My whole life has gone BANG

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
83 replies 10.8K views
Needofhelp_2Needofhelp_2 Forumite
110 Posts
edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
Were do I start....

Meet wife 7 years ago, bought hour 5 years ago, had daughter 3 years ago, married 1 year ago. (she already had a son from previeous relationship)

PERFECTLY HAPPY

Then 6 months ago, he step dad died sudenly and lives in on a remote scotish island, we live in leeds.

Of course I supported her, i went over for the funeral for a week, but her mam needs lots of help as you would expect. And our son who is 7 had to go to school and the 2 year old was out of routine.

So I came home to give them a normal life as normal.

Over the last 6 months she has spent at least 14 weeks away from home for a week to 10 days at a time. (7 ish times in total)

When she was home she has two jobs, (2 days a week) and a bar job 2 nites a week and had to go sick from one due to the stress of it all. The other was cash in hand and she needed the money, as it was costing nearly 300 a trip over.

6 weeks ago, he mam who has always had problems due to her old high power job, tried to kill herself. She took an overdose and my wife found her the next day. She was OK, and went to her brothers for a week 2 days later, already pre booked, but would not promise she would not do it again.

My wife came home again and was in bits over it, and again of sick, the doctors suggested some medication and a counciller, the wife has gone neither so far.


See was back up again 2 weeks ago, and all sorts was going off. wifes mam got assaulted in pub she works in, seperating her best friends (man/wife) at the end of the night, the next day my wife confronted them and had words. they have then turned round and said her mam fell over drunk and they have witnesses etc.

THEN 2 days later, somebody on the island thinks that my wifes mam / wife is having an affer with there husband. He has being good to them both over the last 6 months, and she is jelourse, decided to put all the car windows then trys to commit suicide....

The whole culture of were my wifes mam is to drink from lunchtime, so my wife does too, this averages about 2 or more bottles of rose wine a day

The next day they came back home as planned, with the island in a wave of gossip.

We were fine till the last 2 days of the trip, the pub argument (wife was not even around for it) and the windows smashing. Then the calls and txt stopped

The wife was quiet when she got back but its a long trip, and its to be expected. the thursday i was at work in the day and she was at the night so we passed in the night. On the friday, I came home and she was still quiet.

Then it happened, I asked her what was wrong and after an hour, she said she did not know, and just did not want to be here, and did not know were she wanted to be. She says life is perfect at home, but just does not know what she wants. And if she stays with me she does not know if she will regret it. But if she goes she might regrest that too.

she does not even know were she wants to go.

She does have a couple of male friends over there, but she has always txt them etc. I know one has always had a thing for her, and I think he has unsettled her

She has stayed with her cousin for the last few nights, to try and sort her head out. I have spoke and seen her a few times as the 2 year old was with her. And we are fine, talking, friendly etc and she still says she loves me. She just needs to sort her head.

She has spoke to her friends and they just think she is mad after they have spoke to her. But the wife says she knows but just does not know why she is feeling like it.

She has had to go back to work now as she is massing up a massive amount off sick time off, My wifes mode is always, either massive ups, or massive downs. She also worrys about silly things randomly, ie the mole is skin cancer. drinking will killer her, ditto smoking, then has a wine and a tab....

I dont want to lose her and think we can sort it out, if she realises what she has. Which she sayd she knows she has. She has agreed at last to go to the doctors on monday, and is letting me go along to make sure she covers everything. As I know she does not always see she has a problem. It took me weeks to get her go in the first place when her stepdad died. As she was virtually broken after it.

If she does go, I can not afford the house, I pay all the bills, and am left with nothing, well less than nothing, as I already trying to get on a DMP.

she can not afford the house, and we are already struggling due to spending nearly £4000 on flights to her mams etc. and loss of pub earnings when she was away.

FYI th e house is already on the market as we were planning to move up to her mams after her step dad died.
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Replies

  • jay11_2jay11_2 Forumite
    3.7K Posts
    Wow, that's a lot of information, poor you, (((hugs))).

    I've recently been in a less complicated version of your wives situation, much easier as our kids are older, financies less complex, and so on. I'm also pretty strong, but felt totally drained emotionally, and sooo torn between my two lots of commitments, in different locations, so can't begin to imagine how hard it's been for you guys!!

    I don't think she's mad, just completley overwhelmed, and probably feeling numb to the point where she can't think clearly any more. I do think going to the docs is the right idea.

    Regarding the money, standard advice is to pay mortgage, any loans secured on the house, and council tax as priorities, feed yourselves and the kids, and keep up with your work. Next pay gas and electric, if you can, followed by water and don't worry too much about other bills (CC and so on). See CRB as soon as you can, and look after you, your wife, and the kids.

    Good luck, I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will reply soon.
    Anytime;)
  • Will they docs just not dismiss it as a relationship break up ?
  • jay11_2jay11_2 Forumite
    3.7K Posts
    Not usually, there's always the odd one (rubbish doctor) of course, but in my experience they're very good where death or serious illness, and caring for bereaved relatives are involved. Really sounds like that's just been too much to manage for her.

