My whole life has gone BANG



  • I feel like she has made her mind up, and I want to help her try and sort her head out. I have not gave up on her, but I am at my witts end at what else i can do.

    She says she feels much better we have decided on what to do, but no time scales have being sorted really, only after the holiday in 4 weeks have being mentioned. But I would like to think we can do relate.

    I think or hope she realises 3 weeks to throw away 7 years is a short time to lose everything
  • jay11_2jay11_2 Forumite
    3.7K Posts
    Would stalling work? Just give her emotional space, you know, not commenting on how late she gets up/if she gets up, be nice, friendly and kind and avoid bringing 'stuff' up, just respond if she does.

    For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing by verbally going along with her, probably helps her to relax about it all. I'm like that, and often relaxing lets me change my mind (again, my poor DH!!).

    Tell her you're there if she wants to talk, then get on with your stuff and try to look after yourself--make sure you take time out ('I'm going to xyz later darlin' be back at z o'clock'), get exercise if it helps you. Generally try to keep things as chilled and low key as possible--she's in emotional turmoil/burnout, more emotional stuff may just push her further down.

    I'm not very good at this stuff, my OH is brill, he's ill tonight (bug thing), but I'll point him your way when he's back online. He keeps me on track and I fear I'm a bit like your DW, so he might be able to help,

    good luck

    xx jay
  • Thanks again, I just need to see how it goes. The getting up thing is not really an issue. I will just leave her, its the 2 year old that wants her some of the time. And if I am trying to get ready for work with the 2 year old bouncing on her head I feel bad.

    Other wise i just let her get on with it
  • jay11_2jay11_2 Forumite
    3.7K Posts
    You're welcome, I feel for you, its a rotten situation and you sound like a nice guy

    I hope things work out

    good luck,

  • kizzykizzywizzykizzykizzywizzy Forumite
    6.9K Posts
    Part of the Furniture
    Hi there
    just thought I'd pop in & say hello again.
    I hope you are looking after yourself, if you are anything like me ( similar situation ) you won't be eating very much, so as people have advised me - you must eat even if it's just some toast or a cuppa soup!!
    You hang on in there, the children are number 1, they didn't ask to be born & they deserve to have a happy stable home, then comes you, you are holding things together because your wife ( understandbly ) is having a hard time, to do this you have to be strong & well, then I'm afraid lastly IMHO is your wife, she is holding all the cards, she is making all the decisions & although poorly is in control at the moment, & so whilst you are hurting ( as I am ) your wife ( & my DH ) know exactly how they are expecting things to go & are not feeling the stress that we are, which is why my DH can sleep for England & I'm still awake now!
    Sorry, no expert & not trying to preach or boss you about, or in any way insult your wife, she must be having a terrible time, just giving an outsiders opinion.
    You take care & I wish my DH would fight for me as you are fighting for your wife - you sound like a really lovely man & she is very lucky ( she just doesn't realise that at the moment ) x
    Comping again - wins so far : 2 V festival tix, 2 NFL tix, 6 bottles of wine, personalised hand soap, Aussie miracle conditioner :beer:

    Married my best friend 15/4/16 :)
  • its all saw awful... i feel so sorry as none of this seems ur fault.... however u said she jsut wants the kids alone and to do things her way were you ant do things wrong, this is oka with her life, thats her choise but they are BOTH your kids, and yo have as much right as her to make decsiosn in there life. welll the 2 yr old i think u said. how would she feel if you said you wanted to tak basically "her whole life" away from her..?? i dont mean to sound horrible and ave mayeb picked it up wrong
    "Lifes a climb - but the view up in fantastic"
    Gina Shoe Challange - £150 14 days - day1 £3.01
  • Steel_2Steel_2 Forumite
    1.6K Posts
    Needofhelp - if it's any consolation at all, I think she is wrong for wanting out but is so messed up she can't see the wood for the trees. Her life will be much tougher without you there doing stuff with the children.

    There'll be no dream fairy tale cottage by the sea on a single person's income, no time to write a book with children under her feet who will be upset at the two of you splitting up. She'll have to do everything on her own.

    She wants to change her life and thinks by getting rid of what's in her current life she'll get there quicker. Just doesn't work like that. You just replace one set of problems with another.

    I'm so sorry it's come to this.

