'Wedding etiquette...' blog discussion

edited 28 April 2011 at 12:18PM in Martin's Blogs & Appearances & MoneySavingExpert in the News
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  • derbygirl1derbygirl1 Forumite
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    I asked for money at my wedding and put it towards our honeymoon - I think its acceptable to do that now.
  • celyn90celyn90 Forumite
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    I think there's a difference between (1) the bride/groom enclosing a wedding present list within an invitation that comes completely out of the blue, or writing "Cash rather than duplicated gifts please" on said invitation; and (2) the recipient responding to the invitation by directly asking whether there is a wedding present list.

    I don't want the implication to be that I have to buy a present; but if I want to and offer to do so, I don't mind receiving guidance.

    ETA. I may not follow their guidance though - particularly if they ask for cash!

    I agree with this completely; I think this is perfect etiquette. People on my side of the family who wanted help asked my mum for her advice (she had been given no guidance from us). We had no gift list as I feel having one creates the impression a gift is expected and I wasn't going to write "no gifts" in case people did want to bring something.

    The past few weddings I have been to, the cake was my gift. But I can't say I've ever been to a wedding where I've had a problem choosing a gift for the couple myself. I tend not to go to weddings of people I don't know well enough to do so. I like to by a gift, but I like it to be something that I want to give and have put thought into.
    This is what I feel, it is the height of bad manners to ask for a present and especially to include a list or a request for money. If someone asks what you would like them to get for you that is very different. I especially dislike the idea of asking for money for the honeymoon again you book the one you can afford, and why do couples seem to delay the honeymoon these days?

    To me you have the wedding you can afford and invite the people you want to share your day with you. Any gifts they may give are an added bonus and not to be expected to fit in with your requests.

    We delayed our honeymoon as we got married abroad but we couldn't take any more time off work to go on holiday afterwards (we spent ten days in Finland for the wedding, a week in Latvia on the way back (a fluke of the flights we took advantage of) and then our honeymoon was two weeks back in Iceland over Easter - got back at the weekend!). But OH and I travel a lot anyway, mainly for work so going abroad isn't super important to us. Plus we wanted to be able to hike in Iceland and you'd need to be crazy to do that at the beginning of Feburary! :o
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  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    celyn90 wrote: »
    We delayed our honeymoon as we got married abroad but we couldn't take any more time off work to go on holiday afterwards (we spent ten days in Finland for the wedding, a week in Latvia on the way back (a fluke of the flights we took advantage of) and then our honeymoon was two weeks back in Iceland over Easter - got back at the weekend!). But OH and I travel a lot anyway, mainly for work so going abroad isn't super important to us. Plus we wanted to be able to hike in Iceland and you'd need to be crazy to do that at the beginning of Feburary! :o

    Maybe I'm just being thick but in my eyes spending ten days for the wedding and a week in Latvia surely was a honeymoon. ;) If you wanted to go hiking in Iceland (somewhere I would like to visit one day) then why wouldn't you get married at the appropriate time of year?
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • edited 3 May 2011 at 3:32PM
    celyn90celyn90 Forumite
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    edited 3 May 2011 at 3:32PM
    Maybe I'm just being thick but in my eyes spending ten days for the wedding and a week in Latvia surely was a honeymoon. ;) If you wanted to go hiking in Iceland (somewhere I would like to visit one day) then why wouldn't you get married at the appropriate time of year?

    Because we got married in a snowcastle in Finland and the season was limited to certain dates as it would have melted :) It's impossible to relax when you are organising stuff, so although we saw a bit of Finland, it didn't feel like a holiday as we were organising beforehand and shattered afterwards! Our flights offered an extended transfer in Latvia so we took it, but again - it wasn't what we planned. OH proposed originally on a glacier in Iceland, so we wanted to go back for our honeymoon - but it isn't good for hiking in deep winter. We booked the honeymoon before the wedding, just left a few weeks in between as it's not good for us to have extended time off in one go (it's okay as far as we are concerned, but it's not fair on the students if we are absent for ages). When we booked the flights to Finland, we found we could take an extended layover, so took it as neither of us had been to Latvia.

    Iceland is wonderful; I'd really recommend it as a destination - it's a beautiful country :)
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  • StrappedStrapped Forumite
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    I wonder - is the ettiquette different when one, or both, of the bride and groom are marrying for the second (or third etc) time?
    They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -- Plato
  • gailygaily Forumite
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    I received an invitation recently where the couple stated that "Your presence at our wedding is present enough, as we appreciate our friends and family making the effort to join us on our special day. But if we're honored with a gift from you, may we respectfully guide you to towards ....." the list was not enclosed.

