Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

thorsoak · 3 June 2020 at 5:33PM

KxMx said:

It's natural you will worry and fret when DS is gone, but it'll be a lot less stress and aggravation than what you have to deal with now. Better for you all.

I believe I posted before that he won't change. So it's down to you to change the situation by asking him to leave.

I disagree - don't ask him - TELL him to leave completely. It will be better in the long run for you, for DGD and for the two tinies. It will also be better for DS to realise that the umbilical cord has been cut and the placenta has been removed!

pollyanna_26 · 3 June 2020 at 6:06PM

Tell him don't ask was the first thought that came to my mind. Asking for even a simple thing like a cup of tea when ill and thirsty never worked.

As far as I can see there hasn't been a single Ss bashers post here today. I hope you can view the posts as concern for yourself and the DGC Ss.

I'm wondering if thinking back to your struggles to get the help and support for the twins and the fact so little was offered would help focus your thoughts Ss.

You now have dgd who hopefully will be getting the help she needs soon. DGS2 seems ok but you have DGS1 on the Spectrum and needing a very structured pattern in his day to day life. DGD will need to engage and work hard with any help offered so allowing time for some rest and fun having to step in for school drop offs should not be part of her day even on a temporary basis.

By all means she needs to be responsable for keeping her room tidy, orgaining her homework and school stuff when school reopens , bringing her washing downstairs etc and doing a share of the household chores.

Needing to change plans because DS is AWOL once more is not beneficial to any of you. Children will Autism struggle with unexpected change and that little guy had enough messing around from his parents without that becoming a norm.

I honestly believe you have two choices Tell DS to go. he has lacked any insight or empathy with your situation since you both lived in the cottage and he would fail to come home, concentrate only on his wants and needs and as now do his own thing.

All the I love you mums are meaningless as he manipulates you yet again.

The other choice is to give up trying to work for now and do all the school runs etc yourself .

It's possible you could carry on provided you can put the structure in place to ensure someone else is doing school runs etc while you work or do other things like shop visit your mum or have a break and chill for a while.

pollyx

Savvy_sewing · 3 June 2020 at 7:04PM

I would like to be able to stop working but I cannot afford to.
I don't want to be unemployed and back on total benefits.
I am talking with DS today.
He is very subdued.
When childcare is back to normal it won't be a problem. It is the fact that Dgs1 is only in school 3 hours a day.
leaving me 2 1/2 hours maximum to work.
I am going to refuse more work coming in until I am up to date.
I am also going to contact those whose work is here and discuss whether to give the work to someone else or if they are happy for a longer turn around.
I wish I was not so tired in the evening or ideally I could work for a few hours in the evening. But I am just too tired to.

beanielou · 3 June 2020 at 7:05PM

Could you not cut back on work for a bit & claim HB & CTB even in the short term?
I think you need to give yourself a break.

thorsoak · 3 June 2020 at 7:23PM

You do have to pay attention to your own health Ss - you've brought those two little boys on so well - what happens if you carry on as you are and then become ill? As beanielou says,give yourself a litle break xxx Please don't believe any sob story from DS - he cannot help himself, and, sadly, he cannot help you. You cannot help him anymore - he needs help from professionals - concentrate on his little boys and DGD x

pollyanna_26 · 3 June 2020 at 7:26PM

Savvy_sewing said:

I would like to be able to stop working but I cannot afford to.
I don't want to be unemployed and back on total benefits.
I am talking with DS today.
He is very subdued.
When childcare is back to normal it won't be a problem. It is the fact that Dgs1 is only in school 3 hours a day.
leaving me 2 1/2 hours maximum to work.
I am going to refuse more work coming in until I am up to date.
I am also going to contact those whose work is here and discuss whether to give the work to someone else or if they are happy for a longer turn around.
I wish I was not so tired in the evening or ideally I could work for a few hours in the evening. But I am just too tired to.

I agree with beanie maybe a short period claiming HB and maybe CTB would give you a bit of leeway at the moment.

Please don't be taken in by DS being subdued. He's often acted that way and in others and it hasn't altered his behaviour.

Apart from normal tiredness in the evening you are so tired because you are carrying a great deal of responsability ,trying to meet everyones needs etc and ds is playing silly bu**ers.

I am not walking in your shoes but if I were I'd put the camper van up for sale and get as much of the money you paid back as possible. During lockdown the idea of owning one became very popular and continues to be, Being able to get away with a roof over your head has always been popular. There are lots of enthusiasts who'd enjoy bringing it up to scratch as much as owning it..

Year in and year out it's been DS and his doing his own thing regardless of anyone else.

Tell him you've reclaimed your indoor space , will be selling the Camper and there's no room at the inn.

He'll survive but if he stays the impact on the GC will not be positive and you have to put them first.

They have their birth mums but in reality you are being mum now and they are your priority.

pollyx

dangers · 3 June 2020 at 7:51PM

I don’t often post but I read every day and I admire what you are doing SS.

One quick question though - if dgs1 has a 1-1, has he been granted funding for the whole school day? If so, then I believe that school should be providing it, even if his allocated support isn’t able to be the one supporting him.

badmemory · 3 June 2020 at 8:40PM

Please claim any benefits you are entitled to, no-one will thank you if you don't. It will give you the opportunity to ease up & give your hand a chance.

hb2 · 4 June 2020 at 2:41AM

badmemory said:

Please claim any benefits you are entitled to, no-one will thank you if you don't. It will give you the opportunity to ease up & give your hand a chance.

I completely agree - especially at the moment when the poorly hand is seriously limiting the ability to do paid work. Savvy, you won't be of any use to the children if you become ill and unable to look after them

Savvy_sewing · 4 June 2020 at 6:31AM

All good points.
DS is aware of the fact that I have told him that I can do it better without him. I have told him that I am likely to be selling the van, especially if I find him smoking in it again.
He turned up at 5pm to collect Dgs2 at 5.30 and dished up the dinner I had bunged in the oven earlier. He gave them baths and put them to bed and then went back to the GFs as he was using her car. So he has not been using the van for about a week now. So yes he appears to have somewhere to rest his head. Even though the GFs children are there. Before he only stayed when they were at their dads. So I am hoping that the transition to living together is going to happen organically rather than me having to make him go. I know that thought will not get most of your seals of approval but it would be gentler on the situation and at the moment I just don't want any scenes.

Biggest is coming over today, and I will get her to help prepare what work is here. I will look at what is needed and then plan to work part time.

I will update my accounts. I know what my current expenses are. Then I will see what I am entitled to at the moment. I know being self employed I have to produce my accounts.
I am still waiting for Social Services to return my Tax Credit paperwork that they wanted to review my Guardian funding for DGd. I will also need those for any Housing claim.
Re Dgs1-1.
it is only funded until 1pm usually.
the woman stays with him through Lunch as he gets unsettled in the big hall, or queuing for food. So she goes after lunch.
apparently this is the time when they do the most academic work and then the afternoon is more play style work.
Next week he should be able to stay until 1pm but they think that his attention span to 2.45 is not good enough and he disrupts the rest of the class so he has to come back home.
I just need to sort breakfast. Be back later.

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Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

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