    Has she ever given any indication she wanted to write a book? Perhaps she can take the next few weeks to sit down by herself or go to a library and rough out some ideas. Perhaps directing her thoughts towards something like writing a book or even starting a journal of private thoughts will help her.
    "carpe that diem"
  • Booked to go to the intrum relate metting on Friday at [EMAIL="9@15"]9:15[/EMAIL] if we can get somebody to watch the kids.

    I think the wife wants to write a book about the last 6 months as it has being like somthing from the soaps.

    I think her current rational is, she will get on with what ever the world throws at her. Which she did when the 7 years olds dad left when he was born. And she has done really well since. And just start again.

    The other thing she says is, that she says if we do stay together she will always think "what if we did split up" would we have got back togehter or not, and what would life bring her if we were seperated

    She is torn between her heart and her head. She needs to be byherself, to sort it all out. but for the kids she doesnt want to do it And she does not want to hurt me. But she thinks it will all go bad if we just fake it for the kids. I hope relate can help

    I really do not know, my head is a mess really. I looked at shared houses last nite on gumtree, just to get an idea as what I would looking at. I could no go from living with somebody and 2 kids, to a small flat and just me.

    The busyness and noise to nothing would drive me mad.
  • Well, spoke to her again last nite, and this am, and I just get the impression now is that she wants to be single and play the field again. She wants to be a free spirit...

    She wants the thrill of a new romance and to make her feel special etc. She loves me, and does not want to hurt me but I do not thrill her anymore is the impression I got. (I do still try but with 2 kids, and her working 3 nights a week and 2 days, it can be hard to suprise her, and then she is tired, with long days, and late nites) And she does not fancy me as much as she could fancy somebody else. Or lack of spark, she wants to shine with somebody when she is out (I would love to go out more but the lack of babysitters is a nightmare, we have gone away for a weekend once this year and had 1 nite out) We missed our wedding aniversry and valentines day this year as she was away due to the death.

    She even said that how about an open relationship... just to get it out her system. And to see what happens. (grass is greener on the otherside etc) (not 100% sure if that was a joke or not...but she did then say her head was fked up)

    She seems to forget with all the fun came hurt, and the bloke who walked out on her after 18 months leaving her with a 3 week year old, after 18 months of abuse. And now we have 2 kids. And she is nearly 31 not 21. (but she does look good for her age and can easily pass as 25, and is a 5"6 size 8, so men really are not a problem for her to attract if she wanted to)

    Even if we do split up, I just do not want to see her jump from man to man, then in 6 months regret it all and it be to late. If this had happend with out the last 6 months I would have reacted differently, its just currently I feel she is still all over the place.

    3 months ago, she was saying that she did not even look at other people, and now this. Which could be fair play evaluating life after a death etc. She is going to a spirital churh on Sunday nite to see if that helps her head too.

    As she feels the last 7 years have just drifted along and we went through the motions ? and none of it had any emotions etc. I know I did not drift, I did everything because I wanted to, I admit I should have showen more emotion, and talked to her more but I think she knows me enough to know I would not do things if I did not want to.

    It was her who wanted the perfect house and perfect wedding etc. All of which I agreed with and supported. The only thing I wanted was a happy wife and family.

    But she thinks she only done it as thats whats expected of other people and she just wants to be free of restraints (me) ?!?! (not from me or anybody I know it wasnt...)

    She then says sorry for saying it, as she is messed up and sorry for messing with my head.. If she feels the spark is gone (which I dont, but she does. She said we never had one, but forgets everything from the past) But the good thing is she actually talks to me and says we are best friends, more friends than lovers, I do not know.

    I do not know what else I can do. The first session with relate is on Friday, but its just the intrum meeting... but if it helps us over time work out the reasons for splitting up, it will help my head get round it, and get on with life if I need to without her, as my wife. Which I do not really want to think about at the minute.

    It would be better if I hated her for what she is indicating, but I dont as I still do not think she is thinking straight. and I do love her and want to support her though all of this. Plus the kids needs to get through this as unharmed as possible.
  • ameliarateameliarate Forumite
    7.4K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I think all this is just part and parecel of the depression and confusion. It may well get harder before it gets better. Hang on in there and with the support you have on here, some counselling from Relate, or whoever, you WILL get through this one way or another.
    We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
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