Children have fallen out,other parents ,who are friends wont talk to me

Peakma

I started typing a long winded version,but I was getting lost in detail,so Il start again..
(edit okay,still ended up long winded,but I'd appreciate you reading this and where we should go from here.,I hate bad atmospheres and awkwardness)
Basically my two boys age 8 & 9 go to local village school,and mainly hang out together with two other boys who are also 8&9,we have always got on with the parents and have been going to each others birthday parties and houses for years,since playgroup.The other parents are much closer friends and go out for meals and camping together etc,Recently the other 9 year old and my 8 year old have not been getting on so well ( although I didn't really become aware of this untill...) on friday they had abit of a caffuffle at school.My sons version1.)the other 9 year old was pushing him into the wall being a roman soldier or something,my son kept telling him to stop pushing him around,he continued and so my son pushed him back, admittedly harder, and 9 year old,bangs his head on wall,causing a bump.
9 year olds version 2.) my son got him by the head ,under the chin,and rammed 9 year olds head into wall unprovoked.
version 2 seems to be the one the teachers are going with.Although no adults witnessed what happens,and its ones word against the other(my 9 year old says other was pushing first,but they were both being idiots)and I have grilled my 8 year old for what exactly happened , and Ivdo believe him.
the first we heard about this was on friday after school.My partner picked sons up from school,was told of the situation and was wanting to sort it out,so went straight round to the other kids house for my son to apologize and sort out their differences etc,they weren't in and so my partner rang later and left a message expressing his concern.They never returned the call.
My kids were off school with colds on Monday,but when my partner rang to say they weren't coming in the headmaster said the other boy had been in with his Mum scared to come in in case he was attacked again.So on Tuesday morning I had a word with headmaster and said,my sons version,..he was being provoked and pushed back,general kid normal bickering stuff, uniteniontial accidental injury etc.also other recent fighting both my sons have said regarding other boy,who is quite imaginary,and gets into his roles in games-as does my son I admit.e.g other boy has been jabbing them in the throat with fingers.Both parties are quite physical boys.
Anyhow wanted to talk to his Dad after school,but he was avoiding eye contact and was in a large group of other parents,so I left it.I saw the other 9 year old come out run to his Dad all smiles and saying he'd played with my boys today and it was fine,had a good day(so I felt pleased things were getting better and kids making up etc) but his Dad said nothing and just gave him a look of ,(maybe I'm being paranoid....but) "you weren't meant to play with them anymore"
This morning I noticed other 9 year olds Dad in with headmaster,I assume talking about incident.After school his Mum was talking to headmaster for ages,all other parents had left so braved going over to speak,said I was sorry they had had a falling out,whats been going on,how can we sort it out etc.but as far as my son was concerned other boy had been provoking him and he had pushed back thus accidental head banging,and I'm sorry it had happened and just wondered what she believed to of happened.She was really strange with me and didnt want to speak to me ,it was incredibly uncomfortable,considering our children have been friends for so many years,she's even the local midwife and delivered my youngest(daughter nearly 5) at home.I consider her a friend...She said my son had been getting at hers for some time swearing at him,name calling etc and they'd had enough,the first I've heard about it was Friday.They do sometimes clash but because they both want to have top role in games and are both quite dominant,Anyway she told me to keep both my children away from hers and didn't want to discuss it anymore.An was adamant her son had been attacked as apparently witnessed by other children,she didn't wat to be getting calls at work being told her son had suffered serious head injuries due to being attacked by my son,and if I believe my son is innocent thats up to me.I said I didn't think my son was innocent,but that he had told me things differently it was not completely him, unprovoked,and if our children were not getting on,I'd hope that we could speak to each other as friends and help resolve the situation,and(ok maybe I shouldnt of said this but) " the parent who simply believed their child was completely innocent was the deluded parent" and all I want to do is help smooth it over.I dont understand why she is suddenly taking such a strange attitude with me,I'm very approachable and I care if either of our kids are having a hard time at school,I just want all to be happy.It seems mad that kids falling out at school is having a knock on affect of parents having issues.I don't want to feel like there is a bad atmosphere at the school gates and people are taking sides(its a small village and it does get like that,she is well liked and very infleuential-where as we are obvious outsiders with long haired boys!!)I really like the other kid but he can be full on and quite boistrous but thats cool, thats his charachter.He is certainly no victimised little innocent!It feels like they are turning on us and trying to make out my son is an aggressive attacker.It is mad and so trivial really
,but it is driving me crazy.So I gave her a call this evening,someone answered,I said "hello" they hung up! So I called again incase it was accidental and it went to answer machine and I hate leaving answer messages but simply said,something like,"Hi I was hoping we could talk to sort out whatever s been going on,I really don't want there to be any bad atmospheres etc" She hasn't called back and I don't know what to do next as the parents of the other child in the group have definitely given me a wide birth today,and I just cant be doing with trivial falling outs.I feel like I am being gossiped about,by someone I considered a friend,and they are trying to make my son out to be a bad kid at the school.
Where to be honest ,they don't really fit in to well already,and home education is becoming more and more appealing.
Sorry for the rant,that was meant to be the short version!phhheww!
(I've just read this back,and can see the spelling and grammar mistakes,so don't need them pointing out it is late and I am tired and stressed by all this,I cant be bothered to make all the corrections now!so no comments saying I'm incapable of home education please! the main thing that puts us off this is the lack of socializing,but if this is how it tuns out after years of kids being friends!...)
Personaly I think her son doesn't want to come to school because he feels bad for putting all the blame onto my son,when he is aware it wasn't really like that, and he has been lying to cover his own back.