    Remember to make a few notes so you don't forget important details, and tell the doc that it all began with step-fathers death, and your wife having to support her mum who lives on a Scottish Island.

    Can't her mum stay with you for a bit? (providing your wife agrees to move back home and is happy to have her stay)
    Anytime;)
  • MipsMips Forumite
    19.8K Posts
    She sounds like she is under alot of pressure.. and you sound like you understand that.. give her time :)

    Is there anyway your wife could have a break from all this hassle? It would do her alot of good no doubt.
    :cool:
  • Debt_Free_ChickDebt_Free_Chick Forumite
    13.3K Posts
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    It's difficult to know from your post how big a part her step-father's death plays in all of this, but bereavement can often be the trigger for all sorts of personal issues and can lead to what your wife is going through.

    Cruse would be a good place to start. The link is to Cruse in Scotland - for England & Wales click here

    You may also find it useful to have a read through the site as it may help you to support your wife.
    Warning ..... I'm a peri-menopausal axe-wielding maniac ;)
  • Sorry to hear of your situation. I can understand that your MIL needs a lot of support right now but would it not be possible for her to come and stay with you in Leeds rather than your wife travelling to Scotland each time? I notice from your post that MIL has a bar job she would need time off from but so does your wife - and she has 2 children at home who need her. If there are a lot of problems for MIL where she lives, perhaps a break at yours would help the dust to settle. The bonus would be having your family together in one place and maybe even your wife could return to her job thus helping to avoid some of the financial concerns you have. That way, not only would your wife be at home, your children would have their normal routine (and familiar things) plus the added bonus of having granny around. If this isn't possible all of the time, how about alternating visits to take some of the pressure off? Just a thought.


    'Live simply so that others may simply live'
  • Tried to get MIL to comedown, but her husband is burried on the island, and her mam is on the island too so needs care. She also has dogs, horses etc that she needs to care for.

    The MIL does not work in a bar, she was just helping out

    her step dad was only 45 and she was around for the whole heart attack, and die thing over 4 weeks and she felt so helpless. But also had to be so strong for her mam and others.

    it was agreed that we she would not go up anymore about 4 weeks ago, after these two trips (one was for wedding aniversery, the other for his birthday) but we were planning on going up for a 2 week holiday in 3 weeks time.

    The wife is staying at her cousins again till sunday night, as the kids are away with grandad.

    I just feel so helpless and lost at the minute. I really do think she will leave as she is so confused
  • ameliarateameliarate Forumite
    7.4K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
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    What a horrible situation for you all.
    Your wife clearly needs some help and the doctors is of course the first port of call.
    No wonder she is feeling confused, she is no doubt torn between wanting to be with her mum and wanting her life back to normal - unless, and I hate to say it - there is something going on with another man?
    Perhaps you two really need to sit down quetly and have a good long talk. Tell her how you are feeling about all this and what you would like to see happen and that you feel all this travelling backwards and forwards is not helping her. Perhaps her mum actually should spend some time on her own to start putting her life together? Perhaps your wife's brother could help out a bit more with MIL if necessary.
    It all sounds very confused from your post and a long calm chat together might help you both get things clearer.
    We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
  • ameliarate wrote: »
    What a horrible situation for you all.
    Your wife clearly needs some help and the doctors is of course the first port of call.
    No wonder she is feeling confused, she is no doubt torn between wanting to be with her mum and wanting her life back to normal - unless, and I hate to say it - there is something going on with another man?
    Perhaps you two really need to sit down quetly and have a good long talk. Tell her how you are feeling about all this and what you would like to see happen and that you feel all this travelling backwards and forwards is not helping her. Perhaps her mum actually should spend some time on her own to start putting her life together? Perhaps your wife's brother could help out a bit more with MIL if necessary.
    It all sounds very confused from your post and a long calm chat together might help you both get things clearer.

    tbh we have done alot of the above. If it is another man from the island. I feel she would tell me. She said she does not want to go back to the island and she wants to sort herself out. If she was playing away she came back hairy.... which is not really her

    She knows she can not really run away to the island as we have two kids and she said she would never take them away from me. I have done some re-search and if it did go to court I do not think she would be able to do that, as I have a stable job, and both kids are in nursery and school . To uproute them would be bad.

    She is away for the weekend now, so its just a waiting game, and a doctors appointment on monday, which may help us.
  • rhemerheme Forumite
    1K Posts
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
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    Agree with other posters the doctors in the first port of call and counselling would be good too.

    Your wife's head must be a mess, what with losing her father and then the attempted suicide of her mother (with no promise not to do it again). What medical support has her mother had?

    Coming to terms with the death of her father is hard enough but your wife must be very confused in getting her head around the situation with her mum. She will probably be feeling very mixed up, hurt and angry at what her mum did and have in her mind that she nearly lost her too.

    The old saying that time is a great healer is true. It does take time to come to terms with situations like this.

    Your wife needs to take some mental and physical time out from all that has been going on. She can't take it all on board herself and will be no use to anyone (least of all herself) if she buckles under the strain.

    You have been through a lot also and sound like a considerate and supportive husband. Stay strong, be patient and it will come right in the end.

    Thinking of you all.
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