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  • FIRST POST
    Former MSE Penelope
    Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?
    • #1
    • 27th Apr 10, 11:25 AM
    Real life MMD: Should I risk offending the bridesmaid? 27th Apr 10 at 11:25 AM
    This is a real life MMD so please bear in mind the MoneySaver in question will read your responses:

    Please give this MoneySaver the benefit of your advice...

    Should I risk offending the bridesmaid?

    I've a hen do in the summer, organised by the chief bridesmaid who I've never met. We've paid 30 for our hotel, but she didn't tell us we'd need to pay 50 in advance to book a cocktail making experience, a 2 course dinner & VIP entry to a club. It's pricey and we could get a better deal if we all booked directly ourselves. I can't afford to pay anything at the moment. Should I just say and risk offending her?

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    Last edited by Former MSE Penelope; 27-04-2010 at 9:37 PM.
Page 1
  • lm07
    • #2
    • 27th Apr 10, 11:53 PM
    • #2
    • 27th Apr 10, 11:53 PM
    It is worth mentioning it (done something similar myself). You could just mention you had seen a deal online which could work out as a saving for everyone, send them the link and ask if they want to look into it. There's nothing wrong with saying you have a budget at the moment. If they ignore this, you could ask if she doesn't mind that you do your own booking?
    Last edited by lm07; 27-04-2010 at 11:55 PM. Reason: add on.
  • trudij
    • #3
    • 28th Apr 10, 1:24 AM
    • #3
    • 28th Apr 10, 1:24 AM
    I agree with lm07 - but Id hope that the organiser would be open to saving money !!
    Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup
  • mr-tom
    • #4
    • 28th Apr 10, 6:17 AM
    • #4
    • 28th Apr 10, 6:17 AM
    Or give the evening a miss.

    There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. They should have been open about the costs when they were asking you to sign up.
  • elliep
    • #5
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:01 AM
    • #5
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:01 AM
    I'd be more worried about the bride than the chief bridesmaid. If you think the bride will be upset if you question the plans then don't do it unless you have to. If the bride will be happy with you trying to get the best deal you can, and just be glad that you're there at all, then don't worry what the bridesmaid thinks. Let her know about the cheaper deal and tell her that you plan to book it all the cheaper way.

    You don't have to go to the event at all. It does sound quite expensive and the bridesmaid was wrong not to tell you about all the costs before you decided whether or not you wanted to go. It's OK to decide that you actually don't want to go.
    • davetrousers
    • By davetrousers 28th Apr 10, 8:05 AM
    • 5,639 Posts
    • 4,881 Thanks
    davetrousers
    • #6
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:05 AM
    • #6
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:05 AM
    I've noticed a trend that the person organising the stag hen night simply buys a package off the internet and then simply expects everyone they contact to gleefully throw money at them.

    I for example have declined the offer of playing 36 holes of golf as part of a package on the basic premise that I can't play golf!

    Yes it is the stag's/hen's night but don't feel overly pressured.
    .....

  • aliasojo
    • #7
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:09 AM
    • #7
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:09 AM
    I can't afford to pay anything at the moment. Should I just say and risk offending her?
    Originally posted by MSE Penelope
    Would a person really be offended if they were told someone didn't realise they needed to pay a further 50 and just couldn't afford it so would either have to book themselves to save money or not go?

    If this bridesmaid was going to be offended by something like this then to hell with her, she's not the type of person whose feelings I would care too much about anyway tbh. I'd be making it clear I'd be joining in as much as my finances would allow.
    Herman - MP for all!
  • __TJ__
    • #8
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:11 AM
    • #8
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:11 AM
    firstly as you dont know your bridemaid im assuming she is from his side of the family. ask her if you can meet up first and have a chat ( get to know you kind of thing) and express your excitement at the upcoming marriage to her relative. tell her you are looking forward to the hen night as a great time out with palls but some of them are on a budget - including yourself, so your freind X ( check with X that its ok to use her as a scapegoat) found this price online, isnt that great?
    what can she say? "no i want you to spend more money and do it my way?" she doesnt know you either as is probably just as wary and while you are worried about offending someone you have never met, she is worried about ruining the brides hen night. this is your wedding, hopefully you will only do it the once, and you should do it the best ( moneysaving ) way you can.
    congratulations on your impending wedding BTW
  • aliasojo
    • #9
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:13 AM
    • #9
    • 28th Apr 10, 8:13 AM
    _TJ_, I think you shoud re-read the first post. It's not the OP's wedding, she's just a guest.
    Herman - MP for all!
    • gaily
    • By gaily 28th Apr 10, 8:23 AM
    • 188 Posts
    • 157 Thanks
    gaily
    I'd speak with the bride. I'm obviously close to her, or wouldn't be invited, as would be her chief bridesmaid.

