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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Over 50s Money Saving
1.1K replies 195.4K views


  • CrystalladyCrystallady Forumite
    159 Posts
    Hi everyone, sorry I've not been back before today but have been trying to keep busy. The plumber has finished installing the new central heating and the living room,hall and dining room have had a new coat of paint ( had the painters in -my knees wouldn't let me do it myself). Mind you going to the DIY store was a trial, DH enjoyed his DIY
    and it brought back lots of memories, I got a bit teary seeing all the couple's there and me alone. Ihave taken the opportunity to get rid of some furniture and clutter which is ongoing.
    Also I have a temporary job covering for someone who is recovering from surgery so am in the office every other week for 3days. Don't know how long it will be for but at least it gets me out for now.
    It's 2 months today since he passed and I think about him all day every day when I an by myself -some days I think I am doing OK then something silly will happen like the postman, who I've known for years, yesterday asked how I was and when I said OK he said "it's OK you can say cr*p if you want I understand ,I don't mind " and I closed the door and cried because it really is cr*p. Everyday things remind me of him and I think he would have loved/hated that, he loved to sit in the summerhouse on sunny afternoons like today but I can't face sitting in there without him, please say it gets easier being alone.
    I did manage to put together a flat pack bookcase yesterday, which I have never done before, as he would have done it - he would have been proud of me I know but will never get to say it.
    I was always happy in my own company but this is so different I don't feel lonely, I feel like everything that mattered has been changed or taken away from me.
    It's my birthday in 2 weeks and I really want to give this one a miss but my son wants to do something so we shall see.
    Thank you for taking the time to read my posts.
    I am glad to see that many of you are coping now and moving on, it is comforting to know that it is possible, it's just so hard at the moment.
  • Elona_2Elona_2 Forumite
    354 Posts
    Third Anniversary 100 Posts Name Dropper

    It does get less raw and it is still early days for you but even three years later I still get moments that catch me unawares and have me in tears.

    Well done on making up the flat pack bookcase on your own and your husband would have been so proud of you especially on going back to work. I have got used to being on my own in the house and being able to watch late night tv if I fancy , please myself what to cook and when etc. but love it when dds come for a meal or stay over for a night.
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K Posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Hello Crystallady.

    You are doing so well, it is very early days and yes, your postman was right, it is crap. You are allowed to say it, at least you can say it on here, we get it.

    Well done on the bookcase, it is a little win and one of the first of many. It's all about little wins, learning to take each little step on your own again. It's good that you are managing to work a little too.

    Does it get better.....i am not sure but I think what happens, is we get better at coping. I am happy enough in my own company, but sometimes it's the not being able to share. As you say something as simple as trip to a diy shed or supermarket was much more fun when my dh and I went together. It can feel a bit poignant when I see couples together. I really do miss the simple everyday stuff.

    Well I went to college last night. Really enjoyed last nights session. I am so glad I chose to study again, the girls on my course afe lovely. As usual what started out as a full course has dwindled down to hard core of about 8 of us and they are all lovely. Of course they are all much younger than me but I like that, is nice to make younger new friends too.

    I think one of the reasons I have decided against a senior living complex is because I prefer the idea of "mixed living", ie all ages, genders, nationalities etc. I think it's too soon for me.

    I also think I needed to get out more and this course has been a step in the right direction. I shall definitely look at U3A and see what else is out there. Maybe a little part time job, or some voluntary work.

    The weather seems a bit better today. I am off to view the townhouse later and shall then pop in to the garden centre where my son works for lunch.

    Elona.....glad you feel a bit better. I hate the anniversaries too. As if we need reminding:o.

    Feeling very stiff this morning, so going to have a cup of coffee and then a nice soak in the bath to loosen up. :rotfl:
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
    0 Posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    crystallady,you are a do-er and good for you, nothing comes to us if we just sit and mope, not even a cup of tea and well done on putting the bookcase together. I often say things to me out loud, such as well done, I am proud of you, exactly what hubbie would say and why not be his mouthpiece. I say goodnight every night, statements like, I am chilly or tired or especially if I cannot find anything. I have never been unable to find things in the 3 years, I just say `help me find it please` and before I know it, my head turns to where it is. Don`t discount his energy being there to support, I believe it is still there, close by

    So LL, you are feeling the stress/house hunting/selling burn. Look after yourself ie take it easy when time allows and having a soaking bath is a good start.

    You are all do-ers, it is the only way I know about. It doesn`t stop low moments but it distracts and that helps
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K Posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Kittie.....the more I think about it, the more inclined I am to stay put for a while longer. I do not have to move. ......yet. I'm probably good for a few years.

    I have received an insulting low offer. I am not taking it personally, it's only business but I have my bottom line and I shall stick to it. It I don't reach it then I'm not my moving.

    Even if I got my asking price then to go for the townhouse I fancy we are looking at another £80k, plus expenses and renovation costs. That's a lot of money. At least £100k.

    So I have to be sure that it's really worth it......and I'm beginning to have second thoughts.

    I am going to go and view the town house and then put it all out of my mind. I will then stop looking and wait and see if I get my asking price.If not.....then I'm staying put.

    I don't need to start a business ......I just fancied it. Do I really want the hassle. I could always do it as a pocket money hobby for friends. Then I wouldn't have to go to the expense and trouble of a separate treatment room, I could just utilise what is now my study. It's worth a thought is t it.

