Separated, how much should I provide?

edited 31 August 2016 at 11:26AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
3.3K replies 590.5K views
12357331

Replies

  • nlj1520nlj1520 Forumite
    619 Posts
    When me ex and I seperated we worked out the financial arrangements without a lawyer and then got seperate legal advice to review what we had agreed. My solicitor wanted me to go for much more than I had agreed with my ex, but I felt that this would cause rows and upheaval that would affect my (disabled) son and possibly alienate my ex from his son. Also I wanted to be independant of my ex and make my own way in the world.
    This was some years ago, but my solicitor advised that the court would be sympathetic to maintenace that covered me re-training (for 3 years or so), holidays of the sort we were used to, bills etc, all my son's bills and some 'pocket money'. I actually wanted my son's bills until he went into residential education, bills and nothing more. We split the capital in the house and any savings and penion rights 50:50. On the finances we managed to stay fairly amicable. As soon as my son went into residential placement I went back to work and apart from a small contribution (less than 15% of his income) he pays nothing to us. And that's how I want it.
    It was relativley easy for me to return to work because of my profession and it sounds as though that won't be the case of the OP's wife.
    My input would be to reach agreement together on what you think is fair financially and then get seperate lawyers to review it. Legal bills can become HUGE in disputed divorces and that is just going to cut the capital/income available for 2 households to run.
    Good luck with it all and try not to let it turn nasty.
    'Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.' T S Eliot
  • edited 19 April 2013 at 7:31AM
    duchyduchy Forumite
    19.5K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited 19 April 2013 at 7:31AM
    It's a good question -I was just wondering myself why his posts were irritating me so much (anger is too strong a word for a forum poster).

    I think its his assumption that what he wants is what he gets...... eg HE decides how much to contribute , HE chose to leave, HE told his wife he'd continue to support the family at the same level and has now changed his mind..... That's the impression I'm getting -and it seems a shoddy way to treat a family of (presumably) at least twenty years. Not once has he said he's asked his wife (or children) for their input. As I said it might be he's not trying to give too much away emotionally but it all comes from one direction, No mention of helping his wife with retraining costs, no mention of what will happen to their home .

    Financially he's not thought things through and as I said both he and his wife need proper advice -seperate finances and sort out obligations both in the long and the short term so everyone can get on with their lives. University sounds like it is looming and if the finances aren't sorted by then it's likely to get very messy and as emotionally detached as he sounds those kind of problems can really upset the applecart with relationships between NRPs and their almost but not quite adult children.

    It's nowdays fairly unusual for a woman to have no working skills by the time the children are of college age and I think it makes a big difference and the OP saying blithely "She needs to get a job" is a bit simple. Even qualified people are finding job seeking difficult so just setting her adrift to find a job sounds a bit over optimistic and finding a way to support her whilst she reskills may be a better way to go -be that college-or even university depending on her apptitude and desires. As said earlier a court *could* make an order for seperate maintainance for her if it is shown she was at home so not equipped for the job market -not really good for anyone in moving forward. More future planning now could pay big dividends later both financially and emotionally for all concerned.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • OrkneyStarOrkneyStar Forumite
    6.8K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭✭
    duchy wrote: »
    It's affect not effect ...perhaps if you'd not spent so much time working when you could have studied you'd know that !
    Cheap dig imho! :eek::eek::eek:
    I think the OP has explained himself well enough, he seems to be wanting to do the right thing, and get some advice and opinions. Slating his grammar really isn't productive, and won't help you win the point you seem to insist on making.
    OP, I wish you the best, you have had some good advice, so hope all pans out well. Remember also supporting your children is more than a financial thing, so be there for them too.
    :)
    :heartpuls :heartpuls :heartpuls
  • JackRSJackRS Forumite
    1.1K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭
    duchy wrote: »
    It's a good question -I was just wondering myself why his posts were irritating me so much (anger is too strong a word for a forum poster).

    I think its his assumption that what he wants is what he gets...... eg HE decides how much to contribute , HE chose to leave, HE told his wife he'd continue to support the family at the same level and has now changed his mind..... That's the impression I'm getting -and it seems a shoddy way to treat a family of (presumably) at least twenty years. Not once has he said he's asked his wife (or children) for their input. As I said it might be he's not trying to give too much away emotionally but it all comes from one direction, No mention of helping his wife with retraining costs, no mention of what will happen to their home .

    .