    It may be that plans are far enough down the line that the Chief bridesmaid has already paid - and would lose - deposits on the current plans, so it may not be as easy as just changing the company.

    The bride would be able to advise on the bridesmaid's 'attitude to cash' even if she wasn't aware of the plans (it's becoming the norm to suprise the bride with the activities planned). Shucks - that's the cat out of the bag if she didn't know on this one!!!

    All you can do is chat through your concerns that you'd love to spend the time with them, but really can't afford 50, on top of the hotel (and drinks all evening to boot) - Suggest that you may know of a way to bring the cost down, and are they interested?

    The last hen do i went on was a weekend away in Edinburgh - where we stayed in the local youth hostel, and had an hour's pole dancing lesson - which someone found on a discount rate site. I however chose not to join in the 'rounds at the bar' as the first amount that went in the kitty was 30 per head - I wasn't drinking much as I had to drive home the following day (with the bride - so precious cargo!) and don't like being drunk in cities that I don't know! I think I spent about 12 on drinks all evening, the rest were up to about 45 in next to no time - don't ask me where it all went!

    Good luck with the hen do, enjoy some time with the hen before her big day - even if on a different date. Hope we manage to help your descision making.

    ....or use this site to find a way of making 50 before the money is due?
    Always on the hunt for a bargain. :rolleyes:

    Always grateful for any hints, tips or guidance as to where the best deals are
    • shellsuit
    • By shellsuit 28th Apr 10, 8:30 AM
    • 23,017 Posts
    • 41,912 Thanks
    shellsuit
    Be honest and tell them you didn't realise there would be more cash to pay out.

    A wedding is already expensive enough for some guests.

    Hen/Stag night
    Outfits
    Travel to wedding
    Hotel
    Gift
    Drinks etc...


    I also think it's rude to organise something and rope people in, without telling them exactly what's what. This person should have known in advance that there was another 50 to pay, instead of now being made to feel awful.
    Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty...
    • edinburgher
    • By edinburgher 28th Apr 10, 8:36 AM
    • 11,262 Posts
    • 60,430 Thanks
    edinburgher
    Pretty much this exact scenario (well the stag version) is happening with my brother's stag do - only difference being that he's organising it himself so it's pretty hard to say no.

    Not content with the fact that it's abroad and we've all had to fork out for plane tickets, two nights in a hotel and spending money, he just bought tickets to a football match from a reseller, meaning that I'm now likely to be 450 out of pocket for a weekend He doesn't think this is a lot (compulsive traveller), but what's the polite way of saying that I only save 60/mth towards holidays and he's effectively ruined my chance of having a summer holiday?
    • gaily
    • By gaily 28th Apr 10, 8:38 AM
    • 188 Posts
    • 157 Thanks
    gaily
    Pretty much this exact scenario (well the stag version) is happening with my brother's stag do - only difference being that he's organising it himself so it's pretty hard to say no.

    Not content with the fact that it's abroad and we've all had to fork out for plane tickets, two nights in a hotel and spending money, he just bought tickets to a football match from a reseller, meaning that I'm now likely to be 450 out of pocket for a weekend He doesn't think this is a lot (compulsive traveller), but what's the polite way of saying that I only save 60/mth towards holidays and he's effectively ruined my chance of having a summer holiday?
    Originally posted by edinburgher
    Ouch - I feel for you. Some people forget that this may be their big day that they are budgeting for on their own terms, that they are forcing others to spend - and being your Bro, there's not much chance to tell him to go stick it.
    Always on the hunt for a bargain. :rolleyes:

    Always grateful for any hints, tips or guidance as to where the best deals are
    • veloo
    • By veloo 28th Apr 10, 8:39 AM
    • 104 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    veloo
    I would open up and say exactly what you have told us in an email to everyone remotely interested in this "hen do". There might be some who might be "not interested" precisely for the same reason as you.

