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Bank of mum and dad

edited 19 July 2017 at 10:25AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
46 replies 12K views
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  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    Even if you knew your parents couldn't afford to give you a loan?

    I'm talking hypothetically.
    I've been very clear that I don't need (and never have needed a loan).

    A feeling of being treated unfairly is something the OP may have to face.
    I don't know his/her children (and I guess neither do you) so we have no idea how the child who's asked for a loan will take 'no' for an answer.

    That's why I said this may have the potential to create bad feeling in the family.
  • RobisereRobisere Forumite
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    We have made loans to ds, dd, and two mature grandchildren, at various times. In each case we insisted upon a Standing Order of an agreed monthly amount, paid into our Joint account. There is just one outstanding S.O. but after talking it over together, we decided to gift the rest as a 21st birthday present: dgd has a smashing bf and they are talking about setting up home together.

    We would never lend money without asking for a repayment plan and without being absolutely certain that the borrower was finacially capable of repaying the loan. OH and I have been through tough times ourselves, OP and we know what it is like to be so broke that we actually did not know how we could keep the family fed and housed. Our kids both went through that time with us and understand that everything has to be paid for, because we told them everything at the time it was happening. Your mistake - and it's understandable - was in continuing to give when you no longer had the resources. Your family therefore does not appreciate that you have reached your financial limits. You have to get them together and make them see this.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
  • Personally I think you need to be honest, they obviously assume you have a nest egg. I would tell them all your personal situation, explaining birthdays and Christmases will be small and you can't afford to eat out let alone have a holiday. Then explain you are not able to help out but maybe they could support each other. Say you could really do with the money your other kids owe you back but you might be able to spare a bit of it ( only if you can) to help the other child out. Or if it is only to September perhaps suggest a 0% interest credit card.
    I am in my 40's but have absolutely no expectations my parents will help me out. They struggled when I was young due to recessions, they have worked hard and deserve to enjoy their own money. As a parent I think your job is financial education not a financial prop.
  • ArchergirlArchergirl Forumite
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    Quite an old post now, I wonder what happened............
  • Muscle750Muscle750 Forumite
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    Still much the same weve had to lend our daughter some more money just so they can feed the kids what are we meant to do say No ? We cant afford even to do anything this year for our wedding anniversary let alone have a few days away. Many of our friends are going far and wide on holidays this year and have asked what are we doing and where are we going must admit catch me on a bad day and i think they might regret it ................not their fault i know but its a situation that has come about and theres not alot we can do about it. People in a far worse situation in their lives. I just hope the one that owes me the most keeps to their word and starts paying
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    Muscle750 wrote: »
    Still much the same weve had to lend our daughter some more money just so they can feed the kids what are we meant to do say No ? We cant afford even to do anything this year for our wedding anniversary let alone have a few days away. Many of our friends are going far and wide on holidays this year and have asked what are we doing and where are we going must admit catch me on a bad day and i think they might regret it ................not their fault i know but its a situation that has come about and theres not alot we can do about it. People in a far worse situation in their lives. I just hope the one that owes me the most keeps to their word and starts paying
    So it was your son who asked to borrow money (to be paid back soon when his wife gets her inheritance) that started this thread but you've now had to lend to your daughter.

    What's happened to the money your son wanted to borrow?

    Do you really think your other son will start to pay you back?
    Is he aware of your financial situation?
    Has he agreed to pay a set sum every month?

    I wouldn't take it out on your friends if they ask about your holiday plans.
    It's not their fault that your children have put you in financial difficulties.
  • KxMxKxMx Forumite
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    There is something you can do - stop giving.

    I'd have refused money and suggested the kids visit you for meals. Or done an online grocery shop and had that sent to them.

    Maybe that would have incentivised their parents to sort out their finances.

    They won't do that if you keep giving.

    I'm guessing you are satisfied the reason given was true, and your money did go on food?
  • Muscle750Muscle750 Forumite
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    yes it did go on food.
  • KxMxKxMx Forumite
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    Thank you. Maybe next time a request comes in you could offer budgeting help and point them in the direction of this website, instead of giving money.

    I'd not usually advocate interference into finances of another adult, but they clearly do see you as a bank, and if they got to a point where they couldn't feed their children, something is very wrong.

    Did you lend this time with a clearly defined re payment plan?

    As long as you keep saying yes, I don't see anything improving for you.
  • RobisereRobisere Forumite
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    Reading this again has reminded me of my ex-DIL, who almost ruined the lives of our son and their two children by abuse, neglect, deceit and plain fraud. He eventually got away from her and got Parental Responsibility for the children, set up home and they have been a family for 17 years now.

    One morning, when ds was at work, the dil rang me to say he had given her no money and there was no food in the house. I drove over to their house, picked up dil and kids, gave her £100 and sat in the car with the kids (18 months & 3½) while she shopped. She came out with enough bags to warrant some of the £100, although I got no change. I dropped her off at home, left for my son's work. To my everlasting regret, I tore him off a strip, until he stopped me. He had given her £60 that morning before going to work. "She will have bought booze, chocolate, sweets, Chinese and Indian food for herself, dad! She has ripped you off, does it to me all the time!"

    I apologised and went back to their house, which is where I found her in the lounge, having locked the kids in the kitchen. (Apparently a regular ocurrence) There were empty food boxes, vodka with some already gone from the bottle, and she was stuffing chocolate into her face. It was the beginning of the end and eventually the SS were involved, kids taken away after neighbours saw her hitting them.

    Now, I do not by any means compare this with your situation, but that is how easy it is to be ripped off by those close to you.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
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