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Barking mad relatives!

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  • edited 8 May 2019 at 7:41AM
    -taff-taff Forumite
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    edited 8 May 2019 at 7:41AM
    You don't need to be harsh.
    A simple,polite and above all short, e-mail will do it.


    "Sorry, we can't help her at the moment, if that changes we will be in touch."
    when the inevitable why not e-mail comes,

    "We're not in a position to help sorry"
    and continue with variations on the same theme till they get the message. You don't need to explain, and the sorry is only there for politeness sake
  • SilvertabbySilvertabby Forumite
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    -taff wrote: »
    You don't need to be harsh.
    A simple,polite and above all short, e-mail will do it.


    "Sorry, we can't help her at the moment, if that changes we will be in touch."
    when the inevitable why not e-mail comes,

    "We're not in a position to help sorry"
    and continue with variations on the same theme till they get the message. You don't need to explain, and the sorry is only there for politeness sake


    The second one only. Saying 'not at the moment' implies that you may be able to accommodate wee lass at some point in the future, so you'd be leaving yourself open to regular 'is now ok?' enquiries. By which time it could even be wee lass plus 2 babies !
  • supermezzosupermezzo Forumite
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    Please don't delay sending a short and firm 'no'. The longer the delay, the more it will be interpreted as compliance - after all, you haven't actually said 'no', have you, not in their minds.

    "Dear Auntie and wee lass,
    Thanks for your email dated xxxxx.
    We won't be helping with wee lasses plans, but wish her all the best for the future plans".


    Note the use of 'won't' and not 'can't' - won't shows that you've considered it and made a conscious decision NOT to help - can't suggests a problem in the way (such as a lodger) and that there might therefore still be a way to make it a possibility.



    I'm tempted to say that you should then reply to any further emails with an 'out of office' reply and give yourself a weeks peace and quiet.

    And remember, no end of sh*t via messages and emails is far preferable to an unwanted lodger and more than likely, her mother not long afterwards.
    It aint over til I've done singing....
  • kerri_gtkerri_gt Forumite
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    Bite the bullet and simply put 'We're sorry but not in a personal or financial position to accommodate this proposal. We wish wee lass every success in perusing her career'
    Feb 2015 NSD Challenge 8/12
    JAN NSD 11/16


  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    Jeez!
    How hard can it be to say 'no'?
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  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    Pollycat wrote: »
    Jeez!
    How hard can it be to say 'no'?

    It depends on the family - saying 'no' is easy; coping the repercussions may not be.
  • warby68warby68 Forumite
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    There is obviously so much more to the family dynamic if you really cannot just knock this on the head.

    Whatever you write if it isn't a clear and straightforward no, the door will remain open.

    If you're trying to think of reasons to say 'can't' rather than 'won't' the only reason that they might struggle to mitigate is financial as clearly they're on the scrounge.

    'Sorry auntie but financial reasons mean we cannot even consider helping with the plan but do wish niece well'

    Not that I actually think you should make personal disclosures to these people but its pretty obvious you aren't just going to say 'no and get lost'.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    It depends on the family - saying 'no' is easy; coping the repercussions may not be.
    And that seems to be the OP's dilemma - despite having what sounds like a nightmare family and living far away.

    But procrastinating isn't going to make things any better and it isn't going to make it any easier to say 'no'.
    And from what I've read about the OP's family, it's quite likely she'll have repercussions anyway - probably from a number of directions - so she might as well send the rejection message and get it over with.
    Unless she intends to allow herself to be walked all over by her family and take this girl and baby in, she's going to have to say 'no' in some form or another.
  • calleywcalleyw Forumite
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    kerri_gt wrote: »
    Bite the bullet and simply put 'We're sorry but not in a personal or financial position to accommodate this proposal. We wish wee lass every success in perusing her career'
    Don't say sorry. It makes it look like you would if you could.

    And really the OP does not have to give any explanation. Just say can't help and that is the end of it.

    I get its hard when families are concerned and you don't want to upset people. But the Aunt seem to have no idea what the word no means and does not care who she puts out with her demands.

    I think the aunt and the young woman is very much deluded about the whole idea what she can succeed in modelling. Its a tough business, long hours and lots rejection and she has a young baby!!!! Also its not just about being pretty, its a lot about being slightly different in your looks.

    As I said before just say I can't help you out. And that is your final answer and you will no longer be discussing it any further.

    Yours

    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
  • edited 8 May 2019 at 11:07AM
    SilvertabbySilvertabby Forumite
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    edited 8 May 2019 at 11:07AM
    “ It depends on the family - saying 'no' is easy; coping the repercussions may not be.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Does remind me a little of my family. When my sister and I were given a bag of sweets each, she would cram hers down as fast as possible, whereas I would have preferred to make mine last. However, as soon as she had eaten her last sweet, she would throw a mega tantrum, because I had sweets and she didn't ('it's not fair!') My mother's way of solving this upset was by making me share my remaining sweets with my sister, thus achieving mum's aim of 'a calm and happy family with no rows or upsets'. Unfortunately, my sister grew up believing that what was hers was hers, and what was mine was also hers - because 'families share'.
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