    It's pricey and we could get a better deal if we all booked directly ourselves. I can't afford to pay anything at the moment.
    Originally posted by MSE Penelope
    Let everyone make up their own minds. They might all be thinking the same as you. I wouldn't worry about offending "the chief bridesmaid who I've never met". If she (and/or the bride) were responsible enough, she should have consulted everyone involved, unless they were footing the bill themselves.

    If you don't feel comfortable handling this, I would quietly excuse myself from this "hen do", with no hard feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences, including the bride and chief bridesmaid, in how they want the important events in their life to be.

    To be charitable to the chief bridesmaid (and/or the bride), she could be in the same boat as you, and might welcome your initiative with some moneysaving advice for everyone.
    Last edited by veloo; 28-04-2010 at 8:46 AM.
  • Sublime
    Or give the evening a miss.

    There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. They should have been open about the costs when they were asking you to sign up.
    Originally posted by mr-tom
    Snap.

    I would always tell someone (and have done so) if I couldn't afford to do something. I would mention the cheaper deal, and take it from there.
    • wildthing01
    • By wildthing01 28th Apr 10, 8:53 AM
    • 328 Posts
    • 2,237 Thanks
    wildthing01
    this sounds suspiciously like a hen do i'm going on this summer!!! i can't see why there should be a dilemma here - i would just 'reply all' to the email, saying

    'oh sorry, i didn't realise there was 50 more to pay - i must have missed something! i can't actually afford that at the moment - but i have found this on the internet (insert relevant link), it seems to work out x amount cheaper - would it be okay if i booked myself through this?'

    if using reply all, there may be others who will see the email, who would be interested indoing it your way, and i can't see how the bridesmaid could be remotely offended by the email. at least booking it your way means you'll be able to attend, and surely that's what the bridesmaid should be most concerned about, as she should have the bride's best interests at heart.
    Last edited by wildthing01; 28-04-2010 at 8:55 AM.
    • misspoppy
    • By misspoppy 28th Apr 10, 8:54 AM
    • 1,006 Posts
    • 614 Thanks
    misspoppy
    Hi
    I had a similar thing last year when I was informed we were going to a strip club for the whole evening and I really wasn't happy about it, in fact I replied and said I wouldn't go. All our communication was done on email so I sent a reply to all saying I didn't want to go to a strip club and someone else also expressed their concerns. In the end the other girls explained more about the club and I went. I did speak to the other girls that I knew and then decided to send the group mail so maybe you could do the same I'm sure you aren't the only one concerned about money right now.
    • jamespir
    • By jamespir 28th Apr 10, 9:50 AM
    • 18,725 Posts
    • 19,767 Thanks
    jamespir
    id explain the situation and see how it goes
    Replies to posts are always welcome, If I have made a mistake in the post, I am human, tell me nicely and it will be corrected. If your reply cannot be nice, has an underlying issue, or you believe that you are God, please post in another forum. Thank you
  • spangle.kitten
    When a friend of mine got married last summer the hen do was arranged by her sister (who I'd never met) and she sent me a link to the restaurant she wanted to go to. My eyes were out on stalks...I might just have been able to have afforded a starter and a side salad if I ate nothing else but value beans on toast for the entire week! I emailed her back and politely said that it was out of my price range, could I join them later in the evening for the drinks at a local pub. It seemed that a few others had also written to her saying "Ouch! What kind of income do you think I'm on?!" so she organised a far cheaper place, and asked what sort of price we could afford.

    So you may find that several others are in the same boat as you. So I'd certainly email her and tell her about the offer ~ or ask if you could just go to the club part of the evening?

    Or go straight to the bride and ask her to have a word?

    I wouldn't worry too much about offending her. You're likely to only meet her twice; once at the hen night and at the wedding!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 28th Apr 10, 10:28 AM
    • 8,404 Posts
    • 29,530 Thanks
    Primrose
    I really think that these kinds of events are starting to become emotional blackmail in terms of the unwanted financial pressure they put on people when times are economically difficult.
    Probably others find themselves in the same embarrassing situation so it's better to be honest and say that that kind of event is simply beyond your budget at the moment. However I'd mention it to the bride. You're doing her a favour by being her bridesmaid but you don't have to drive yourself into bancruptcy in the process.
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