jockettuk

WOW.. my opinion with this kind of thing is that parents shouldnt fall out if kids fight because kids fall back in again always.. but this sounds like the parents have a issue.. I had something similar with my daughter and her best friend at primary school the other mother who i considered a friend was up and down at the school complaining about mine and i only found out through a thrid party (Parent) I went to see the head teacher and was astonished at what my daughter was supposed to have to done to this kid so the headteacher had a distcreet talk to other kids about it all and also watched the kids at play and in the classroom for a few weeks and then hey presto the kid did her stuff but blamed my daughter again went home complained to her mum who went straight up to the school demanding my daughter expelled and got shot down when the head told her he was watching the incident and her daughter wasnt the innocent party.. I was expecting an apology but didnt get one..

If i was you i would speak with the head as they have all done, explain your version and ask they all be monitored so that a repeat of this incident doesn occur, let them see you in with the head as well, they only protecting there children but sounds like it blown out of proportion, kids emotions etc will do that ..

but dont do anything else about the parents as think they have made there decision and untill something else happens that changes that they not going to bother with you.

Paparika

I wouldn't make any more calls to the other parents as its obvious they don't want to talk to you and could turn around and say you are harassing them.

Unfortunately some parents are blinded by their 'perfect kids', some parents think that their little darling is an angel and until proven otherwise......

Indeed go back to the head explain you would like this monitored as you've been told your child has verbal issues and you would like this stamped out.
Explain that you understand that some parents think their kids are perfect angels and you know that this is far from true, and would like both children monitored for 2 weeks to see who really starts the ruckass.

Good luck with this, sometimes there is no getting through some parents, if their little darling said it wasn't them the parents will believe them and look elsewhere to point the finger.

aliasojo

My first thoughts on reading this were that maybe both boys were telling the truth as they saw it.

My daughter is 8 and sometimes she never 'sees' the situation for what it is and gets all indignant about someone doing something or saying something to her. It wont be the first time I've been in the hall listening whilst her and her brother have had issues and I've had to intervene. Often she is genuinely blissfully unaware of her part in the problem until I've talked to her about it and made her role play from her brother's point of view. It's only then she 'gets' it. I know one of my neighbours whose son is the same age, says the same thing. I wonder if it's an age developmental thing?

Anyway, both sets of parents obviously believe their child's version of events and unless it can be proved that one lad is deliberately lying, I dont think you'll ever really get to the bottom of it all. It's not surprising the school are having dealings with the other parents if it's their son who was actually injured.

It sounds like the parents have been simmering about things for a while and this has brought it to a head so you're unlikely to be able to sort it out with one quick friendly chat imo. Also (and I know it was heat of the moment) the comment about being deluded doesn't convey the fact you are friendly and approachable so I expect the other parents have formed an opinion about you and yours and I dont think you're going to change that anytime soon.

