'Don't be afraid to ask for wedding cash instead of gifts' blog discussion

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  • bylromarha wrote: »
    First marriage, young couple, okay, not a problem. We gave a large contribution to a great mate who got wed a few years back as they literally had nothing.

    A couple who've been living together for a few years, have set up home, have had some nice holidays, got most up to date gadgets. No way would I give them cash. If they want cash, then do without the gadgets and save it yourself.


    But then in this situation, what would you give them? As has been mentioned, its rude to ask for gifts, but I'd feel just as bad turning up at a wedding empty handed just because I'd decided they already had all the 'gadgets' they need.

    My OH and I are getting married in July, we have our own home, fully furnished, OH has organised a surprise honeymoon for us, and we genuinely don't need anything. However, our friends and family have asked what we would like for the wedding. Some (grandparents etc) are still giving us gifts, but everyone else is giving us cash. It hasn't been asked for, specifically, all we said was that we don't really need anything for our flat.
    In regards to the 'keeping up with the Jones's' aspect of it, vaious groups of our guests are giving us their presents together (all my Dad's family, for example, are giving us one envelope) so we don't know how much each individual has given. Not that we care, we've invited them to the wedding because we love them and want them there, not because we're expecting them to subsidise their own meal!!!

    Keeley
  • edited 26 April 2011 at 4:02PM
    edinburgheredinburgher Forumite
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    edited 26 April 2011 at 4:02PM
    I simply don't think its rude to suggest cash

    Well, lots of your readers do. Healthy debate and all that...
    That isn't to say the "presence no presents" route (which I used at my own wedding) isn't fine for those who choose or can afford to do so.

    I'm told that that's the ultimate wedding cliche, but it still makes me laugh :)
  • ErrataErrata Forumite
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    Of course etiquette rightly suggests no one should 'ask for gifts' so what we're really talking about here is whether you can express a preference for cash over presents for those who want to give."
    Express a preference? The only preference that needs to be expressed is 'Please come to my wedding, but please let me know if you can't'. The expectation of a gift, whether it's an object or cash just turns the whole thing into a souk.
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  • bylromarhabylromarha Forumite
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    Keeley_P wrote: »
    But then in this situation, what would you give them? As has been mentioned, its rude to ask for gifts, but I'd feel just as bad turning up at a wedding empty handed just because I'd decided they already had all the 'gadgets' they need.

    Depends on the person as to what I would give them.

    One couple who asked for cash, and were on double the salary we were, got a newly wed kit...lube and the like.

    Another couple who had been living together for years and again on more money than us and had a stupidly expensive guest list where, I kid you not, the cheapest thing on it was a teaspoon at £20. We got them a couple of cook books for £20 instead which we knew they didn't have but had complemented meals we'd cooked them from it.

    I will not give cash to people who ask for it, especially if they could have a whole pile more of cash if they hadn't spent it on luxuries and gadgets, then claim they need cash for their wedding to make it extra special or a memorable honeymoon.
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  • edited 26 April 2011 at 5:19PM
    WishI'dReadSoonerWishI'dReadSooner Forumite
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    edited 26 April 2011 at 5:19PM
    I'd prefer to give a gift any day over cash.
    I'd like SOME idea of what gifts they'd like because I can then come on here or HUKD or even ebay and hopefully find something of a bargain to give that looks a heck of a lot more than I could ever afford to give them in cash.

    As an example:- Elder stepdaughter was getting married & wanted some Waterford crystal glasses. We actually managed to find a complete set (had to be 80-90 items), that someone had won as a prize, on ebay for around £200. This would have cost us £3000+ retail.

    Went to a wedding recently where they had requested 'cash'. Knowing we just couldn't afford to give them much cash I'd asked their parents what they needed. They REALLY needed gardening stuff. I managed to get them a 5 in 1 electrical tool that normally retails at well over £100 for just £20. They were over the moon with it as it did everything they needed. Had we given them 'cash' they wouldn't have bought just 1 of the 5 implements with the small amount of cash we could have afforded to give them.

    The only trouble is how do we duplicate this magnificent present for younger daughter getting married later this year? I'm going to have a damned good try when she tells us what they want. I'll also tell her that I'm going to search around to get her a great deal - they do know what I'm like!

    There is something to be said for wedding lists - especially when your guests may not have much money BUT do have time to spend getting you the right present at the right price.
  • Lady_SLady_S Forumite
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    I disagree with wedding gifts, and I am always completely amazed when people ask for cash.

    You might feel like you are doing it in a nice way, but there is no way of doing it nicely.

    At my own wedding we wanted people there rather than presents. We made this clear to everyone who was coming and that was that. If we received anything we were grateful for it. But we didn't expect anything from anyone. It was enough to have the people around me that I loved to witness my commitment to my husband.
  • charlie792charlie792 Forumite
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    Wedding gifts are fine in my opinion if its something the couple actually want or need, but for those who have already lived together (which to be honest most have these days) then it just seems silly to buy the traditional household items.

    To me I wouldnt want someone to buy gifts, especially as far as Ive seen previously it is things like toasters, glasses, cutlery sets - I wouldnt have a use for a second set of all of these nor would I have the space to store them, that would just make me feel guilty that someone has spent money on something I will never use. I would never request cash per se but would make a point that I didnt want gifts....
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  • BeverleyBeverley Forumite
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    A few years ago, I received an invitation to my ex-husband's nephew's wedding. Included with the invitation was a note stating, "Dear guest. We know you would love to buy us a present but we have all we need and we'd much rather have some money towards a fund for purchasing our home."
    They even included banking details so that I could make a deposit online. I'd had no intention of making the long journey to the wedding anyway but would have been happy to send a small gift or voucher but I was so appalled at the expectation that they got nothing from me.
  • ErrataErrata Forumite
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    Whilst a bridal couple may not have an exact idea of how much a guest may have spent on their gift, they will know exactly how much cash a guest manages to cough up. That's what makes requests for cash naff, selfish and in very poor taste.
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  • smk77smk77 Forumite
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    These days more and more couples have been living together before they get married therefore often already have many of the traditional gifts that would have been given from weddings years ago such as towels, crockery set etc.

    We got married 2 years after we moved in together so we already had most items...However, we had a wedding list hoping to replace the cheap ikea crockery and cutlery...And how long to towels last? You can never have enough towels!

    We basically replaced all the cheap stuff we bought when we were skint after moving with higher quality items.
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