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  • FIRST POST
    Former MSE Lee
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I make my daughter pay for it?
    • #1
    • 2nd Aug 10, 10:44 AM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I make my daughter pay for it? 2nd Aug 10 at 10:44 AM
    This is a real life MMD so please bear in mind the MoneySaver in question will read your responses:

    Please give this MoneySaver the benefit of your advice...

    Should I make my daughter pay for it?

    My daughter never takes money out with her, so I end up buying her something, and insisting she repay. Yet once home I forget, she doesn't remind me it gets out of hand. We just bought a new hutch for the rabbit, the one she really liked was quite a lot but she insisted she would pay half, now she's in a strop due to me saying she is not having pocket money for weeks due to paying it off. Should I be lenient?

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    Last edited by Former MSE Lee; 03-08-2010 at 5:59 PM.
Page 1
    • Techno
    • By Techno 3rd Aug 10, 9:54 PM
    • 1,081 Posts
    • 691 Thanks
    Techno
    • #2
    • 3rd Aug 10, 9:54 PM
    • #2
    • 3rd Aug 10, 9:54 PM
    Absolutely not. Obviously as a parent you pay for a huge amount of things anyway but if you have come to an agreement that your daughter will contribute to something and then let her away with it then you are not teaching her the value of money. Does she work for her pocket money (real meanie here - I never got something for nothing always had to work to earn it so it's what I expect!!!) How about extra chores to pay back her 'debts'?
    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try getting in bed with a mosquito!
    • emidee
    • By emidee 3rd Aug 10, 9:57 PM
    • 71 Posts
    • 133 Thanks
    emidee
    • #3
    • 3rd Aug 10, 9:57 PM
    • #3
    • 3rd Aug 10, 9:57 PM
    Definately not....you don't say how old she is but to be honest that doesn't matter - if you wish your daughter to grow up with a responsible attitude to money then you should stick to the terms of the original agreement, otherwise she may always think that someone else will 'bail her out' - and in the long term that will do her no favours!
  • we_gone_bananas
    • #4
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:39 PM
    Life lessons
    • #4
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:39 PM
    Of course your child/young person should pay you back as agreed. Later in life she will thank you for being able to reach much further than all those other kids at school who are all supposedly allowed to watch 18 rated films at the age of 12, stay up and get drunk from the age of 12 and get pregnant so as to get their grubby hands on a council house.
    You start to teach them the value of money early on and they will take that with them for the rest of forever; you never know she might learn to appreciate the fact she has worked and been rewarded too!! Imagine entering life with all those lessons firmly learnt. She'll be way ahead of the majority!
    • flossy_splodge
    • By flossy_splodge 3rd Aug 10, 11:39 PM
    • 2,386 Posts
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    flossy_splodge
    • #5
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:39 PM
    • #5
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:39 PM
    No no no no no!
    It doesn't get any better if you are 'lenient'.
    My personal experience with 2 DD's is that you are just taken for granted and they don't develop a sense of the requirement to be able to pay for what thewy want/choose if you help them out all the time.
    Don't do it.
    I did and am now reaping the rewards of neither feeling any obligation to repay what they owe.

    "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
    ― John Wooden
    • hullight
    • By hullight 3rd Aug 10, 11:49 PM
    • 511 Posts
    • 287 Thanks
    hullight
    • #6
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:49 PM
    • #6
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:49 PM
    Teach her money lessons now or she will never know how to manage her finances.

    Besides I never got pocket money as a kid and I managed fine.
  • meher
    • #7
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:51 PM
    • #7
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:51 PM
    'course you should be lenient

    haven't you heard children learn what they live - if children live with fairness, they learn justice
    • WhyIsSavingSoHard
    • By WhyIsSavingSoHard 3rd Aug 10, 11:59 PM
    • 60 Posts
    • 68 Thanks
    WhyIsSavingSoHard
    • #8
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:59 PM
    • #8
    • 3rd Aug 10, 11:59 PM
    I'm with everyone else on this. I've seen these situations with my sister and her children. She has a habit of backing down and this means that her children think she's a 'soft touch'. It doesn't do them any good as her daughter now thinks that she can get whatever she wants and not pay for it and her son just laughs at her when she threatens to stop his pocket money knowing it'll last all of a week (if it lasts that long).
    I'm not supposed to be normal, I'm supposed to be me
    Quidco cash back since May 2010 ~ more than 83.13
    Must remember to use it more, but every little helps
  • bluehase
    • #9
    • 4th Aug 10, 12:39 AM
    You have to make her pay...
    • #9
    • 4th Aug 10, 12:39 AM
    I think it's very important that she pays up or finds another way to pay through doing extra chores or maybe getting a paper round. My parents never allowed me to get away with that kind of behaviour growing up - their attitude was - if you don't have the cash, you don't get the goodies... It makes you more responsible and puts more value on things. Giving in and being lenient will not only hurt your purse-strings but it will hurt her ability to cope with her own finances later in life. If she thinks she can rack up debt and not pay it back she'll be in for a sharp shock in the real world when she has to take responsibility for herself. Better to learn now than in 6 years time with thousands of pounds rather than tens of pounds to worry about paying back... Also I think there's a morality issue here too - if she's been promising to pay things back and then going back on that it doesn't say much for her character. Being firm will hopefully make this less of an issue and her more responsible and taking responsibility for her actions and words.
  • jc2711
    Stick with it
    I am with everyone else on here - stick with it; otherwise there is no value to anything. J
  • Trinitrotoluene
    I'd go one step further and add interest to what she owes if she refuses to pay it
    • Talent
    • By Talent 4th Aug 10, 1:13 AM
    • 244 Posts
    • 219 Thanks
    Talent
    They are your children. They deserve to be spoilt. They deserve to have everything on a plate and the more you give them now the less there will be when you kick the bucket, which could be sooner than later if you're penniless!
    • Talent
    • By Talent 4th Aug 10, 1:21 AM
    • 244 Posts
    • 219 Thanks
    Talent
    Further thoughts. You know how good it feels when you do or buy something for your children.
    It's a bit like going out with a pocketful of brass and just knowing you're going to spend it.
    What? You never do that? Shame, you're missing one of the great feelings of being alive.... ALIVE.
    I feel sorry for the skinflints.
    • camaj
    • By camaj 4th Aug 10, 2:33 AM
    • 488 Posts
    • 240 Thanks
    camaj
    They are your children. They deserve to be spoilt.
    Originally posted by Talent
    That's not a good thing though. It seems more and more people are using spoilt as a synonym for pampered or loved. It's spoilt for a reason, if you treat your kids like that you will literally spoil them.