Just let it go, you've tried to sort it out. You cant make parents behave in a reasonable manner if they dont want to. However it might be useful to get the school to monitor the situation like Paprika suggests. A lot of school have playground monitors, they might see things that you or the other parents dont?

jess1974

Oh dear, i feel very sorry for you, i also live in a very small rural village, and have 2 boys of similar age to you. I think you have done everything you possibly can to resolve the situation, you are the better person for trying to be adult and mature about it. Like others have said, there will always be parents who blame the other child, whilst believing everything their child tells them(we have several at our school).
I had an incident with my eldest a year ago, it was awful, i felt the whole village was gossiping about us, for a while i dreaded the school runs and could see people smirking. I'm sorry i don't have any practical advice, just wanted to say you've done everything you can and you and your son should hold your heads high...

bestpud

These things always seem worse in small 'community type' schools don't they?

I would definitely speak with the Head and class teacher and say you are concerned their play gets a bit OTT at times. They should be prepared to monitor it.

Good luck with it. Are the two boys friends again now?

You can't make people see the faults in their little darlings and arguing back is likely to result in you being labelled the 'problem'. It really is best to rise above it and continue smiling and being friendly, in the hope the other parents will stop acting like children!!

Jeez, playground politics - I actually wonder if I've gone back to primary school myself with the way some parents behave! I often feel like telling them to take some lessons from their children, as some have better manners than their parents!

bikerqueen

I was horribly bullied by some when I was in the 6th form, one of the key ones was someone I effectively grew up with. My parents are still friends with his parents but I find it hard talking civily to them after what he did - it's possible the other kid is right and your son is in the wrong - I did nothing to provke this teenager but you can bet your bottom dollar if my dad had approached his dad he would have said i did through self preservation.

cheepskate_2

Hi

You don't really know what people are like until there is a problem, seemingly best friends for years can suddenly change in these situations. If your son had been getting at hers for a while I would expect as friends she would have came and talked to you about it.

I wouldn't worry about it much, make sure it is monitored and GO to headmaster with anything this boy does to yours, cos you know the other parent will. Just keep your son right .

I could count loads of these situations with my eldest.
I once had a answer message left on my phone from a mother in regards to my son, swinging her child round by the hair slamming her face into railings and her having clumps of hair out.She informed me I was this terrible parent and should learn parenting skills.
School took the side of parent cos my son was not a little quiet thing and turns out after an investigation that her best friend said all he did was throw a small empty plastic juice bottle at her that missed.

Children tell porkies to stop them getting into trouble, problems arise when parents just accept the fact.

Just a quick end note to say, from my experience most of these children that mum/dad/granny/great granny etc cant see past turn out to get into more trouble in teenage years as parents put the blame onto everyone else and little johnnie thinks this is how you go through life, i know so many from my sons primary school that have turned out pretty badly and were the supposedly " nice kids".

Wouldnt bother ot talk to the parents about it cos they dont want to hear it.

izoomzoom

I agree with other posters in that I think you should just leave things to be. Forget about the parents, and if the 'boys' make up, well they make up.

In the realm of things, this 'fall out' has happened for a reason - for both yourselves as adults as well as for the children, and it may be years before you see the 'big picture' (or at least from your own perspective ...)

Dill

It's a shame the parents seem to want to deal with the situation by demonising your child (who was, by the sounds of things, just being a child) and you.

If she's talking about fears of her son getting a 'head injury' at school it sounds like this mother is really concerned.. but in that case she really needs to be reassured by teachers or the head that it was just a kiddies playground ruckus that perhaps got a bit out of hand? Maybe the parents of this other boy genuinely are angry, hurt and concerned about what (they think) happened. It's up to them if they choose not to have anything to do with you, but getting the other parents on their side and excluding you smacks of playground tactics in itself!

You’ve done everything you can to reconcile with them and to try and resolve the situation, so now I'd say just be firm about it. Make it clear to all concerned that you and your family will not kowtow to them, or fall for their tactics, (excluding/ignoring you, etc..) and you’re not going to go away, whatever they choose to think about you. Meanwhile it’s horrible for you, but just try to rise above it. Hopefully it’ll soon blow over.

