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Has anyone else not told their partner about their debt and got through it? - Page 3

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Has anyone else not told their partner about their debt and got through it?

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Debt-Free Wannabe
32 replies 15.7K views


  • dottyannedottyanne Forumite
    1.5K posts
    No-one can tell you what to do for the best as no-one really knows you better than yourself. Do you really, deep down think your husband wouldnt think the same of you and love you just as much for being in debt as not being in debt? i doubt it. At the end of the day you have to do what suits you best. In my case it was eating me up inside and i just felt so uptight and worried all the time it was making me physically sick - couldnt eat, sleep...etc. I feel better now i told my hubby but thats just in my case. If you really really dont feel you can tell him at the moment - then just keep posting on here and we will help you all we can.......dont rush into a decision - think it over and do whats best for you..dottyanne xx
    Focusing on clearing the credit cards in 2018 :T
  • mjh1977mjh1977 Forumite
    60 posts
    Things are different for everyone, but my experience is that my OH was amazing. He looked coolly on it, showed me how I could repay - although I was convinced it was impossible - and continues to support me in paying off what I owe. In addition, the joint account we have, into which we both pay slightly more than necessary, avoids the issue of unequality financially.

    My advice, for what it's worth. Be clear it's not the other person's problem, and then it's like any other problem. If you had a health problem he'd support you, even if you'd drunk / smoked /ate your way into it. Spending then is the same, and you will get over it.

    mjh1977 Highest debt -18.5k (Dec 04) Current debt now below £10k for the first time in 4 years :j
  • southernscousersouthernscouser Forumite
    33.7K posts
    I never told my fiance about my debts and now she's my ex fiance! :doh:

    I think it was a major contributor to us splitting up though. We never did anything (coz I couldn't afford to and nor could she), all our friends were buying or had bought houses/flats. We looked but I knew I couldn't afford it. Just kind of played along.

    Anyway, when we split she cited the fact I wasn't interested in getting a place with her (I was, just too much debt), and that we never did anything, went anywhere (she quickly forgot the 8 or 9 foreign holidays in the previous 4-5 years :rolleyes: )

    Not saying we would have stayed together had I been honest but you never know!

    Do I regret not telling her? Yes I do. 100%. Part of me still wants to tell her now! :confused:

    It's a bit hypocritical of me, but for what it's worth I think you should tell him. Don't spend the rest of your life asking yourself "what if?" It ain't much fun! :(
  • jesster_2jesster_2 Forumite
    393 posts
    worried, I tell you what I'd do if I were you.

    Your OH has just recently found out about his brother's debts. And his reaction was pretty extreme. But lots of people on here say their OHs flipped out at first with the shock of it and then calmed down and were actually pretty supportive.

    So why don't you wait a little while and see whether his attitude towards his brother changes?

    Any reaction shows that he cares about his brother. If he genuinely didn't give a damn about him then he'd shrug and say 'so what?'

    Rather than trying to second-guess what he'd do, i'd maybe sit tight and wait and see. Gently ask how his bro's getting on from time to time, and see whether his attitude changes. Because at the moment you've seen the gut reaction, and you're worried that if you tell him, at best he'll carry on like that throughout however long it takes you to repay YOUR debts. But you don't know. But if you wait and watch a while, that way you make an informed decision. Plus you'll be further into paying your own debts off as and when the time comes to tell him.

    But don't look at it as time to worry you're doing the right thing, or time wasted. You're investing some time in getting the knowledge to find out what's the right thing to do. That's time well spent, I'd say.

    Dec 2005 £8,500

    April 2007 £0

    Paid Off Since Lightbulb Moment £8,500

    Debt Free Date: APRIL 16 2007
    :j :j :j :j :j :j :j :j
  • I finally had to 'fess up when the letters and phone calls started from the creditors after I entered into a DMP with Payplan. My husband would have been able to see the whole situation very clearly in our credit report, in any case, and it has also affected his credit rating as we are joint owners of our house. It was not easy to tell him, but I felt huge relief at unloading the secret. We now communicate much better about financial issues (but still argue! At least it is in the open!).

    We have not, however, discussed our financial problems with our parents and families as I am sure they would be horrified. I have told a few close friends, who are understanding if we turn down invites to restaurants, etc.