    Your children deserve to be loved but loving them is doing what's best for them. If they don't learn to be responsible for their money (and their decisions) then it will probably come back to bite them when they're older.

    Daughter is in a strop, but it's a form of emotional blackmail. Either that or she's already spoilt. Giving in will just make the problem worse.
  • LOUY
    She must learn to pay her way. No point spoiling her now. Making her keep to her agreement and paying off her debt needs to be taught whilst she is still young.

    Parents paying for their kids purchases should be viewed as buying on credit - like on a credit card. Buy now - Pay Later. They must learn the Pay Later is vital and can not be missed.

    I am a big believer in teaching these things from a young age. When I have kids, and I give them pocket money, I plan to charge them income tax.
    Mortgage when started (Dec 2005): 120,000
    Current mortgage (March 2011): 98,563
    Update (Jan 2014): 89,639
    Mortgage free day: Jan 2034
    • Skeenfleent
    • By Skeenfleent 4th Aug 10, 3:04 AM
    • 84 Posts
    • 39 Thanks
    Skeenfleent
    I was spoilt somewhat as a child (I also went through a lot of external abuse so maybe my parents felt sorry for me or whatever). My parents didn't start out like that, but if you give a child the easy option, well, they're a child, they will likely take it!

    It turns out that I didn't naturally learn the true value of money as well as I could have.

    Now I know (having worked in a cheese-packing plant, on bars, manual labour, you learn well enough).

    However, I see my young cousin, who's 15, an only child and getting spoilt. Blatantly not looking after a lot of his stuff. Easy-come, easy-go. He breaks things far too easily (maybe on purpose, in a teenage tantrum, but I have no clue and it makes no difference).

    This fellow is in for a big shock if he doesn't stroll out of university into a well-paid job - and it looks like that's going to be even harder, not easier come six years time.

    So if I were you, I'd do your child a favour to make sure they learn now how it is for adults - you must keep your financial promises. Whatever the earache now, they might just thank you for it in the future.
    • popsicat
    • By popsicat 4th Aug 10, 6:16 AM
    • 97 Posts
    • 314 Thanks
    popsicat
    no - it was a big purchase and she struck a deal
    if not this time then when...stick it out this time so you can negotiate properly next time she wants something large
    If the money was large I let my daughter work it off as well - I hate ironing!!!!
    If you can't take responsibility for it, you'll always be a victim.

    Richard Bach

    • yorkie18
    • By yorkie18 4th Aug 10, 6:27 AM
    • 790 Posts
    • 11,419 Thanks
    yorkie18
    You should definitely make your daughter pay her way. If you tell her she has to pay the money back, and then back down, she may well think this will always be the case whenever she owes you money.

    Personally, I never had pocket money as a child and I really do think it's helped me learn the real value of money today.

    Stick to your guns, I'm sure she will think back and thank you for it when she's older, just like I do now with my parents.
    Be Kind, Work Hard, Stay Humble, Smile Often, Keep Honest, Stay Loyal, Travel When Possible, Never Stop Learning, Be Thankful Always and Love
  • lynn_m21
    She'll thank you
    My mum always used to match what i saved for big purchases, like my first car.

    I am so grateful to her for this common sense approach, as I always appreciate what I got, having paid for half of it. But my mum was there helping me out and supporting me. Plus it seems to have helped me avoid getting loads of credit cards - Mum set the example of saving for what you want too.

    I have a school friend, who I'm still in touch with, whose parents bought her first car outright, lent her money all the time but never made her repay it. She's an ex-bankrupt now, at 36 her parents have just bailed her out for at least the 5th time to the tune of thousands of pounds. She threatens suicide and they cave in and help her. Even though they are retired and spending their nest egg. What will she do when they are gone? When will she grow up? Her parents are lovely people, they have bailed her out because they love her, but they've done her a major disservice, and not brought her up to be a responsible, capable adult. I feel sorry for her and will not make the same mistake with my children.
  • glynndad
    What ever happened to saving up for something BEFORE you PURCHASE It ??
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