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  • joffmeister
    • #2
    • 14th Jan 10, 10:07 AM
    • #2
    • 14th Jan 10, 10:07 AM
    I actually like the obtuse one!
  • dgbeale
    • #3
    • 14th Jan 10, 12:31 PM
    • #3
    • 14th Jan 10, 12:31 PM
    My wife asked me if I have ever kissed a man, I said no - but I've kissed a man who has.
  • fatblokemarge
    • #4
    • 14th Jan 10, 1:00 PM
    Tim Vine joke contest
    • #4
    • 14th Jan 10, 1:00 PM
    "I went out with a girl who had a wooden leg... that was fine until I discovered she had a real foot.."


    "Kylie Minogue does nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. I've written, asked, emailed, phoned..."



    And my favourite from the Tim Vine show that I also saw...

    "Last week I put everything I own onto one horse... unfortunately it squashed it..."

    Ba-dum tish
  • RabbitMad
    • #5
    • 14th Jan 10, 1:01 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Jan 10, 1:01 PM
    The Missus asked me to shave her the other week. Thought I did a really good job, no straggling hairs left around the lips; but I did nick her chin in a couple of places.

    The Missus phoned to say she was having a Brazillian. I was a bit disappointed, I'd always considered Juan a friend.
  • jeronimo
    • #6
    • 14th Jan 10, 2:58 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Jan 10, 2:58 PM
    I was given a book the other day that guarantees to beat procrastination - I haven't gotten round to reading it yet.
  • parristim
    • #7
    • 14th Jan 10, 3:02 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Jan 10, 3:02 PM
    I think Tim Vine himself may have done those three Martin - so they're not paltry at all. As you say about the build up of silliness, it's all in the delivery.

    This one's pilfered from the 'made up jokes' feature on the Adam and Joe 6Music radio show... How do you make a questionnaire laugh? Tickle it's boxes.
  • Oldphil
    • #8
    • 14th Jan 10, 3:44 PM
    Your Jokes
    • #8
    • 14th Jan 10, 3:44 PM
    Your Joke:
    • “It seems they’ve finally found a cure for erectile dysfunction – that was a long time coming.”
    • Are you sure this is not just a case of bad stand up!
    • notken
    • By notken 14th Jan 10, 4:52 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    notken
    • #9
    • 14th Jan 10, 4:52 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Jan 10, 4:52 PM
    I liked the obtuse one too.

    One I wrote for a stage show at Uni:

    "Are you going to be a flea for ages?"
    "No, I'm just going to be a tick."
    • diabeticguy
    • By diabeticguy 14th Jan 10, 4:58 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    diabeticguy
    Apparantly there is a theory that there is a use for kettles with holes in them.....I don't think that will hold water.....
    • MSE Martin
    • By MSE Martin 14th Jan 10, 5:42 PM
    • 8,116 Posts
    • 42,310 Thanks
    MSE Martin
    Apparantly there is a theory that there is a use for kettles with holes in them.....I don't think that will hold water.....
    Originally posted by diabeticguy

    I like it - and in good collective brainstorming - i hope you don't mind me suggesting an amendment

    How about


    "Someone has just invented a cross between a kettle and a sieve, but I don't think the idea will hold water."
    Martin Lewis, Money Saving Expert.
    Please note, answers don't constitute financial advice, it is based on generalised journalistic research. Always ensure any decision is made with regards to your own individual circumstance.

    Don't miss out on urgent MoneySaving, get my weekly e-mail at www.moneysavingexpert.com/tips.

    Debt-Free Wannabee Official Nerd Club: (Honorary) Members number 000
    • MSE Martin
    • By MSE Martin 14th Jan 10, 5:48 PM
    • 8,116 Posts
    • 42,310 Thanks
    MSE Martin
    I just got an email from Mr. Vine senior (aka Jeremy) to say he enjoyed the obtuse joke and that lovers of Tim’s humour may enjoy this www.murraysworld.com/forum/chit-chat/tim-vine-jokes/
    Martin Lewis, Money Saving Expert.
    Please note, answers don't constitute financial advice, it is based on generalised journalistic research. Always ensure any decision is made with regards to your own individual circumstance.

    Don't miss out on urgent MoneySaving, get my weekly e-mail at www.moneysavingexpert.com/tips.

    Debt-Free Wannabee Official Nerd Club: (Honorary) Members number 000
    • Flickering Ember
    • By Flickering Ember 15th Jan 10, 1:49 PM
    • 11,686 Posts
    • 128,899 Thanks
    Flickering Ember
    I hate families. Take mine for example...well, I wish someone would.

    One Paul McCartney said on stage at his London concert last year had me in stitches, after he mentioned there were some Japanese people in the audience; "I speak Japanese like a native..........of Korea." Gerry Marsden is the most hilarious entertainer though, his banter between songs is side splitting.
    Flickering Embers grow higher and higher...I need a break and I wanna be a paperback writer!
    • notken
    • By notken 15th Jan 10, 5:16 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    notken
    My grandpa got his Viagra and laxatives mixed up. He didn't know if he was coming or going.
    • JimmyTheWig
    • By JimmyTheWig 15th Jan 10, 11:05 PM
    • 11,885 Posts
    • 11,412 Thanks
    JimmyTheWig
    I’m going with his brother to see him live next month
    Colin? Or Ho-Chan-Chu?
  • pompey
    I am a fan of Tim Vine and also saw him on comedy channel...very subtle!

    It seems easy to think of one-liners but it is not as easy as it looks/sounds...here are my attempts:



    I took a load of insects shopping the other day, when the nectar was reduced they made a bee-line for it.

    I am pretty confident so I went speed dating in the pub the other night, it was meet and drink for me.

    I was in a joke shop and said to the manager “My act has a great start, fantastic middle but a poor finish”. He said “would you like something for the weak end sir?”


    Just before I go I would like to sing “The ugly duckling” – it’s my swan song!
    No sig!
  • basieman
    BIG Tim Vine fan - Hope you like this one, also best said aloud.... I was in a bar chatting to a girl .. "What's your name then?"
    "Chantelle"
    "Well please yourself" !!
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 20th Jan 10, 10:20 PM
    • 33,680 Posts
    • 67,713 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    AFAIK Tim Vine does not do 'dirty' jokes.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 20th Jan 10, 10:24 PM
    • 33,680 Posts
    • 67,713 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    This is a real Tim Vine joke (because I can't think of a soundalike):

    I went into a skip hire shop. I said ' I wanna skip outside my house'.

    The bloke behind the counter said 'well I'm not stopping you'.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • djdanjohnson
    My girlfriend had a terrible industrial accident and ended up with her right leg thrown over her shoulder, left leg thrown over the other, arm twisted round her ribs, other arm twisted round her neck.... so I had to finish with her... she's just so wrapped up in herself.
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