you know when all you lovely people give advice...

in Debt Free Diaries
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  • yep very very true, i have put it down for the min as i am stuck on zelda so i have picked up my crossstiching (one of my crafts) i have sold all my other craft stuff but i have dug out all my free charts and kits that i got from magazines over the years... very relaxing and technically free as i payed for them years ago, i now have about 6 i want to do for xmas presents... just finished my mums card for tommorow (also free :shhh:)

    That reminds me... I haven't got anything for my mum yet!! :eek: :naughty:

    My brother stole (well, borrowed!) my gamecube memory card cos his zelda game was on there and he wanted to finish it at uni.... haven't seen it for months now, typical!! The craft stuff sounds good, I have lots of that sort of thing stored away too... perhaps I should sell it though as I don't really use it at all. Hmmm.... more ebaying coming up I think!!

    Kath x
    Don't stress, relax, let life roll off your backs. Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now... Avenue Q
    Official DFW Nerd Club - Member no. 003 :DProud to have become debt free... and striving to keep it that way
  • kathfisch wrote: »
    That reminds me... I haven't got anything for my mum yet!! :eek: :naughty:

    My brother stole (well, borrowed!) my gamecube memory card cos his zelda game was on there and he wanted to finish it at uni.... haven't seen it for months now, typical!! The craft stuff sounds good, I have lots of that sort of thing stored away too... perhaps I should sell it though as I don't really use it at all. Hmmm.... more ebaying coming up I think!!

    Kath x

    :rotfl: get down the shops quick :rotfl: i just have to make some wrapping paper and thats me done :)

    naughty brother, this is twightlight princess on the wii and its sooo hard :rotfl: well the ballance in my paypal acount is all my craft stuff so i did quite well :) i had drawer falls, now i have one drawer and a box, not too bad :) good luck if you put the things on ebay
  • CAFCGirlCAFCGirl Forumite
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    Rightio.

    Sorry I missed posting sooner, joys of working in retail! I'm knuckle right down to it. Sorry if its a waffler!
    I think these last few days everythings got on top of me and it doesnt help that all my family talk about is money

    I'd say in future walk away from the conversations hun. If you cant hear them moan about it, you cant be made to feel guilty or feel expected to pay up! :rotfl:
    it doesnt help that i work with people that are only 1/2 years older than me and already have a house and most drive and i am still stuck at home and wont 'go out' and they look down on me...

    Right if you work with them they must be on near similar wages/slight higher maybe, so by that logic chances are they cant afford their own homes, or they've got a rich bf/gf/parents who pay their way, and they're probably up to their neck in debt and haven't got the foggiest about money management, and controlling their spending

    And I can tell you right now, they do not look down on you, you embarass them! )And not because of you!whoops!:o ) I mean because you are living, supporting, loving, caring, and carrying at least three people through life on a low wage, and they have not got the faintest idea how they would ever manage to do what you do. You continually put yourself last through the love of your family, and obviously do whatever you can, with no consideration as to your own personal gratification. They are embarassed because they know within themselves they would never have the strength, nerve, ability or compassion to do anything for anyone except themselves!
    Don't let your workmates look down on you - they should respect you for not going out and making your situation worse.
    Right on sista!
    yep i am used through my family, they know they do it and i take it, sadly i cant do anything about it,

    I feel another challenge coming on!
    You can do something about it, you can more than one thing in actuality. You can do tough love among other options.

    First things first you have to ackowledge that you do not need to do anything for anyone else! You have repaid any debt to them ten fold.
    You were not, and are not your fathers keeper. Whatever he did, he chose to do. Don't ever feel you are responsible or to blame for other peoples choices in life!

    Next up!
    Job situation, whereabouts (rough area) are you in the south west. I may have a little something (job wise) you could be interested in, depending on where you are. Another thing................ if you want to gain some additional job experience, you can always come and do some work experience with me! I manage a shop (admittedly I'm not exactly local) but we could maybe work on some skills, and you can always stay with me :) even if it were just for a couple of days.

    And then I have this to say..........
    Your mum wont let you put a block on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :eek:

    You are currently paying for THAT phone! Including HER debt, HER usage!
    (sorry I dont mean to get mean, we all loves our Mums but :mad: )
    If that phone is in your name, you have control over it. It is yours! Do not be told what you can and cant do if you're the one paying for it! If its in your name, put a block on it yourself, dont tell your mum and when she asks why it doesnt work, just tell her BT have blocked it until we pay back what we owe them!
    Because admittedly BT could do this at any time, dependant on what the credit limit is on your account.
    Another point regarding your brother........... he's only got a p/t job? Whats that got to do with you paying for his driving license? I don't mean that to sound cruel but, you cant afford to pay for his license anyway. And if he cant afford a license, then really he shouldnt be having lessons etc. Plus a p/t job still equals some money coming in! i have spoken to huim about this but sadly he wont listen, he is like my father and i hate to be on the wrong end of him i think its one of those things i will have to do...

