Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism



  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    Ss I'm not sure on all the legalities. I imagine if you opposed his leaving against the wishes of SS it will take everything back to square one again.

    Now he has been told I'd imagine you should be contacted too. If you think backto when you were thinking through taking on the care of the little ones, you had plans and solutions. A nanny or approved childcare when needed. I'm not sure if gs1 is full or part time in pre school. gs2 is I assume going to be part time at least until settled.

    You did take into account it would be you with some respite. If you are going to work there are solutions. It's obvious something needs to change at home and maybe the best chance to ever solve the issues with ds is for him to have to do his own sorting out rather than rely on you. I find his lack of respect for you upsetting and deeply unfair. As others have mentioned he should be a role model for his boys instead he upsets granny instead of working with you to care for them

    Hopefully you'll hear for yourself the full terms of any decisions and know for sure how things stand asap. His solicitor is working on his behalf so natural ds has been given info on his involvment.

    £90 worth of work is a good result.

    Back to counting sheep

    Thankyou Polly.
    I was in a tailspin last night.
    But I have been awake with the children since 5.30 and I have been writing my diary profusely.
    Three hours of writing and I have found my positive energy again.
    I have analysed the facts.
    I have thought it through.
    I have an action plan for myself.
    I have an appointment with my Solicitor on Tuesday, and I will ask if they know what the terms of DS's contact is proposing so I can work out whether I am able to still help Biggest on a Wednesday or not.
    Dgs1 is in school full time.
    Dgs2 is 3 days a week at the moment.
    My sewing can be reduced to two days a week, and that still gives me one day to do my Mum, do the food shopping without children in tow.
    I will have my sitting room back, and can still study etc in the evenings, either at the table or in my cosy corner.
    I can prep sewing work while infront of the tv in the evenings if I need to. I can pass work on to other Seamstress's if I need to.
    I will eventually find a reliable babysitter if I want to go out and about.
    The boys other family have a few hours on a Saturday , so I can have some one to one time with Dgd still, go to the cinema still etc.
    We can still have holidays in the caravan parks etc and I cannot see why DS couldn't come on those occasions.
    I am already the one who does the mornings, and most evenings with the children, and if my sewing is part time I will not have to rely on DS to keep an eye on them during the day.

    It's fine.
    I can do this. We have the ability to add dgs2 to the waiting list for extra time, if I do expand my sewing later on, and I already have them booked into the school holiday club two days a week, so I can still work through the holidays.

    As said it is time for DS to start being responsible for himself.
    At least if he is not living here my electric will reduce, the Xbox won't be on. I will have one less mouth to feed.

    But it will still worry me until I know how he is going to live, and where. I cannot afford to guarantee his rent, or find him a deposit , he is going to have to find out from the council what is available.

    At least reading the paperwork I know that the Mum is not contesting the placement and has finally recognised that I am doing my best for the children.
    I will continue to work with her family, and be open to socials contact plans, etc
    As long as the children are responsive and happy to go.

    Right, crisis over. Plans sorted.
    Time to get on with the mundane things like washing the school uniforms etc.
    Finding today's clothes for their visit, and dealing with the day.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • hb2hb2 Forumite
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    Ss, that was something of a bolt from the blue, wasn't it?! It would have been nice if someone had passed this on to you, especially as it seems that DS has known for a while.

    I'm glad that you have been able to get your head round the situation and feel more positive having plans in place. I know you were hoping that DS would gradually take on more of the childcare but there was no sign of that happening and maybe this will end up working for the best in the long run.
    It's not difficult!
    'Wander' - to walk or move in a leisurely manner.
    'Wonder' - to feel curious.
  • KxMxKxMx Forumite
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    I'm really pleased SS that you're beginning to drill down into your core prioritise instead of trying to be everything to everyone :)
  • dreamingdreaming Forumite
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    What a shock for you - especially to find out the way you did. It might help to explain DS's behaviour over the last few weeks if he knew what was coming but was keeping it to himself. It really is time for him though to have to cope on his own but I know as his mum you will still worry about him. However, although it will be very difficult for you without him there to help out sometimes it could also benefit your little family in the sense that you will be able to get the boys into better routines of when to go to bed/get up/eat etc. If DS is sitting there on his X-box for much of the time then it would be difficult to put limits of the younger ones' screen time (including DGD). However you must also do what you can to get some free time for yourself and frankly I think the time has come to say you can't babysit eldest's every week. Badger SS for any help there is, whether that is in terms of extra nursery provision for DGS2 or extra funding for you to pay for help. I know how dire the SS is but they do seem to be improving in some areas.
    My heart goes out to you as I know how hard it is to be a mum who just wants the best for her child just to see them repeat the same mistakes over and over. However there comes a time when you accept that they are adults who have the right to make their own decisions - no matter how wrong we believe those decisions to be - and that whilst we will always love them, we can't keep picking up the pieces.
  • edited 18 January 2020 at 4:57PM
    pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    edited 18 January 2020 at 4:57PM
    Ss I'm glad you've managed to clear your head and focus on the way ahead. I was having a sleepless night and came online to try and get myself in sleep mode. Reading your post I recalled all your original plans for how you would cope if things didn't work out with ds.

