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MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

edited 7 January 2015 at 8:33PM in Deaths, Funerals & Probate
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  • Old_GitOld_Git Forumite
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    do the children want to go
    "Do not regret growing older, it's a privilege denied to many"
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    My much loved MIL passed away last week after years of suffering. They live 4 hrs away. I have 3 children, 14, 13 and 9.

    Due to the circumstances of her illness, they have not seen her for 4 years

    The children will probably handle not being at the funeral of someone they haven't seen for four years very well if you don't pass on your feelings to them.

    If you can get over the perceived insult and simply tell them that Grandad only wants adults to go the the funeral, they will accept that.

    Plan to have a little 'goodbye' ceremony at home - perhaps plant something in the garden, draw pictures for Nanny and float them up tied to a balloon, or whatever suits them.

    As far as the funeral and wake goes, it sounds like one of those situations where we put on a suitable face and play the part to support our OHs, even if it's all through gritted teeth.
  • edited 7 January 2015 at 8:35PM
    ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    edited 7 January 2015 at 8:35PM
    Old_Git wrote: »
    do the children want to go

    Yes! - they wanted to say goodbye to their Gran, but they have been very grown-up and have accepted that their Granddad doesn't want them to attend. They are very upset, and we have tried to explain that Granddad isn't doing so well after Grandma's death (although, I can help but find it odd that he can cope with strangers going but not his own grandchildren.
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    Yes! - they wanted to say goodbye to their Gran, but they have been very grown-up and have accepted that their Granddad doesn't want them to attend. They are very upset, and we have tried to explain that Granddad isn't doing so well after Grandma's death (although, I can help but find it odd that he can cope with strangers going but not his own grandchildren (step but always treated him as full)?

    I can. I can imagine him being able to cope with strangers/acquaintances at the funeral but thinking he might not be able to hold his emotions in check if he sees the grandchildren upset.
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    Plan to have a little 'goodbye' ceremony at home - perhaps plant something in the garden, draw pictures for Nanny and float them up tied to a balloon, or whatever suits them*.

    As far as the funeral and wake goes, it sounds like one of those situations where we put on a suitable face and play the part to support our OHs, even if it's all through gritted teeth.

    *This is a nice idea, think we will do that.

    I know I should just suck it up, but I am finding it really hard not to feel resentful, and this worries me, in so much, that if asked why the children aren't there I am likely to launch into a tirade, which would be inappropriate.

    I guess I just don't understand why anyone would actively deny another persons right to mourn?
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    I know I should just suck it up, but I am finding it really hard not to feel resentful, and this worries me, in so much, that if asked why the children aren't there I am likely to launch into a tirade, which would be inappropriate.

    I guess I just don't understand why anyone would actively deny another persons right to mourn?

    He's not - he just asking that they don't come to the funeral.

    We've had a cluster of deaths in the family the last couple of years and found that people don't behave rationally when they are grieving and I give anyone in that situation a lot of leeway.

    He may have a good reason - worried about being able to keep a stiff upper lip or having had a horrible experience as a child himself at a funeral - or it may be a totally irrational decision.
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    I can. I can imagine him being able to cope with strangers/acquaintances at the funeral but thinking he might not be able to hold his emotions in check if he sees the grandchildren upset.

    Why would he need to keep his emotions in check? for me, the funeral is the beginning of the grieving process and I would have thought that everyone accepts that there are tears going to be flowing?
  • PasturesNewPasturesNew Forumite
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    Could the kids be shipped off to their other grandparents for a visit, including overnight? Leaving you and your OH to attend without pressures of returning - and without leaving first/early from the wake?

    You're turning into a bit of an "all about me" person otherwise. Funeralzilla style.
  • themull1themull1 Forumite
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    You don't have to be at a funeral to mourn the loss of someone. Stay at home with the kids, Your OH can explain to his relatives that his dad didnt want the stepkids? there, he's an adult, i'm sure he'll manage. There's nothing stopping you going to the crematorium at a later date as a family?
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    Why would he need to keep his emotions in check? for me, the funeral is the beginning of the grieving process and I would have thought that everyone accepts that there are tears going to be flowing?

    Everyone grieves differently and he may not want other people to see him crying.
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