    Well sadly he's gonna have to listen quite frankly, you dont have to pay for anything, he's got a job, he can pay. If he cant afford a license he cant afford to drive, simple as.
    The only thing you have to do is start thinking about yourself. £35 is like 3 months worth of swimming trips. Why must you forego all enjoyment in life for him?
    aww thanks hun but sadly i have come last in everything... this is a normal month for me i go through this
    That can change if you want it to, and I think now is the perfect time to make that choice!

    You are a truly beautiful person, and you deserve whatever happiness you choose for yourself.
    Life is full of chancers, risk takers, the blood sucking and the greedy.
    You have proved to yourself, and the world that in the face of everything you can hold yourself with unquestionnable dignity and integrity.

    If I could give you one thing in life, it would be to surrounded you by people who do everything they can, to see you happy, to make sure you're alright. People who will always give you their chair, always lift you in the morning, and lay you down at night. People who will live their day to see you smile, and people who will dry your eyes when you cry......

    You are one of life's treasures..... and you should hear those words every single day
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  • bananakinzbananakinz Forumite
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    Wow - what a post CafcGirl xxx

    Totally agree... go on PAP, you can do it, we're behind you x
    Proud to be dealing with our debts - We WANT to be debt free DEC 09 :rolleyes:
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  • tesuhohatesuhoha Forumite
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    Im sorry to say this posting but your family sound very selfish and theyre laying guilt on you. If you were not there to prop them up they would have to manage. I think you should do what i did at your age. Get on a bus and go and live in a big city. You could go to Bristol or Cardiff. You could get a better paid job in a big city like that and as they are student cities there are always lots of rooms going to rent. I really think you should strike out and become more independent and look after yourself for a change for I am sure that while youve got your mum like a rock on a chain around your neck dragging you down you will never have any money; you will never be able to progress, to get on in life. Honestly, posting, she is an adult, Im sorry if this sounds cruel but reading all this just makes me feel angry on your behalf, she needs to take responsibility for herself. If you are worried about your possessions, dont pay the house insurance, move out and take them with you. If youre worried about not having any electricity, dont pay her bill, move out to somewhere where you dont have to worry about that kind of thing. Is she going to support you through college? Like hell she is. She should be thinking about you the way you are thinking about her. She needs to learn that you are not her keeper.

    When i was in my early twenties i was not in the same situation as you but i felt suffocated by the home environment for different reasons. I lived in the South East but one evening I packed a suitcase and got on an overnight bus to Edinburgh. I had no job and nowhere to go and very little money. However I saw it as an adventure. I bought a paper when I arrived and managed to get a room in a flat. I took a job, any job to get some money but gradually I sorted myself out and got the secretarial qualifications I needed to get a better job. I survived.

    I dont mean that you should do anything as rash as that but you could look for a job in a big city and see if you could earn enough to afford to leave home because tbh I think that is what you need to do. Your situation is intolerable. All of the money you are earning from a job you hate is being leeched off you by your family. What kind of a life is that? You dont go out or have a social life, you dont have any treats. It sounds as if you dont even have many friends. You constantly obsess about money and debts. At this point in time you dont need to learn to drive or even go to college (though that would be lovely); you need to escape. You need to grab hold of life and enjoy it, get a job if you can, maybe use the qualifications you already have to find a job, share a flat with some students, go out and have fun. My daughter pays approx £300 a month rent in Bristol, about £75 a week. If you didnt have to pay your mum keep or her debts and the house insurance and your brother etc etc you could afford that easily, especially if you have a better paid job. You dont need to be nasty to your mum you just have to let her know that you have kept her head above water for long enough and its time for it to stop now and for you to have some kind of life. Otherwise this situation will just carry on and on and even after youve paid off her debts there will be something else she expects you to pay for and all of your young years will pass by and you will reach thirty and wonder where your life went. Please please please do something to help yourself. Please realise that your family are just going to drag you down. If you can look at them from a distance (as I did), you will see how selfish they really are. You can still see them but you wont have this unhealthy relationship with them. It is all take take take with them and no give. I know that you dont see it like that but outsiders do.

    It sounds like you had a hard time with your dad and so did your mum but she has made her own life and it is not your fault. You are entitled to some happiness and quality of life. You may not think you want to go right now, but I hope Ive put a little germ of an idea in there. You could still do a college course. You havent got anything to lose but a lifetime of debt and stress. Dont feel guilty, Im sure your mum will survive very well without you. But if you stay living with her, even if you say enough is enough and you want to get debtfree, the next time she is in trouble, you wont be able to stop yourself from bailing her out once again. Maybe she would even respect you more if you got tough with her.

    Before you say you cant do any of this, think about how other girls manage it. Think of your way of doing it, not mine. Before you say you dont even want to, just read back over some of your posts and see the resentment seething there in the words you wrote yesterday.