    My business would have to be verysuccessful to be worth a £100k investment in larger premises.

    I'm going to mull it over.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
    0 Posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    all of your post LL, all of it, very understandable

    I am thinking that I need to get back to writing a mini list for the night before I wake up. At the moment my day seems to be pretty full of `work` as in jobs around the house, using up etc. I could do with programming a trip or two into my day, maybe the steam train tomorrow but somehow I cannot be bothered with road traffic etc. Perhaps I can just pencil in the word` allotment pottering` ie not work, just, well, pottering. On second thoughts, a bike ride would be better, haven`t been on one for 2 weeks, crazy
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K Posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Thanks for your input Kitty.

    It's nice to post on here. Often I'm just "thinking aloud" kicking ideas around. The feedback is invaluable. That's just one of the things we miss isn't it, bouncing ideas with our dear husbands, being able to discuss a thing to death. The knew us and understood us. Yes we can ask our friends, our children but if they are not widows, then it's hard for them at times to understand where we are coming from.

    Well I viewed the house, it's a non starter. North facing rear garden, the ground floor was incredibly dark and although there was a drive, it was only one car length, so no room for guest parking.

    So that's it for now. If I sell and I haven't found anything, then I'll rent for a few months. I am not going to panic buy.

    Kittie......I think perhaps you need to schedule in some relaxation time, make a plan because as you say it's easy to drift through the day finding jobs to do.

    The good news is we are scheduled some nice sunny weather this weekend. The roads will be heaving so I won't be driving. I shall take the bus into the city centre on Saturday to meet a friend for lunch, get a taxi back. On Sunday I am going out for dinner so my son will pick me up. On bank holiday Monday it will be carnage out there so I will stay home and enjoy my garden.

    I have had quite a nice day, after the house viewing I went to a nice little shopping centre and then this afternoon I went for a stroll round the park. So my step count is up today. I have been very lax with the walking of late. Definitely must do better.

    Saw a holiday to the Mediterranean I fancied. Seemed a fair price, rang them up and they wanted an extra £1000 for solos. I think that is outrageous.
  • CrystalladyCrystallady Forumite
    159 Posts
    Thank you all for listening to me going on, it seems very self indulgent but (I am the one who fixes things and listens to others) there's no one in RL I can talk to other than my son and he's suffering the loss too.
    Yes LL you hit the nail right on the head, it's the not being able to share the everyday things that I'm finding the hardest. I can manage on my own, I'm a practical sort of person and like Kittie I talk to him every day, but of course there's no response.
    Made some cupcakes for my elderly neighbour today as she's back home after a hospital stay. She thought the world of my husband and I was in tears talking to her about him, she's been a widow for around 40 years, never remarried and says she still gets upset from time to time.
    LL I think you are wise rethinking your move if you're not 100% sure, maybe the low offer was a sign that the time isn't right. Hope you find a holiday that doesn't rip off singles.
    It's funny you mentioned about your not sleeping well, ever since DH died I wake up at 6.30/7am and just can't get back to sleep, before I would wake around 8am after a night of undisturbed sleep. I take it this isn't unusual.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
    0 Posts
    MoneySaving Newbie
    sleeping badly is definitely not unusual, I hardly ever have a full nights sleep any more and am always awake by 6. That bliss of a deep sleep for a whole night is no more

    LL you are right about re-thinking. I get the feeling that we are searching for that elusive something that will bring purpose back into our lives. At the moment it is all about day to day living, while keeping the house in a good state of repair but tbh that really is not a life, there is no adventure in it, nothing exciting. I still hang onto the feeling that if it is meant to happen, then it will

    I forgot about it being bank holiday weekend, so I am not going anywhere in the car as I live in a tourist county. I will, however, get back on my bike later this morning and it always does me good to get my heart pumping a bit and to see swans and other wildlife. I also see a couple of hairline cracks on my lime render, so will dilute the special paint and let the render draw that in. A stitch in time, always and just something else to do
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
    13.3K Posts
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Good morning.

    Well I slept much better last night. Must be a release of all that tension and stress worrying about houses. Well no more. I have a viewer tomorrow. She can come and have a look. I really do now take the attitude if it happens, it happens. If not then I can stay here.

    If I decide to stay then I wil do a couple of extra bits and pieces - but that will be purely for my own comfort and pleasure. I will continue to declutter and reorganise but I can go at my own pace.

    Kittie. You are right, we are searching for meaning in our lives. Maybe a house move is the magic bullet, maybe it isn't. But you have definitely hit the nail on the head - I do feel that I really haven't got a life.

    When I was first widowed then just getting through the day to day was enough. I felt that each day ticked off was an accomplishment. Now that I have learned how to do that, it really isn't enough. Sounds a bit greedy perhaps but I do want more. I just don't know what "more" is.

    I know a lot of newly bereaved go from one holiday to the next. I met a lot of serial cruisers, they hardly seem to spend any time at home. However, much as I enjoyed my trips, serial holidaying is not right for me.

    Sounds a bit lame but I am going to make it my mission to get out more. I found refuge in my home, making it my sanctuary and retreating from the world but I think it now really is time to make a bit more of an effort.

    To borrow from Star Trek .......Time to "Bravely Go"
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