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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Over 50s Money Saving
1.1K replies 190.6K views


  • Sammie36Sammie36 Forumite
    30 posts

    Thank you for everyones messages. I have read them and when the children are in bed tonight I will post a proper response - it's been a bit emotional here and some other problems arise that i had to try and deal with.

    Wort- your response was so detailed. Thank you so much.

    Thank you x
  • Sammie36Sammie36 Forumite
    30 posts

    My son was poorly last night so we were up for a while - think it's just a bad cold but he felt really bad.

    I have been back to the gp. She has prescribed Prozac. She asked me if I had contacted cruise and I told her about the waiting time to be put on the list and she said "oh" and she wants to see me again in a month.

    Wort - thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for your loss.

    The week John died he had a chest infection, we went to the doctors on the Monday and she gave him some antibiotics. Wednesday came and he felt better and his temperature was back to normal but come Thursday he started to have a pain on his left side and he was very uncomfortable.
    I had a bad feeling, you know when something doesn't feel right? I asked him if he wanted to go to hospital and he said he was fine.

    Come Friday morning he was no better so I made him an emergency appointment with GP. She listened to his chest and said his chest was clear and his stomach upset was probably the antibiotics and to continue to take them.

    Friday evening came and he was in a lot of pain. Again i asked him to go to hospital but he said no. This time I wasn't happy with that answer and I had a go at him about it. Anyway I sat with him and he said if he still felt the same in the morning we would go to hospital then.

    At about 1030 he fell asleep in the sofa. As he had been so uncomfortable during the day I decided to cover him up and leave him to sleep while he could.

    I Went to bed and and at 3.40 am I woke up to him shouting that he couldn't..... I went downstairs and he said he couldn't move. I told him I was calling an ambulance. He was in a lot of pain and very worried.

    I called an ambulance and once I had ended the call John asked me to help him sit up, which I did. He then said he wanted a drink so I handed him a glass of water but he was shaking so I held it to his mouth and he had a sip.

    He asked me if they were coming and I told him they were.

    Then he sat himself back on the sofa and looked at me and he said "I'm sorry". I said what John but he was no response. I looked at him and I knew.

    I screamed at him as I attempted to pull him off the sofa and I started cpr as I was sobbing. I think about 5 minutes later I saw the blue lights and I ran out of the house screaming something at the paramedic.

    He came in and because they sent a paramedic car he was on his own. He asked me if I was ok to continue while he got his kit together. I didn't stop I just carried on.

    It must have been a further 5 minutes before the other ambulance arrived. Then one of the paramedics dragged me off John and picked me the floor and they took over.

    They had wanted me to leave the room but I wanted to stay I asked them if.i was in the way and if they had needed the space I would have gone but they said it was more for me but I wanted to be there.

    They worked on him for an hour, various drugs and a cpr machine. - it's like a mechanical arm that does chest impressions. They got a faint pulse and said they were going to take him to a & e.
    I asked the paramedic what his chances were and he said you want me to be honest don't you - which I agreed with and he said he didn't think we won't have good outcome.

    I called my parents in a blind panic and asked them to come round. The paramedics took my details and knew I would follow when my parents arrived to sit with kids.

    Just as I was going to leave I got the call that he was dead.

    I was told to call the on call mortician later on and I could arrange to see him.

    Post mortem said heart failure.

    Wort - what you said about decorating makes sense but as it is, it was our lounge and as much as I want to change it i don't. Does that make sense? Even though i can't be in it at the moment, John and I did that room together and he was in it as it is.

    We lost our income also so things are not going well in that sense either so that doesn't help.

    His coats are still hanging up and his shoes are on the rack.

    My parents have been great but they think I should be trying to "move on" now, but I can't. I'm stuck.

    I just miss him so much.

    Reality has set in and we are all just feeling it I think.

    Thank you
  • sheilavwsheilavw Forumite
    1.2K posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    Sammie , I am so sad for you all. I dont have any words at the moment that will help.l can only re-terate that time helps. I just want you to know that I have been thinking of you and keep checking in to see if you have posted.
    Take care of yourself xx
  • happyandcontentedhappyandcontented Forumite
    2.6K posts
    1,000 Posts Fifth Anniversary I've been Money Tipped!
    Oh, Sammie, that sounds so traumatic. I imagine it is hard enough when someone has a longer-term illness, but to go so suddenly is very hard on those left behind, especially when you are so young.

    I am really sorry for your loss.

    As a parent of someone your almost age, I would be at a loss to know how to help ease the pain, I imagine your parents feel the same way and are just coming out with what they think will help you get through the day one step at a time. They will feel helpless, in addition to their own grief, seeing your child hurt is an awful thing to bear when you know you can't take away the pain, and seeing their grandchildren grieve too will be almost unbearable for them.

