'Don't be afraid to ask for wedding cash instead of gifts' blog discussion
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Unbelievable. If you can't afford to pay for your wedding and honeymoon then cut back. It's like everything else in life, you can afford it, you have it. If you can't afford it, you don't have it. You certainly shouldn't expect people you invite to shell out to help cover your costs of your choices. As shell says, you can get married very cheaply, if you choose to have a big celebration then you pay for your own choice.
Btw, you do know what hypocritical means? I ask because I wonder why you think those of us who feel asking for cash is out of line are hypocritical?
Bring back the good old days when people had the right values in life.
I have to agree, the saying 'cut your cloth according to your means' comes to mind.
I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
If you cannot or do not want to have them at your wedding, you need to explain this to them and stick to your guns. From what you've said it looks like you have created a rod for your own back by allowing them to come because now you need more money to cover the cost of having them at the wedding.
The honeymoon doesn't come into it as you had to the opportunity to choose one that you could afford - without contributions - in the first place (or postpone it, or forego it altogether). Some people find that contributions from guests (whether asked for or not) enables them to have a more expensive honeymoon than originally planned. Some people rely on contributions to fund the honeymoon they couldn't afford otherwise.
See my earlier point.
So before the invitations went out, you had already decided all invitees were getting your bank details, whether they asked for them or not?
Suze
Borrowed £260000 in 8/2009
Amount outstanding at 1/10/2012 is £10000/3.8%
:j
I think it is completely wrong for anyone to a) expect a gift and b) make plans based on the idea that they will receive a certain sum. Wedding gifts ARE an added extra!
If people are willing to effectively pay you back then that's fine, but it shouldn't be expected.
When people express opinions like this I do wonder where they're coming from. If you are a guest and you decide to give cash to as "payback" then you are at the mercy of the couple and whatever grand plans they have made, and therefore how much you are expected/expecting to pay back. You could almost say that since the guests are paying to attend, then they should have some say in what sort of party it is!
Why not go one better and sell tickets...?
People seem to forget that a big party and a honeymoon aren't compulsory and that they are not automatically entitled to them and some sort of monetary contribution towards them.
Not sure how you can make gifts a core part of your plans if you are truly not going to ask for anything?
Yes, historically (pre-1994) you would go the local church or register office and get married, so the ceremony itself was a lot cheaper than those in places like hotels these days. You were more likely to be living with your parents than cohabiting with your partner, and moving in with your new spouse after the wedding.
These days it is more socially acceptable for couples to live together before marrying. Many couples have their own place, or at least have their own furnishings etc, so they don't need the same sort of support to set up home. The cost of the wedding ceremony is no longer limited to the statutory fee and people can use venues that charge hundreds/thousands of pounds. The average age of a newly-married couple is also higher than it used to be.
All these things combined lead me to believe that the idea of social banking around weddings is less of a requirement than it used to be.
Also, the only weddings I've been to in the past 10 years are those of friends who are the same age as me - so the social banking idea doesn't really work...
It doesn't seem right that a couple who has all the household stuff they need should have a wedding they can't afford because everyone else will pay for it.
What about the sums many guests spend on travel to out-of-town venues (and overnight accommodation if needed)? And, in some cases, the overseas hen/stag party?
Yes, they could decide that the present will be small-scale as they had to shell out a lot for transport, accommodation etc
I particularly like those poems people write
I just think whichever way you try and dress it up, it's vulgar. I don't mind giving a present, but I'll decide what my budget is. Just like the happy couple has decided what their budget is. I'm not throwing people £100 from me and £100 from my hubby to cover the costs of the wedding/honeymoon.
We didn't ask anyone for anything when we got married. To us it was about being married, not about having a wedding, so it was very low-key with just immediate family and a couple of close friends.
MIL is quite chatty so all her friends and family knew we were getting married. She rang me up and said "they're all asking what to get you" which I thought was nice of them. I said we didn't need anything in particular and didn't expect any presents but named a couple of high street chains which they could get us vouchers from if they wanted to.
Our wedding guests asked what we wanted and we said the same thing. One of my friends didn't ask, but insisted she organise and pay for the cake which was a very nice gesture. We hadn't made any plans for the cake at that stage so she decided her budget and asked us to choose from a range of options she had found.
We went to a wedding last year where they said "don't buy us a present, donate to one of these two charities instead", which has its advantages and disadvantages, but at least shows that you're not mercenary...