    I was especially stressed when I was hiding this horrible financial secret--my hair fell out and I was depressed for 3 years. I would encourage anyone to tell their OH if possible. Life is much better now--in a few years, I will wonder what I ever worried about. :)
    Debt-free in May 2015 with the help of Payplan and MSE
    Lightbulb Moment: November 22, 2004 :idea:
  • tigernymphtigernymph Forumite
    18 posts
    My OH earns less than I do and has to pay his ex for his two kids AND travel 800 miles per month to see them AND 1800 miles per month for work. We have a house together for which I pay the mortgage as he pays his for his house. We then split our house bills for everything else.

    At the moment I'm working abroad and it's bringing in extra money, but I always worry about HIM. However many times he rejigs his finances ( and we both get the MSE suggestions) he is always struggling. My debts are starting to get sorted and I want to help him....but he won't let me. But I will do it in other ways, topping up his fuel ( and not telling him) making sure we have enough food in ( so he doesn't have to pop put) and using everything we have for "Heinz 57" meals ( bits of all sorts of odd things) when we're up with his kids ( they're used to my odd mixtures now and seem to quite like it :rotfl:

    When I get home I will sit down and go through his list again and re read all the MSE tips and see if I can help him improve it. The thing that always keeps me focussed on talking to him is that a friend of my father's ran up enormous debt and was too ashamed to tell anyone...and committed suicide. As I said in my title, keep trying and keep talking, the anticipation of what your OH may think is usually worse than thier actual reaction. Take care of yourselves and each other :A :kisses3:

    Current debt

    Egg (15.9%) 3250
    Abbey National (15.9%) 4000 ( about to move to new 0% NSPCC card)
    HSBC (0%) 2520
    ISA 3200 ( sounds crazy but I may have no work for first 2 months when I return and this is to cover household bills)
  • MuMu_4MuMu_4 Forumite
    10 posts
    Hi Worried.

    Sorry if this goes on for ever but I've been reading this and your other thread and there is one thing which concerns me slightly. It may just be that you didn't think to mention it but it seems to me that there are ways in which your husband is responsible for your situation and also ways that he should be helping you whether you tell him or not.

    What I mean is that although your debts are not his responsibility, your reduced income is. You talk about monthly outgoings of £250 towards mortgage and bills. I hope that this at least has been adapted to take account of your reduced income but if not then I'm not just concerned but furious.

    On top of this is the fact that your disposable income has gone down but your spending needs are the same (or probably more). Maybe you could talk to your husband about your situation from this point of view without mentioning your debts (if you decide not to tell him about these). Explain that your reduced income is an issue and that you need him to contribute more to the joint outgoings or to your car expenses etc.

    I may be unusual in that I come from a background (my parents) where everything got paid into a joint bank account. Income was shared completely. This might not be possible in your situation but I strongly feel that in a situation where people are having children together they should share the costs equally whether those costs come in the form of increased outgoings or reduced income.

    As a suggestion which is less radical than what my parents did here are two other ways of doing this.

    A friend of mine is married but has no children. She and her husband share household expenses according to their incomes. I don't know the details but for example if he earns 15% more than her he pays 15% more of the mortgage, bills and groceries etc. What this means is that if 50% of her income has to be spent on these things 50% of his does too.

    I also know someone who has relatively recently gone back to work after raising 3 children. She can only find part time work and as her husband was able to gain huge promotions while she was raising the children (for 25 years) they decided that it is not fair for her 'spending money' to be less than his as a result. They have therefore decided that they should each have equal 'spending money'. So if his income was £1,800 per month and hers just £1,000 and the joint outgoings were £1,200 he would pay £1,000 towards these and she only £200 so that they each had £800 to spend. (Please note I completely made up these figures but you get the idea).

    I hope this has given you some ideas of how you can broach the subject with your husband. I want to repeat that your reduced income is his fault/responsibility as much as yours so it is not unreasonable for you to ask him to balance this with an equivalent reduction in his own income.

    Sorry for rambling on so long but I think that this is an important issue and I hope my suggestions are helpful.

  • pixie1pixie1 Forumite
    1.4K posts
    Debt-free and Proud!
    My oh doesnt know about my situation. He knows I still have some cc debt and that from Jan this year Ive really cut back on my spending and that Ive become tight LOL but he doesnt know the extent of my problem.

    :jDebt Free At Last!:j
  • trucker2trucker2 Forumite
    2 posts
    n e 1 gone bankrupt? Let me know how it went
  • trucker2trucker2 Forumite
    2 posts
    what are the pros and cons of going BR?
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