'Don't be afraid to ask for wedding cash instead of gifts' blog discussion

Torry_Quine · 27 April 2011 at 12:34AM

bylromarha wrote: »

As £20 for 1 teaspoon is not a gift I'm happy to give, especially when we knew they had a pile of smart teaspoons already.

Just like £20 cash would not have been given to them when they had a massive salary.

The gift is for the giver to choose, not for the receipient to request.

My sentiment exactly.

melancholly wrote: »

although i completely agree with that, it's seriously hard to buy for people without a list or who don't specify cash or vouchers. no-one has ever 'requested' a gift from me for a wedding but it's usually common courtesy to ask if they have a list after getting an invitation.

getting a whole load of useless stuff seems incredibly wasteful. without a list there will be duplications or just things that aren't wanted/needed. i'd hate to buy something they hated that they felt obliged to keep in a cupboard. but i guess other people would sooner buy a personal gift (tricky to get something for the home when you haven't visited recently though, as often happens with people who live some distance away).

i'd sooner have clear guidelines and will happily follow them! anyone who will judge me for how much i spend isn't someone whose wedding i would ever want to attend anyway.

cash/vouchers seem to be entirely acceptable these days. anyone mortally offended by that should probably prepare to get upset more and more as weddings happen with established couples rather than on the point of moving in.

I have never felt the need to be told what is an appropriate gift, I don't need guidelines.

Even if it were a couple who had already set up home I would not be happy being informed that cash was preferred and would not give cash. If someone is a distance away and I'm not going then and only then would I give a voucher.

melancholly · 27 April 2011 at 8:16AM

Torry_Quine wrote: »

M
Even if it were a couple who had already set up home I would not be happy being informed that cash was preferred and would not give cash. If someone is a distance away and I'm not going then and only then would I give a voucher.

so a voucher is ok in some circumstances but cash never? it's an interesting distinction. i see them as the same!

it's good that you don't need guidelines - from the position of the couple getting 'thoughtful' gifts from lots of different people that they felt were appropriate, i can see a list as a sensible/practical option!

Stuart_W · 27 April 2011 at 8:40AM

Approaches to marriage are personal. Approaches to finance are personal. There will never be agreement!

My wife and I are soon to reach our 10th wedding anniversary. We were 23 and 24 when we got married.
We had not, and would not, live together before getting married. We concentrated our time beforehand in preparing for a marriage, not a wedding.
Our biggest expense on the day was hiring a coach from a town where we both used to live to travel to the church where we were getting married, to allow any friends there to travel to our wedding, knowing some may have found it difficult or be faced with big train/petrol costs.
We both nominated a charity close to each of us, and asked for donations in lieu of gifts if anyone was so inclined (direct to the charities, so we didn't know and it wasn't any formal "fundraising" effort so to speak).
For us, the start of our marriage was about the presence of friends not presents from friends.

Errata · 27 April 2011 at 9:07AM

It seems to me that those guests who don't know what gift to buy the happy couple don't actually know them very well, so I wonder why they would accept an invitation to celebrate their marriage.
Requesting cash turns the whole thing into a monetary transaction: you can come to our wedding if you pay the entrance fee.

MrsE_2 · 27 April 2011 at 9:10AM

melancholly wrote: »

cash/vouchers seem to be entirely acceptable these days. anyone mortally offended by that should probably prepare to get upset more and more as weddings happen with established couples rather than on the point of moving in.

And thats the crux of it. Its traditional to bring a gift to a wedding, but as most couples already have a home together before the wedding then it makes sense to give cash (towards a fixed big purchase) or vouchers (they can keep until needed), instead of giving them a pile of stuff they already have.

When I buy a gift for someone, its to make them happy not me. I would rather buy 1 small high value item they actually wanted than bulky presents of the same monetry value they didn't want.

If someone was spending £10 on a gift for me I would rather they bought me one lipstick in a brand I actually use than £10 on a cheap cosmetics set I wouldn't use.
I apply the same logic to my gift giving.

Better it be wanted than thrown in the loft;)

luxor4t · 27 April 2011 at 9:15AM

Martin reminded us of the function of wedding gifts: " Wedding gifts aren’t just a pleasant way of wishing a new couple a great life together, historically they’re there as a form of social banking and before you decide what to ask for on the big day – it’s worth understanding the function this ‘ceremonial gift exchange’ performs."

I must move in unusual circles as most of the weddings I have attended are young couples setting up their first home together. My wedding gift will help them to set up their first home.

I see nothing wrong in giving people I love what they actually need to do that - be it an item, a voucher or cash. In that sense, my personal preference is not involved, it is a gift for them.

melancholly · 27 April 2011 at 9:54AM

Errata wrote: »

It seems to me that those guests who don't know what gift to buy the happy couple don't actually know them very well, so I wonder why they would accept an invitation to celebrate their marriage.

what about family or close friends who moved across the country? i might know very well what they like in general but not know if they have specific items already. i may only visit once or twice a year and not stop to take an inventory of their home. they may live abroad and i only catch up over the phone and talk about other aspects of live than possessions...... i also wouldn't want to get something that they might get five versions of.

i want to get something nice and thoughtful, but i also don't want to have to travel with a potentially heavy or awkward or large 'perfect' item. what about people who were planning to emigrate immediately?

there are so many situations that i can't understand how you can see this as so black and white. i'd love to be able to pick a personal perfect gift but i know that isn't usually possible and i'd sooner get something the couple wanted. sometimes i've bought gifts off-list, sometimes from a list and sometimes given vouchers...... there isn't a one size fits all approach and i think being massively offended by one option is just daft considering how common it is.

jennmark · 27 April 2011 at 11:56AM

when we got married 5 years ago we had been living together for 2 years so had all the general household stuff, we didnt spen a massive amount on the wedding, £3000 all in, with a sit down meal traditional dress and photographer etc, also paid for it all out of savings. i didnt expect anyone to give us gifts, we didnt need the usual sort of stuff, on our invites we requested that if people wished to give us a gift we would like B&Q vouchers, everyone did this, we were over the moon, just over £500 altogether, we had moved into our house a year before we got married and were in need of a new bathroom, thats what our wedding guests bought us! i appreciate the downfalls of vouchers but in our situation, B&Q are relatively stable, and as we asked for those vouchers specifically that is what we got, instead of £50 for M&S and £35 for John Lewis etc. it was a fantastic and very useful wedding gift!

[Deleted User] · 27 April 2011 at 12:01PM

In a lot of cultures, there's an expectation to give cash rather than a gift. After chatting with a few people, it seems like the 'norm' is to give approx. 50-60 quid per person attending

Tigsteroonie · 27 April 2011 at 12:26PM

ringo_24601 wrote: »

In a lot of cultures, there's an expectation to give cash rather than a gift. After chatting with a few people, it seems like the 'norm' is to give approx. 50-60 quid per person attending

So over £100 if you are a couple? :eek: :eek: :eek:

Perhaps some of you can afford that. I certainly can't.

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'Don't be afraid to ask for wedding cash instead of gifts' blog discussion

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