • By aubergine 13th Oct 10, 9:02 AM
    • 49 Posts
    • 34 Thanks
    If it was clear it was a loan and you have sepearate finances then yes, of course he should pay you back.

    However, in a long term relationship it would be so much better if you could have joint finances and support each other in the tough times and benefit together in the good ones. Mind you, with his attitude to money sounds like you might be better off with seperate accounts and consider whether he is really worth subsidising?
    • dimbo61
    • By dimbo61 13th Oct 10, 9:07 AM
    • 10,071 Posts
    • 5,451 Thanks
    After 11 years together you should know what your partner is like and how he spends his money!
    Does he take you out for romantic meals and weekends away ? Do you plan on having children ?
    Some people are spenders and some are savers and to make this relationship work you need to love and trust each other.
    In the 11 years you have been together has he ever been mean with money when it comes to your birthday and xmas? Has the property you bought together gone up in value?
    If life is a constant struggle and your OH spends money with no though to who has earned it then you need to consider your relationship! Money is the route of all EVIL
    • bulletproof_1979
    • By bulletproof_1979 13th Oct 10, 9:20 AM
    • 190 Posts
    • 161 Thanks
    You're not in a proper relationship until "his money" and "my money" becomes "our money". If this isn't the case then you need to ask why that is - it's usually the sign of a fundamental problem with the relationship that needs addressing.
    • thevilraggydoll
    • By thevilraggydoll 13th Oct 10, 10:02 AM
    • 18 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    It really depends on whether it was stated as a loan when you first lent it, if not, then I'm afraid he might see it as the 'we're in it together' scenario others have mentioned.

    I lent my partner money when we relocated to help him cover his rent while he searched for a new job. We still have seperate finances but I would rather lose the measly interest on my short term savings than him pay huge overdraft or loan fees. It was set up as a loan from the offset and a record kept of how much I had lent him and how much he had paid back.

    Keeping finanances seperate does not always mean you are not in it together. My boyfriend is proud and even though I earn more than him (at this moment in time) would not like me paying more of the bills etc. In saying this we balance it in other ways, I will pick up more dinner than he does and do the big monthly online food shop.

    We keep out finanaces seperate as we have very different ways of managing money. We both pay bills and rent on time but I like to get the most out of my money and save a little whereas he sees spare money as an opportunity to treat himself. Both ways are fine, but to save relationship melodrama we deal with our non essentials money ourselves.

    It is not a dealbreaker for our relationship but likewise, I don't want to control his life by insisting he manage his money my way. He has made concessions and is opening a savings account and that is enough to make me happy.

    In saying this we currently still rent and are not married. Once we get a mortgage together it will be 'our home' to invest in, but at the moment we have the luxury of remaining self sufficent.
  • mary-jane
    From what you say, I think you could reasonably expect him to pay you back for the car and higher education, as these were loans (so long as it was agreed and understood at the time that they were loans).In terms of the living expenses, unless you made an agreement to 'loan' this to him also, it would be unreasonable for you to expect him to pay them back.
    The fact you're asking this question suggests you might have some resentments regarding your mutual finances, and for the sake of your relationship I really think it would be worth asking yourself a few things, and then having a frank and honest conversation with your partner about money issues where you can come to a mutually acceptable arrangement regarding your future finances.

    The things I think it might be worth asking yourself are - Has your partner supported you in other, non-financial ways? (this could be in any way from household responsibilities to emotional support). A relationship can be equal in ways other than matching each other pound for pound. If he hasn't, then perhaps it might be worth considering if this is really about money, or more about being disappointed with the relationship in general (perhaps you're feeling used if deep down you think he's just living off of you and deliberately not pulling his weight)

    Also, is your way of life more expensive than his would be if you weren't together? For example, would he have taken on a mortgage? If financial obligations you've both got into were your idea, then it might be hard for him, on a lower income, to keep up with you.

    I've been on both sides of this situation, both supporting a partner, and being supported by one. With the partner I supported, our relationship finally ended when I realised he was not only contributing financially, but he didn't support me in any way at all, and he was dependant on me for pretty much everything - I was more like a mother than a partner. However, I don't resent him for this, as I'm a grown up, and it was my choice. The same with you and your partner - he's not forcing you to do anything, it's your choice, and why would he think there was a problem if you've never discussed it and you've just kept paying out?

    In my current relationship, my partner has always had a lot more money than me, and it's been a struggle to try and 'keep up' with him financially. He has more expensive tastes than me and I've felt guilty about what he's spent on me as there's no way I can match it. We've had to have a lot of conversations about money to reach a happy medium. I felt uncomfortable doing this at 1st, as I've always been very independent, but it was crucial to have a clear idea of what he was happy to pay for, and what I was expected to contribute to.

    This could be a sensitive subject for your partner also, as many men feel very emasculated being supported by a partner, so he might choose to avoid the subject altogether, as he may feel ashamed. You should try to be sensitive to this, so bring it up in a no-blame, non-accusatory way, perhaps say 'You know financial security has always been really important to me, and my savings have dwindled over the last few years, so I really want to build them up again. I want to budget our expenses so I can save again, so I'd like to talk about our living costs and who's paying for what, and also figure out a plan that works for you to pay back the loans I made you'.

    • geri1965
    • By geri1965 13th Oct 10, 10:14 AM
    • 8,366 Posts
    • 14,004 Thanks
    You're not in a proper relationship until "his money" and "my money" becomes "our money". If this isn't the case then you need to ask why that is - it's usually the sign of a fundamental problem with the relationship that needs addressing.
    Originally posted by bulletproof_1979
    So any couples who prefer to keep their finances separate are not in proper relationships then? That's an awful lot of people there that you have just insulted.
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