    I think it was debenhams/john lewis etc. It comprised items ranging from £5 to £100, or the option to buy vouchers.

    I was glad that the couple appreciated that we had to travel a few hundred miles to get to them, and this included - as is now often - an overnight stay, but we were glad to have an idea of what they wanted, as they were friends rather than close family, so we hadn't met the groom, and did not know what to bring.

    I always try to get a gift for a wedding that will last and the couple will have memories of the day when they use - I still think about my wedding day when using some of the gifts we got bought - and the people that bought them - and that was 10 years ago.

    My memories are my best gift!! (but I was appreciative of those who stuck to the list, rather than going 'off piste' - or off p****d when they selected what they were buying!! - we did get few of each by the looks of them)
    Always on the hunt for a bargain. :rolleyes:

    Always grateful for any hints, tips or guidance as to where the best deals are:smileyhea
  • PrimrosePrimrose Forumite
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    I do think it's cheeky to enclose a gift list with a wedding invitation but if people ask, then it's OK to either direct them to a wedding list or to say that cash would be equally acceptable. We ended up with about 17 different sets of glasses when we got married years ago, and not a single item of bedlinen which we desperately needed so it's much better to give a couple what they actually need.

    What I find most offensive of all, and I've noticed it happening increasingly these days is that the bridal couple then don't even bother to write a "thank you" letter for the gift after the wedding. That is just plain bad manners and leaves a very bad taste in the mouth, especially when people may have spent money they couldn't really afford on the gift. After one wedding we attended without a "thank you" letter, I had to write to the couple twice to ask if they actually received the gift, as it was selected from a departmental store's gift list. I only got a reply when I wrote to tell them I was going to make a complaint to the store that the wedding present I'd selected obviously hadn't been delivered.
  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    Primrose wrote: »
    What I find most offensive of all, and I've noticed it happening increasingly these days is that the bridal couple then don't even bother to write a "thank you" letter for the gift after the wedding. That is just plain bad manners and leaves a very bad taste in the mouth, especially when people may have spent money they couldn't really afford on the gift. After one wedding we attended without a "thank you" letter, I had to write to the couple twice to ask if they actually received the gift, as it was selected from a departmental store's gift list. I only got a reply when I wrote to tell them I was going to make a complaint to the store that the wedding present I'd selected obviously hadn't been delivered.


    I agree here. It's the height of bad manners not to acknowledge that someone has gone to the trouble of getting you a gift, it only takes a few minutes and means a lot.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • edited 4 May 2011 at 1:37PM
    shiny76shiny76 Forumite
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    edited 4 May 2011 at 1:37PM
    We have a bit of an awkward situation.

    Despite our precarious financial position (I'm juggling £23k of debt, meaning we could have done with money for our honeymoon), we have asked for people to donate to the DEC through our justgiving page. We both had our own houses until recently so are fairly well equipped with household items.

    Trouble is people seem to want to give us gifts rather than donate. The mrs-shiny(-to-be) is quite militant about it all and thinks people should respect our wishes, whereas I respect their freedom to choose (no gift, gift or donation). One couple donated to comic relief and told us that it was on our behalf - a worthwhile cause but not the one we requested.

    It's enough to give a bloke a headache ;)
  • shiny76shiny76 Forumite
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    Primrose wrote: »
    I do think it's cheeky to enclose a gift list with a wedding invitation but if people ask, then it's OK to either direct them to a wedding list or to say that cash would be equally acceptable. We ended up with about 17 different sets of glasses when we got married years ago, and not a single item of bedlinen which we desperately needed so it's much better to give a couple what they actually need.

    What I find most offensive of all, and I've noticed it happening increasingly these days is that the bridal couple then don't even bother to write a "thank you" letter for the gift after the wedding. That is just plain bad manners and leaves a very bad taste in the mouth, especially when people may have spent money they couldn't really afford on the gift. After one wedding we attended without a "thank you" letter, I had to write to the couple twice to ask if they actually received the gift, as it was selected from a departmental store's gift list. I only got a reply when I wrote to tell them I was going to make a complaint to the store that the wedding present I'd selected obviously hadn't been delivered.
    :rotfl:
    Did you genuinely think this or was it part of your determined pursuit of thanks?
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