Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism



  • edited 3 June 2020 at 6:08PM
    pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    edited 3 June 2020 at 6:08PM
    Tell him don't ask was the first thought that came to my mind. Asking for even a simple thing like a cup of tea when ill and thirsty never worked.
    As far as I can see there hasn't been a single Ss bashers post here today. I hope you can view the posts as concern for yourself and the DGC Ss.
    I'm wondering if thinking back to your struggles to get the help and support for the twins and the fact so little was offered would help focus your thoughts Ss.
    You now have dgd who hopefully will be getting the help she needs soon. DGS2 seems ok but you have DGS1 on the Spectrum and needing a very structured pattern in his day to day life. DGD will need to engage and work hard with any help offered so allowing time for some rest and fun having to step in for school drop offs should not be part of her day even on a temporary basis.
    By all means she needs to be responsable for keeping her room tidy, orgaining her homework and school stuff when school reopens , bringing her washing downstairs etc and doing a share of the household chores.
    Needing to change plans because DS is AWOL once more is not beneficial to any of you. Children will Autism struggle with unexpected change and that little guy had enough messing around from his parents without that becoming a norm.
    I honestly believe you have two choices Tell DS to go. he has lacked any insight or empathy with your situation since you both lived in the cottage and he would fail to come home, concentrate only on his wants and needs and as now do his own thing.
    All the I love you mums are meaningless as he manipulates you yet again.
    The other choice is to give up trying to work for now and do all the school runs etc yourself .
    It's possible you could carry on provided you can put the structure in place to ensure someone else is doing school runs etc while you work or do other things like shop visit your mum or have a break and chill for a while.
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.

    There but for fortune go you and I.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    You do have to pay attention to your own health Ss - you've brought those two little boys on so well - what happens if you carry on as you are and then become ill?   As beanielou says,give yourself a litle break xxx   Please don't believe any sob story from DS - he cannot help himself, and, sadly, he cannot help you.  You cannot help him anymore - he needs help from professionals - concentrate on his little boys and DGD x

  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    I would like to be able to stop working but I cannot afford to.
     I don't want to be unemployed and back on total benefits.
     I am talking with DS today.
    He is very subdued.
     When childcare is back to normal it won't be a problem. It is the fact that Dgs1 is only in school 3 hours a day.
    leaving me 2 1/2 hours maximum to work.
     I am going to refuse more work coming in until I am up to date.
     I am also going to contact those whose work is here and discuss whether to give the work to someone else or if they are happy for a longer turn around.
     I wish I was not so tired in the evening or ideally I could work for a few hours in the evening. But I am just too tired to.

    I agree with beanie maybe a short period claiming HB and maybe CTB would give you a bit of leeway at the moment.
    Please don't be taken in by DS being subdued. He's often acted that way and in others and it hasn't altered his behaviour.
    Apart from normal tiredness in the evening you are so tired because you are carrying a great deal of responsability ,trying to meet everyones needs etc and ds is playing silly bu**ers.
    I am not walking in your shoes but if I were I'd put the camper van up for sale and get as much of the money you paid back as possible. During lockdown the idea of owning one became very popular and continues to be, Being able to get away with a roof over your head has always been popular. There are lots of enthusiasts who'd enjoy bringing it up to scratch as much as owning it..
    Year in and year out it's been DS and his doing his own thing regardless of anyone else.
    Tell him you've reclaimed your indoor space , will be selling the Camper and there's no room at the inn.
    He'll survive but if he stays the impact on the GC will not be positive and you have to put them first.
    They have their birth mums but in reality you are being mum now and they are your priority.

    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.

    There but for fortune go you and I.
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