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feel like i cannot live

edited 18 July 2019 at 1:57PM in Credit Cards
26 replies 6K views


  • eco_warrioreco_warrior Forumite
    563 posts
    Fair comment; telling someone to work 'harder' does imply they aren't doing so at the moment. However, in defence of the post that mentioned working, it said to 'work more'. To me that is not judgmental but, if you feel trapped by your circumstances, I guess you could take it the wrong way.

    I’m sure no offence was meant. My observation of this forum is that some posters are very to the point and it can come across a bit harsh at times.
  • DandytfDandytf Forumite
    2.9K posts
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper

    Did you ever considering asking if you could opt out of auto increased payments.
    I've had some limited success, might be worth a call.
    sc dmp 2012 13k Dec 2019 11140 paid 80% approx.-Next Update Early Jan 2021
    Mid 2018 Help2save 50 uk pounds per month-New Rules 2020
    Mid 2019/20-Virgin Money e-saver reward 18 -T.b.c.-Closed reverting to e-saver 14.
  • fuzzythingfuzzything Forumite
    68 posts
    Seventh Anniversary 10 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Wow. I honestly never knew the judgemental comments sometimes made on the forum were not intentional. This thread was full of them, from my own perspective, at least. If you care to learn how you may be coming across to sensitive people such as myself let me expand
    The CC companies are correct in asking for higher payments
    I interpret this as you telling OP they are wrong. They are wrong to ask to pay less. They are stupid for wanting to pay less.

    An alternative comment would be to help the OP look at alternatives to paying so much.

    Could they consider bankruptcy or get an advocate to help negotiate reduced interest on debts and reduced repayments. A link to a service that can help Of course, I'm not the only poster on the thread to suggest this. Its easy to feel like you’re drowning and can't find a solution when you’re in the middle of it all. It's ok and really good to ask for help.
    Work more
    I interpret this as you judging the OP is lazy, and should just get on with it; or perhaps that they were too stupid to think of working more.

    An alternative would be to give the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume they are already doing all they can work-wise. So your comment would be more like

    I'm going to assume you are already doing all you can work wise.
    Right, so it was a minimum payment increase, not a credit limit increase.
    You didn't say that, so it wasn't clear.
    I interpret this as you being affronted that the OP said something you misinterpreted, and you're telling them off for not being clear. Labelling the OP as wrong.

    The alternative is to simply move on, say nothing, be constructive and help the OP.
    If you thought the £100 was an issue you should have made contact with them and informed them that, not just left it.
    Nothing gets my goat more than comments about what someone should have done. I interpret this as you telling the OP they are Wrong Wrong Wrong, that their brain just doesn't work and there is no hope for them. If that is not marking yourself as superior to the OP in that comment I don't know what is!

    The Alternative is to empathise with how painful receiving such a letter is, 'I can't imagine how painful it is to get a letter like that'.

    In pratical terms on how to get things sorted. Give helpful links. Did I mention
    you need to speak to a debt charity like StepChange
    Tosh and Twaddle! It's no use telling someone going through emotional pain what they need to do. Suggest. Don't Instruct. I interpret your wording to mean you will think they are stupid if they don't do what you are telling them to do.
    Why aren't you talking to your creditors and explaining your issues?
    If you don't know why, I hope you never have to find out.

    I interpret the comment as you telling them off, and that you can't imagine a good reason for someone not to be doing this, only stupid lazy ones.

    Alternative: If you are finding it too difficult to explain things to your creditors you can get an advocate.
    They won't bite your head off.
    I interpret this as you saying you just need to conquer your fear, that it won't hurt the OP to contact them. You are judging them as not knowing themselves and their current capabilities, and that they just need to be told, because they are too stupid to see it themselves.

    Alternative is to assume they may need help from an advocate to sort this out.
    What about your husband? You're in this together - is he helping you at all?
    I interpret this as you judging it's the OPs husbands role is to financially bail them out of the difficulty.

    Alternative would be to say 'Are you comfortable asking family for help?'
    You either need help, or you don't - so which is it?
    I interpret this as you judging the OP's request for help to be dubious.

    Alternative would be to say ... 'Sorry, I really didn't mean to come across blunt in my response'.
    if you are already struggling mentally and sensitive to the way in which people respond to you then perhaps an internet forum is not the right place for you to seek help.
    Alas true. But I would say it's the insensitivity in the forum posts that's wrong, not the sensitivity of the person.

    I'm glad to have helped you make less judgmental remarks :T
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    0 posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    You interpret a lot it seems.

    However a dose of truth and reality is what is required here
  • fuzzythingfuzzything Forumite
    68 posts
    Seventh Anniversary 10 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Only if it helps, surely?
  • Terry_TowellingTerry_Towelling Forumite
    2.3K posts
    1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Interesting hypocrisy being judged as 'judgemental' - but I do take your point Fuzzything - and you are right that we could all temper our wording sometimes, but, in the end, we're just 'getting on with it'.

    To be clear, I never had any intention to judge and if you read my entire post you will have seen some practical suggestions too. I also don't believe that you interpreted anything as you are stating; I suspect you have thought long and hard about ways in which you could empathise with the OP (which is a good thing, of course) and then thought even harder about the negative connotations you could then spin into our words.

    However you choose to spin things, your interpretation of my words in particular is personal to you (and that's fine) but I have to assure you that it does not reflect my intentions when writing them.

    We are not psychologists or diplomats (well, some of us might be) we are just people making suggestions. One could interpret some of your suggested language as borderline patronising and condescending but I know you wouldn't have written it with any such intent, so I know not to impose that interpretation upon it.

    The 'tone', 'intent' or 'inflection' used by posters is notoriously difficult to interpret. If we have to carry out an in-depth analysis of our wording to cater for those who choose to read what they think is between the lines rather than what is actually on them, we're going to suffer complete paralysis.

    To show you how it works, I've interpreted your latest post
    only if it helps, surely?
    as meaning we should tell lies if the truth is too difficult to handle. You never meant that, of course, but please accept that we all do what we can in the way we can.

    Lastly, I thank you for pointing out the need to be more sensitive and will do my best in the future - please do not interpret that as sarcasm.:)
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