Peakma

Thanks for all replies,it is still doing my head in!!
Saw her leaving school this morning whilst I was taking mine,She had a very unfriendly manor about her and said she has told her son to stay away from both my children and he is still really upset about it,I said I'm sorry all this is happening with the kids,and suggested it might be helpful if we as adults could talk calmly about it without the children around.And tried to tell her how my son said it had happened.She wasn't prepared to listen,and said there was no point in us talking it over.I said having a bad attitude towards me,isn't going to help our children resolve their differences.
My other son (9)who has been best friends with 9 year old with banged head since they were small,is really upset about it all and doesn't know why they are turning on him.( they have always been lovely with him and he's had many good times with their family).He was the first to comfort him immediately after his head got banged,and says both my his friend and brother were both being idiots.I beieve him 100% and know he wouldn't lie about a serious event.I do think my son pushed back harder than nesecary,but this is after hes been pushed a few times.I don't think he grabbed the other boy by his head and rammed him into a wall,unprovoked like is been made out,I think the head banging is a result of being pushed back.
My two boys are very different eldest(9) is very calm,fair gentle,and the younger (8) is a lot more boisterous,loud and full on.I'm the first to admit he can be very challenging, and can go too far.The other boy is quite dominating and likes to be in control of any games,decides who is which character( himself always the best,of course) and how everyone else should play there role,and he gets quite sulky if people dont play along his way.I guess this is where the clash comes into action,my eldest is quite happy to go along with things his way,where as my youngest will say NO, and try to have his own input.
They invited both my boys to a party about 3/4 years ago,when my youngest was going through quite a difficult behaviour patch,( I warned them at the time ,and offered to go along too,they said it would be fine)and he was hard work at the party,since then they have always excluded him( day trip parties where all the rest of the group of friends invited)Which although we weren't very comfortable with,didn't want the elder to miss out as he is actually the same year group,and it is good for them to do things separately.
Been into school today as helped with the swimming,and had chance to have quick chat again with the head,who says it has been going on for some time,other parents coming in complaining about my 8 year old.but the first I heard about it was Friday.(I dont know why she felt she couldn't mention it to me in person,as I will not tolerate my kids bullying others) To be fair my kids have also been saying to me certain niggles between each other, little fights that have been going on,and I've tried to play it down ,rather than blow it well out of proportion.
School has been separating them into different playgrounds,and this incident happened on Friday when they were in the in between playground about to be separated, and was witnessed by no adults.
I told the head if my son has been causing other boy upset,calling him names,being rude and telling him he is fat,then I need to know about this,because I wont tolerate my son behaving this way(but I really think this is a two way thing,its just the other boys parents are making it out to be only my son).
I expressed I am just as concerned that her son is happy at school as I am my son.I just want everyone friends and no bad feelings,between kids or parents.
The head told me that the other day both the boys ran out to play together quite happily,but he had to call the other boy back as he had agreed this with his parents.So it seems to me the kids want to make up and get back to how things were.
Head says she is threatening to take him to another school.
I have suggested a meeting with both sets of parents,class teacher and head,to try and talk things out.
I am quite shocked by how shes behaving towards me,and I am feeling like other parents are looking at me differently like I am been talked about,which in a small village makes things very awkward.
And to be honest I know she has had other issues with the school and head,with her older son,as before ours started there she made it quite clear she didn't like him or get on with him, so it is clearly in her nature to try and sway peoples opinions on others.I have always considered her a fair person and good judge of character, so I was expecting not to like him either,thinking well if she doesn't get on with him,he must have quite a bad side.But to be honest he seems very fair.
But going on this I am concerned she will try and sway others against us.
It just needs sorting out,before it is completely blown out of proportion.It is effecting all the kids,including their mutual friends who are having to take it it turns who they play with.( and I am concerned their parents,will hear her version of events and exclude my children).
I wont try and ring again,as I don't want to appear to be harrasing them,I will be civil and,hopefully things will settle.The whole situation is making me really upset and uncomfortable,but I think I have done things properly,where as they are just refusing to comunicate with us,or be friendly.
It's funny how you only get to see someones true colours when something like this happens! All these years and she's just been pretending to be a nice person!
Two more hours to go and they've got 10 days off for half term!