    I have no experience of this but others on here do and will try to help as you feel your way through. Take care and try to look after yourself.
  • humptydumptybitshumptydumptybits Forumite
    3K posts
    Sammie I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a friend who did CPR on her father and it was unsuccessful and she felt much the same as you, questioning if she did it right bu I was recently asked to sign a DNR for an elderly relative the doctor said it wasn't likely to be successful at her age and he wouldn't advise it, he also said an unsuccessful attempt was very traumatic for the people involved, paramedics, nurses etc so don't think you are alone in that, even the professionals struggle with it.

    Firsts are always bad and Christmas is tough, when I was a child, just a bit older than your son, my father died 4 weeks before Christmas. You can imagine my mother was in no state to prepare for Christmas, I did the shopping and we had food in but on Christmas Eve she suddenly told me to get my coat on and my brother who was the same age as your daughter was left with my gran. We went to a local shop, back when we had local shops, and she bought loads of stuff for my brother and some for me. I can still remember helping her drag it all back. She suddenly felt she couldn't leave a 7 year old without Christmas. It wasn't as bad as we expected, watching a 7 year old opening his presents was good for me let alone her. I'm just saying that because I know it is hard to imagine having any sort of pleasure at Christmas but I'd hate you to wake up on Christmas morning thinking you wished you'd done more for your little girl.

    I do think it is hard when you have young children, you can't just give up and hide away but they will keep you strong as you will do it all for them.

    I hope you will all be OK and you get lots of support. My friend needed counselling about her father's death. Maybe you could consider that?
  • wortwort Forumite
    1K posts
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Hi Sammie. How are you feeling?
    Your story touched me deeply as it resonates so much with my husband, also a John . I am surprised that your Dr's don't offer counselling, or maybe I was lucky mine did. Could you ask the receptionist ?
    I do understand you don't want to change things, it's everyone's way of dealing that is different. I got rid of clothes etc. Very soon, but that was my way of coping. Have you mentioned to the school what happened and if they can get counselling for the children?
    I too only have my part time wage 17 hours coming in. We had no life insurance, or anything that would pay the mortgage off etc. I don't qualify for any benefits . I get a reduction on council tax that's all.
    Check with the dss to see if you are entitled to anything. I did get a bereavement allowance.
    Which helps to pay funeral costs. There's also a tell all facility that let's all relevant places know of his death. Tax office etc.
    I'm due out now . So must go. Please take care and ask for help from who ever offers it.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • Sammie36Sammie36 Forumite
    30 posts
    MrAPJI - Thank you for sharing your story. Im so sorry. I must admit both stories from yourself and wort had me in tears. Knowing you felt/feel the same as i do is heart breaking isn't it and the circumstances being so similar too.

    Wort - I haven't got rid of anything. John's coats are still hanging up with ours, his shoes are on the still on the rack. His clothes are still in his drawers. My parents suggested getting rid of some of his things and I went mad. The thought of it feeling like he never existed makes me feel ill.

    I leave my change where he used to empty his out of his pockets.
    His coats still have his scent on them. I sit and smell them.

    We put the Xmas tree up (My parents made me), and I have some of the presents for the children we bought when John was here.

    Humpydumptybits- my gp gave me cruises number but they won't put me on their waiting list til 3 months after the bereavement.

    The children are doing some grief work at school. They have a memory book which whenever they feel sad they can go and get it and write a memory of their dad in it.

    It's Friday again which means in 12 hours and 40 mins It's been 11 weeks. Maybe that's why today as been so tough.

  • BucksLadyBucksLady Forumite
    567 posts
    Sammie, I think the memory books for the children are a wonderful idea and will help. A few years ago a close friend lost her husband very suddenly - it was such a terrible shock for everyone. The children were 2 and 4 and so very few memories of their daddy. Her mother-in-law made each child a book called 'My Daddy'. It was full of photo's from when Mark was a baby to the last few weeks of his life. Each photo had a little caption explaining where he was and what was happening at the time. A really thoughtful gesture which will help the children as they grow up.

    Thinking of you all xx
  • wortwort Forumite
    1K posts
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Tuesday is John's birthday, and I know my family won't forget, they will be around. Dd2 said that my grandson is making a card for his grandad, and she'll take it to the cemetery.
    I nearly said he's upstairs , as I have his ashes in my bedroom. I take comfort from talking to him as I walk round the house, which is easier as I'm on my own most of the time.
    It's my nieces graduation on his birthday which is fitting as she is his goddaughter. She's organised a meal out in the evening, to which I'm invited. So I have a goal for the day, to be ready and smiling, when they pick me up.
    Hope all is ll with everyone.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • Sammie36Sammie36 Forumite
    30 posts
    Hi everyone.

    Hope you are all enjoying your weekend.

    I have an appointment with the CAB on Monday to try and deal with some of the fininancial issues. I'm dreading it.

    I can't switch off. I haven't slept properly since it happened but nights like this are the worst.

    I miss him so much.

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