One last thing... I've been to countless weddings where we have bought the happy couple something from their list and not received so much as a text to say thank you for the gift. We don't get thank you notes from our niece and nephew either at Christmas or on their birthdays. As we're on the subject of customs, has the custom of thanking people for things died out?
Suze
Borrowed £260000 in 8/2009
Amount outstanding at 1/10/2012 is £10000/3.8%
:j
I agree. It's not about money and a show, it never should be.
I don't agree with asking for anything, but I think asking for money is the height of rudeness, be it directly, as vouchers or with one of those vile websites asking for "cocktails on a beach". I hate it even more when it comes dressed up with an offensive little poem in a jokey attempt to disguise what is simply crass bad manners. It is simply impolite, no matter how you try to hide it.
I also dislike it when couples fail to understand the cost of being a wedding guest. I read so many times about people saying they spent x per head and expect it back as a gift. That's just nasty, really nasty. You may as well just issue tickets to the highest bidders.
I have a work collegue currently who is so worried about attending a wedding of a sibling as she can't afford the transport - let alone the potential of an overnight stay with three young kids, clothes (is a bridesmaid and is being expected to pay for a dress/shoes), food and allsorts as well as the expensive hen weekend she feels oblidged to attend. She is embarrased and stressed and noone should be made to feel like that.
This is a moneysaving website - surely you should throw a party that you can afford and cut your cloth according to income. Expecting other people to pick up the tab is insensitive and unpleasent.
Having just got married myself a couple of months ago (and yes, we paid for everything - flights, transport, airport parking, accomodation, food and drinks for all of our guests bar one friend who insisted on paying for the flights himself - and we had no gift list/mention of gifts). I simply cannot understand how people can be so mind-numbingly self absorbed that they fail to consider how their guests might feel. Okay, it's your big day, but not at the expense of everyone else. If it is just about you, then go off and do it on your own.
When we announced to close family that we were getting married the first questions and comments we had deal with were along the lines of, "Who are you going to do your gift list with?" "You need to do a gift list". It never came from us because we never planned to do one. So we havd to explain why. We saw that it would just be a big hassle explaining why not to everyone that we decided to give the people the option of giving cash.
Next we had to explain that we were going to have a very small reception, and we had to deal with criticism from this one and that one about why they weren't invited. When we answered honestly - we can't afford it we were told off for admitting that we could not afford it!
Then there were friends who warned us about the dangers of not having a honeymoon and who threatened to pay towards the honeymoon for us to encourage us to book one so we have booked a cheap one.
The list goes on.
If guest have expectations we would rather them contribute something to meeting those expectations than just doing the done thing and buying us a gift we don't need or want.
You can marry very cheaply and we are marrying very cheaply, but you can't marry for nothing. Simply publishing the bands and getting a registrar costs you over £150.
Get married for £150 then ~ then you won't have to worry about the cost.
And this awful attitude of 'well, the meal that I just put on for you wasn't cheap y'know'... You'd have thought the guest asked them to put a meal on for them!
Don't expect other people to pick up your bills. If you want that type of wedding, then pay for it. If you can't afford it but would still like people to be there to celebrate your wedding (as a favour to you - I assure you, and perhaps this will come as a shock to you, most people on your guestlist probably could not care less that you are getting married; it means nothing to them) then ask them to join you for a few drinks at a local bar after your service.
If you really are so crude then at least don't try and pass it by under some fake kind of daylight robbery ('...if you would like to give a cash gift then here's how to do it...') - shamelessly stand outside the church with a bucket and a sign and embrace your crassness! You might as well... it's what the majority of people will be thinking...
The wedding was very grand and would have cost thousands of pounds. I feel uneasy, being in a position of financial discomfort myself, of having to 'pay my way' to attend someones wedding.
Just for me and my partner to attend the wedding cost us about £150 !
There is a horrible expectation that now you must contribute financially to whatever fund the couple choose whether it be a honeymoon pot, home improvements etc. I thought marriage was about celebrating in your friends happiness, not reimbursing the costs of there wedding or paying for there honeymoon whilst you get yourself in debt to just try and attend the wedding!
I dont want to sound mean, but this 'expectation' has gotten out of hand.
As such we will not be mentioning gift lifts, presents, money or otherwise. The invite will just state the date time location etc. I would rather not obligate my guests, there has been a recession a lot of people have lost their jobs/experienced wage reduction and they have their own finances to prioritise. If they are generous enough to get us a gift we will be very grateful, however we will not be disappointed and judge people for it if they do not get us anything.