    I am sorry for the rant, and I hope you dont hate me for it. You can tell me to mind my own business if you like but that is the impression that I get. Call me an evil witch if you want for suggesting that you leave home but if it was me I would get out and run like mad. :sad:
    The forest would be very silent if no birds sang except for the birds that sang the best






  • tesuhohatesuhoha Forumite
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    Just noticed that CAFCgirl has offered you work and temporary accomodation. Well, that could be the start of something. She talks a lot of sense. You need to change direction posting and take some positive steps to help yourself. Honestly. Cant emphasise it more. Why dont you take up CAFgirl's offer.
    The forest would be very silent if no birds sang except for the birds that sang the best






  • tesuhohatesuhoha Forumite
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    Sorry to be tough Posting, its because I love ya Babe :)
    The forest would be very silent if no birds sang except for the birds that sang the best






  • tesuhohatesuhoha Forumite
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    Sorry to go on about this but I believe that there comes a time in most people's lives at least once when they reach a crisis point and they have to make a massive change of direction in order to look out for themselves. I think that you have reached one of those times.

    Years ago I was in a similar situation to you. It wasnt my parents. I was living with a man who was sponging off me. I worked full time, all of the time, doing secretarial work. I kept him. I paid the bills and the food and I even paid his debts. We were really poor and lived in the most grotty little flat without a bathroom. I used to go to the train station for a shower every week and have a wash down at the basin every day. He hardly ever washed. He liked socialising and he took drugs. He liked his friends more than me. He used to take money out of my purse. I was with him for 4 years. I thought that he loved me and I was kind of expecting him to marry me one day, although to be honest, I wasnt all that keen on him. However, I first realised that he didnt care all that much about me either when I spent a night in hospital and he never bothered to come in and see me or even phone up. The final straw came when my aunt left me £100 in her will. It was a lot of money to me and I discovered that he had taken it out of my bank account and spent it on rubbish. I then asked him if he was going to marry me and he laughed and said no, so I decided I was going. I packed my bags, got someone to give me a lift and went the next day. He was totally shocked but once I had made up my mind that was it. A few days later he turned up on my doorstep with a few of his druggie friends but I shut the door in his face. I have never regretted it for one second.

    Shortly after that I met my husband, and it was like the difference between hell and heaven. So all I can say is that as long as you know its what you want and you have a plan, making a life changing decision often can bring you great happiness. If you take the risk and do what you really want, its a great feeling. Its relief and freedom and adventure all in one.
    The forest would be very silent if no birds sang except for the birds that sang the best






  • thanks tesuhoha, no i do agree with most of your posts but i live in bristol (ok in a council esate around the edge) and there arnt that many jobs around, even in town unless you are qualified or you 'look' a certain way (ie not big like me) no-one wants to offer you a job, as i have only worked in retail there is no chance. There are flats/rooms avalible like one not far from work for £325 with gas and elec etc etc but because i need internet connection and i have animals most people wont allow this... i am looking though, i have been looking for a while. i do belive things need to change, i am forever helping everyone (just today my sister has asked for money) but i have known no different. Yes i have no friends, i had one when i left college but she hasnt been in touch for over a year... i live like a hermit i will be first to admit that to anyone, i get up go to work, come home and go to bed.... again i have known no different and unfortunetly i have had to grow up really really fast so what my age group like/do i dont and wont. I just exstit... I have decided after holiday to 'fake' a pay cut, she knows work is getting tight with hours etc etc then hopefully i can put more money away... I have no ambition/need/want for life anymore, i dont want kids and i dont want a relationship (never had one never will) but i need somthing better than this, i get no respect at home (everyone just walzing in my room whenever) and i have to space. I love my family but it feels to me like i am being punished for my fathers mistakes.
  • CAFCGirlCAFCGirl Forumite
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    For fear of this coming across in the wrong way, when you say you're big, what are we talking about here?

    I'm much like yourself, I've got no friends where I am, I've got my bf who I met thru my first ever flatmate, who I lived with for 3 years and since she moved out she has never been in touch with me.

    My one good friend stitched me up, hence why I had to find a place of my own, and increasing my rent by almost 100%! I get up, I talk to the people at work, but only ever at work, we dont have much of a social network outside of work since theres only a few of us, and we're all so different.

    Only time I ever go out is with the BF and thats had to stop because neither of us have any money.
    So much like you, its get up, go to work, come home talk to noone till the next day at work.

    You're a very kind and generous person. And not for one second go blaming yourself for being that person. It is not your fault that your family take you for granted, it is not your fault that your family see you as responsible for them, and it is DEFINITELY NOT YOUR FAULT that your father did what he did.

    I'm glad to hear you think things need to change, and I for one, will be here for anything you need on that front.
    I'm gonna keep my ear out for our next shop opening close to you and get you in there!!!! And offer still stands if you want a couple of days work experience on the other side of the country!!!

    Not having any motivation or ambition is a perpetual cycle, but my suggestion would be to take that as your motivation......... Your motivation should be realising your ambition, kicking your family into touch and start living for you!

    Plenty of people can tell you what you should, shouldnt. could, couldn't do till the cows come home but at the end of the day, the choice is solely yours. Want your family to stop treating you like dirt, stop thinking you deserve it, that you give them reason for it!

    You dont!
    They're selfish and cruel.
    You're not!

    Applaud yourself on that one every waking moment hun!
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