    I've not explained a lot on here so I understand why you make these assumptions. Rest assured there are many discussions with all involved and I fully understand the support I will give to move forward. I'm collecting information and opinions to help formulate a plan that I will create with my family. It is new for all of us, we've not been through a separation or divorce before so please forgive me for not knowing but I'm learning. My grammar and spelling is one of my many weaknesses so again I'm sorry, I hate not being so clever at English, it's something I battle with every day as an Engineer but every day a school day!

    Thanks for you thoughts and views
    Regards

    JackRS
  • KynthiaKynthia Forumite
    5.6K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭✭
    OP, my opinion is that things need to be separated and then made clear as currently it's messy and unclear for everyone. What I mean is financially separate yourself from their lifestyle. Get rid of the joint account, stop paying bills, take your name of things, etc. Then give your ex an agreed lump sum each month, which she can rely on, raise the children on and pay for all the household bills and manage how she sees fit. This should be a minimum of 20% of your take home but possibly more if you can afford it, if it's needed to maintain a certain lifestyle or if it includes maintenance for the wife who doesn't yet have the capacity to earn much due to your joint decision that she be a home maker.

    Then if you wish to pay for 'extras' for your children such as driving lessons, gifts, etc then that is your choice as a parent and deal with that separately from your wife and the monthly payment.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
  • themull1themull1 Forumite
    4.3K Posts
    ✭✭✭✭
    My ex left two years ago, i work full time term time, and when he left i got 20% of his salary every month for the kids, and tax credits. I bought him out of the house, and owe him some more money in a few years because i couldnt afford it all at once, this was all done through a solicitor. He paid me nothing towards anything else, and i didnt expect anything.

    I think the longer you keep funding your wife's lifestyle, the less urgent she will see the need to find a job, and i do think kids these days expect everything on a plate, i've worked full time since i was 16, so maybe your kids could get a part time job?
  • gizmo111gizmo111 Forumite
    2.6K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭✭
    Have a look over on www.ondivorce.co.uk
    Mama read so much about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating chocolate that she immediately gave up reading.
  • JackRSJackRS Forumite
    1.1K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭
    Well I’ve had more discussions with my wife about our situations. I asked her if she had an idea of how arrange things, she didn't so I proposed to cover all the household bills plus 20% of my income, I agreed to continue paying driving lessons for the children to £200/month and to continue giving them £50 a month pocket money. I also agreed to continue to provide her with a car that I get (I pay a monthly lease fee through work) she only has to pay fuel all insurance etc included. She’s planning to move back south near her parents in the summer when son(17) finishes school year she’s had time to consider the proposal and does not agree. I suggested she looked into finding a job and what support she can get from tax credit etc. However her response was that she is not going to look for a job or into what benefits she can claim until she moves in the summer. She wants to just carry on as normal for next 3 months. This makes it not possible for me to rent somewhere.

    So I guess it’s time to get legal advice. I’ve had a solicitor recommended but they are 200/hour is that normal? Any advice on how to find a solicitor?
    Regards

    JackRS
  • gizmo111gizmo111 Forumite
    2.6K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭✭
    JackRS wrote: »
    Well I’ve had more discussions with my wife about our situations. I asked her if she had an idea of how arrange things, she didn't so I proposed to cover all the household bills plus 20% of my income, I agreed to continue paying driving lessons for the children to £200/month and to continue giving them £50 a month pocket money. I also agreed to continue to provide her with a car that I get (I pay a monthly lease fee through work) she only has to pay fuel all insurance etc included. She’s planning to move back south near her parents in the summer when son(17) finishes school year she’s had time to consider the proposal and does not agree. I suggested she looked into finding a job and what support she can get from tax credit etc. However her response was that she is not going to look for a job or into what benefits she can claim until she moves in the summer. She wants to just carry on as normal for next 3 months. This makes it not possible for me to rent somewhere.

    So I guess it’s time to get legal advice. I’ve had a solicitor recommended but they are 200/hour is that normal? Any advice on how to find a solicitor?

    Ask around - see local ads.
    If she won't pay ball th nI suggest you take you name off utitlities and pay the mortgage and anything else that is in your name. Give her 20% of income and treat your kids as you want ie driving and pocket money.
    She'll soon look for an alternative and look into benfits she may be entitled to.
    Mama read so much about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating chocolate that she immediately gave up reading.
  • JackRSJackRS Forumite
    1.1K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭
    There is no mortgage, I suggested putting utilities in her name and to pay from her account and I transfer the money fro me to her, but she does not agree.
    Regards

    JackRS
This discussion has been closed.
Latest MSE News and Guides

Bacon flavoured toothpaste

Can you help this Forumite track some down?

Join the Forum discussion

£10 Christmas bonus

For benefits recipients

MSE News