MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

Mojisola · 5 January 2015 at 9:42PM

ALI1973 wrote: »

I am a nice person, as many of my friends and family would tell you.

It's possible to be a very nice person and have anxieties that make you react somewhat over the top when a situation is out of your control.

Developing the skills for seeing situations more objectively is very useful - sometimes things can hit a sensitive spot in us and feel like a personal insult when it wasn't intended that way.

A thick skin is very helpful at times.

longforgotten · 5 January 2015 at 11:22PM

I agree 'that having a thick skin is helpful'. but it is also helpful to realise funerals and wedding will always bring family 'differences' to the surface ( got a wry smile on my face as I type, went to a wedding from hell ! ). The deal is FIL is in the position to call the shots and if anybody goes against him it will rock the boat. It's best to accept he's in charge for the day, just to have a quiet life. The day will be over soon enough, just imagine the relief when its over and you'll have that happy smile that you did the right thing.........and if it was me , I'd have a bucket of the bachs remedy to last the whole day through

, oh and try to find a place where I could have a few moments to myself ( or with hubby ) to relax. You can also get the Bachs remedy as sweets.

duchy · 6 January 2015 at 8:43AM

Ali No-one is saying you aren't a nice person -what they are saying is that you have this all out of proportion about people you haven't even seen in four years.

It's a day - get through it with good grace to make it easier for your husband -and use it to reflect on what knowing your MIL meant to you and then get on with your lives happilly without the rest of the family just like you've done for the past four years.

Make your husband's memories of saying goodbye to his mother good ones of a "good send off" - and not with the major memory been your resentment of his siblings and step father.

My uncle died when my son was only a couple of months old -the funeral was in Dublin -we lived near Gatwick. I wanted to go and was prepared to take the baby with me as it was an easy journey and I had other family I could stay with. My Mum was insistent that as it was an old school Catholic funeral that taking a baby would be inappropriate - even if I left the baby with one of my cousins for a couple of hours (They wouldn't have all gone as they weren't close big Irish family lots of cousins)
I rang my Mum at the wake to check she was ok and to find out how it had all gone - My uncle -the deceased#s brother answered the phone and the first thing he did was scold me for not coming -and said how it would have been lovely to have the baby there too !!! <wall-head-bang>

I hadn't agreed with my Mum's stance - and with hindsight realised had I rang her brother he'd have told her me coming with baby would be fine and have talked to my Mum into it but at the time although I disagreed with her I wasn't going to upset her by pushing the issue .

That said when my own Dad died unexpectedly a few months later (that was a dreadful year) I chose not to bring my son as he was that bit older and might be disruptive and the cemetery was a long journey (Crossing London south to north on the way following the hearse and M25 on the way back ugh)- However he was a great distraction at the wake - and there was a kind of "circle of life" feeling amongst the mourners as most of them were meeting him for the first time.

So even within families who actually speak to each other there will be different views about whether it's appropriate for children to attend or not -and the default is not to upset the older generation who are the ones more likely to be old school about it. So don't explode if someone asks why you didn't bring the kids !!!

mumps · 7 January 2015 at 9:56AM

ALI1973 wrote: »

Sorry, just to clarify. The nearest hotel is 45 mins away (travel lodge), I would never have expected them to put us up every weekend, but although we have previously, accommodated them and their families the offer was never even muted as an option, despite eldest SIL having a 5 bed house and all children left home, but as I say, we didn't expect it - more part of the reasoning for why DH went solo.

I can see why your husband would visit alone for most visits, but 4 years? Not once in 4 years did you think it would be nice to go and let children see granddad or aunties? For you to pop in and see mother in law for half an hour? I'm sorry but look at it from their point of view you and your children have had no involvement for 4 years and suddenly it is so important for you to be involved. It might not have been meant like that, you might not have thought of it like that but if father in law and sisters in law were local and facing this horrible situation day in day out can you see how it might seem to them? When father in law was agreeing about the children not visiting he probably didn't realise they would not been seen again for years.

Sorry if I have got it wrong but I am just trying to see it from their point of view.

I just wondered if there is any reason your 14 year old can't look after 9 year old, if you are due back at 8 or 9 pm it wouldn't be leaving them alone overnight or anything. I am assuming they are at school in the day so max of 4 or 5 hours.

ALI1973 · 7 January 2015 at 8:16PM

mumps wrote: »

I can see why your husband would visit alone for most visits, but 4 years? Not once in 4 years did you think it would be nice to go and let children see granddad or aunties? For you to pop in and see mother in law for half an hour? I'm sorry but look at it from their point of view you and your children have had no involvement for 4 years and suddenly it is so important for you to be involved. It might not have been meant like that, you might not have thought of it like that but if father in law and sisters in law were local and facing this horrible situation day in day out can you see how it might seem to them? When father in law was agreeing about the children not visiting he probably didn't realise they would not been seen again for years.

Sorry if I have got it wrong but I am just trying to see it from their point of view.

I just wondered if there is any reason your 14 year old can't look after 9 year old, if you are due back at 8 or 9 pm it wouldn't be leaving them alone overnight or anything. I am assuming they are at school in the day so max of 4 or 5 hours.

When we were organising visits we had attempted to organise visits to siblings, they were usually going to be unavailable, or have things already planned which would have meant that the visits would only be for an hour etc. FIL had already said that he felt the children's visits were distressing to MIL and was in agreement when we said we would stop bringing them. So a 4 hour drive (if traffic good) for a possible hour visit was just not going to happen. It wasn't for want of trying. That's why we have tried to maintain phone contact.

I wouldn't leave the children home alone when we are not close by, and certainly not for over 5hrs. They are responsible, but if something did happen, it would be unforgivable.

mumps · 7 January 2015 at 10:50PM

ALI1973 wrote: »

When we were organising visits we had attempted to organise visits to siblings, they were usually going to be unavailable, or have things already planned which would have meant that the visits would only be for an hour etc. FIL had already said that he felt the children's visits were distressing to MIL and was in agreement when we said we would stop bringing them. So a 4 hour drive (if traffic good) for a possible hour visit was just not going to happen. It wasn't for want of trying. That's why we have tried to maintain phone contact.

I wouldn't leave the children home alone when we are not close by, and certainly not for over 5hrs. They are responsible, but if something did happen, it would be unforgivable.

Well I guess you know your children best. At 14 lots of kids get paid for babysitting.

Mojisola · 7 January 2015 at 10:54PM

mumps wrote: »

Well I guess you know your children best. At 14 lots of kids get paid for babysitting.

I wouldn't leave a 9 year old alone at home for that length of time, even if two slightly older siblings were also there.

Savvy_Sue · 8 January 2015 at 12:32AM

For me it would depend on the children: some would be fine, not all would.

seven-day-weekend · 8 January 2015 at 4:46AM

I personally would not have left them in charge of a fourteen year old for that time.

mumps · 8 January 2015 at 4:10PM

I would have trusted any of my children at 14, they could all cook and knew what to do if there was a problem. As SavvySue says it depends on the children.

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