    I did wonder if I would upset you even more by pointing out the brutal truth but know you have the ability to assess situations and find a better way ahead. Of course you will worry about your son but you have given him more than enough help and support. It's been as though you've been caring for four rather than three children at times which was never the plan.

    He and the ex had two social housing homes which nowadays is like gold and failed to maintain either to a reasonable standard. I was so angry that once more you were the one knocking yourself out to clear, clean and sort them when they lost the tenancies. You've gone above and beyond to help him and he needs to either learn the lesson from the situation he's now in or carry on with avoiding the tough stuff.

    Now you can see a plan for the way ahead please stay firm. Stop bailing him out . Focus on dgd ,the two little ones and yourself and bring some calm back to daily life for you all. Reclaim your home, simple things like seeing your electricity and other costs reduced are important for peace of mind. Things should calm down which is better for you all. However you try a bad atmosphere impacts everyone in the house.

    Time with your mum is precious as is seeing your friends and having some me time, I know you feel you should help Biggest with the childcare but I am one of those who feel it's time for her to find alternative childcare. She and her husband both work so she should be able to fund some help either financially or in kind. Any time you spend with her would then be a pleasure rather than a have to.

    I know you will be feeling upset about ds but he needs to find his way through the days to come and learn to stand on his own two feet difficult as it is.

    Take care
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.

    There but for fortune go you and I.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    This must have been a shock to you - but in all probability, DS knew about it but didn't/couldn't face the fact.

    You know in your heart that once DS is out of the house, you will be able to organise things better - his help has not been that brilliant, has it - and the uncertainty cannot help.

    Face facts, SS love - he is a grown man, he is healthy even if his mental health gives you cause for concern, he is working. He will not be given any help in find accommodation - why should he, when others who have as great if not greater problems than his are left on their own? He is a survivor - he will survive.

    You need to concentrate upon your own health, and that of the children - and I will lay odds that the terrible two will settle down once they know that what Granny says goes. And you will feel better when you know that you have to sort everything out yourself. Uncertainty is terribly debilitating. xxxx
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    100% agree with Thorsoak. There are positives to the situation Ss you will be able to make your plans and focus on a stable situation wherever possible without wondering if there will be any let downs or change of plans by ds.

    To my mind the biggest relief is the fact that their mum is not contesting the decision. That removes a great deal of stress from the process and should make things less worrying for you.

    Hopefully once you know how things stand after your Tuesday appointments you'll be able to focus on the way forward with more clarity. If school can step up to sort dgds situation it will help a great deal so fingers crossed they will get to the bottom of things and take steps to deal with any bullying or other problems.

    polly x
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.

    There but for fortune go you and I.
  • I hope this is a wake up call for your son can he live with his girlfriend? I sometimes when i read what you write struggle to see that he has ever wanted to make things better and at some point take back the boys and become a full time parent to them at the moment he just doesn't seem to want to put the effort in to make the changes that would facilitate the return of the boys . Hopefully you having complete care of the boys will bring more stability to their lives and their behaviour/sleep pattern will become more stable thus enabling you to have more you time and the time you spend with all the family more enjoyable x
    Keeping both feet on solid ground
  • edited 19 January 2020 at 7:58AM
    NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    edited 19 January 2020 at 7:58AM
    Takes a deep breath

    First up. Sorry but the person who should have told you about this development is your son

    Secondly. Please don't just say you can do this because you feel you should. Before finally agreeing anything you have to make sure that you have the proper structure in place - that includes finance - physical and psychological support - and respite.

    I am not one to talk but - in all honesty - you seem to stumble from crisis to crisis. As we've said before on here you need a set routine and others have to recognise that this is non negotiable. You won't be able to function properly without it

    I don't like writing like this as I have a huge admiration for all that you do. However, you are now approaching a major turning point.. Going forward you
    have to be comfortable with all that is around you to ensure a positive outcome for you and the three children

    As ever I wish you very well
  • beanieloubeanielou Forumite
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    I hate to to be blunt but I so so hope that DS & GF are using contraception.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    MFW. Finally mortgage free February 2021****
    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
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