Advice Needed - Meeting the parents - what to expect?

galvanizersbaby

Hi

I'm really after some advice/opinions on meeting my BF's asian parents for the first time
I am divorced with children and have been with my B/F for over 2 years now (he has no children of his own) but he has never told his parents about me due to the fact he is asian and they would never accept or approve of me due to the fact that I am english and have previously been married and have children. They are due a visit (they currently live abroad) next month and we have decided to come clean though he is not sure of what to expect - i.e. he knows they will be unhappy with his decision to be with me but he is hoping they will accept it.
I can understand any parent wanting the best for their child and being less than delighted that they have chosen somebody like me but we are very happy and want to make a life together (we are both in our 30's)
I want to be as supportive for him as I possibly can be but have no idea how severe their reaction is likely to be and what to expect! - can anybody offer any opinions/advice (especially anybody that's been in a similar situ!)

crank_girl

I've experienced similar and would suggest keeping on open mind. There is nothing you can do before the event to influence how they might react and carrying in negative expectations might make the situation more difficult than it needs to be. Just keep in your mind that whatever happens its not about you - they don't yet know you so its not personal.

Good luck!

Gingernutmeg

Like crank_girl says, keep an open mind and don't get upset if anything's said or done that's hurtful - remember it's not personal.

Seems to me that there's two ways to handle this - option 1 is maybe your bf can speak to them before you meet ... might be better than a 'ta-dah, here's my new girlfriend' situation. Or, you can all meet and see how they take it. How you handle it really depends on his parents and how he thinks they'll react, whether they're the kind of people who'll be better with warning or not. I do think it might be best if they know that at the very least, he HAS got a girlfriend ...

galvanizersbaby

Gingernutmeg wrote: »

Like crank_girl says, keep an open mind and don't get upset if anything's said or done that's hurtful - remember it's not personal.

Seems to me that there's two ways to handle this - option 1 is maybe your bf can speak to them before you meet ... might be better than a 'ta-dah, here's my new girlfriend' situation. Or, you can all meet and see how they take it. How you handle it really depends on his parents and how he thinks they'll react, whether they're the kind of people who'll be better with warning or not. I do think it might be best if they know that at the very least, he HAS got a girlfriend ...

Thanks crank girl and Gingernutmeg - definitely will be using option 1 as they will need warning - think they have a good idea he has a girlfriend who they wouldn't approve of but apparently I would be their worst nightmare:p so who knows how they will respond.
They wanted him to have an arranged marriage to a suitable party and have been trying to arrange this through the internet via other parents for him so this has been rather stressful all round! - B/F has now informed them that their efforts are not appreciated but previously this hasn't halted them in their quest as they have told him that being his age and single apparently isn't an option - I'm unsure of how they will be able to deal with the situ what with their cultural beliefs and morals - in one way I will be relieved that I do exist in their eyes whether they like/accept it or not but on the other hand quite worried about B/F as they may try and disown him! :eek:

asea

um.. hi..

I've been in a similar position to your boyfriend & understand how difficult it can be for both of you. My poor other half has to deal with my very strict Middle Eastern family & it isn't easy!

Firstly just remember that he has chosen YOU! Don't forget it, it's very difficult for anyone with those pressures to go against their culture, family & community - even when they are 100% committed to their decision, so be heartened by that!

Secondly, as Crank Girl has already said, there isn't much you can do to influence them. The best you can do is to prepare yourself and to present yourself in the best light possible and hope for the best. Also, your OH may need a little emotional support afterwards if things get a little difficult. I've been disowned & undisowned & to be honest it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!

Things might turn out well though, you may be pleasantly surprised!

Good Luck

bryanb

Dress modestly!

asea

I forgot to say they are probably just as nervous about meeting you as you are them!!

galvanizersbaby

Thanks asea - most of my friends and family don't seem to understand how difficult it is for my B/F to go against his parents - they just consider that he's in his mid thirties not a child and should be able to stand up for himself - I can appreciate it's not as straightforward for him as that.

His mother seems to use emotional blackmail fairly freely and has blamed his older brother for a lot of her worsening health probs (his brother has been living with his english G/F for 8 years) and warns my B/F that if he lets her down as she puts it, it may push her over the edge health wise which I know concerns my B/F

I know that his parents have his best interests at heart (well what they consider to be best anyhow) but I can't help but feel some anger/sadness at the way they treat their own

Tee hee Bryanb - fortunately I am not the sort of individual who ever dresses anything less than modestly

Ellie2758

Good luck. The blackmail sounds very familiar - hope your BF is strong enough to ignore it. Not easy. Let us know how you get on.

wannabe_a_mum

Emotional blackmail - and the old trick about health problems is a routine occurrence in asian culture.....it doesn't just happen in Bollywood films!!!

(I speak from experience - being a british born asian.....hence I vow NEVER to set foot on Indian soil ever again!)

asea

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Thanks asea - most of my friends and family don't seem to understand how difficult it is for my B/F to go against his parents - they just consider that he's in his mid thirties not a child and should be able to stand up for himself - I can appreciate it's not as straightforward for him as that.

His mother seems to use emotional blackmail fairly freely and has blamed his older brother for a lot of her worsening health probs (his brother has been living with his english G/F for 8 years) and warns my B/F that if he lets her down as she puts it, it may push her over the edge health wise which I know concerns my B/F

I know that his parents have his best interests at heart (well what they consider to be best anyhow) but I can't help but feel some anger/sadness at the way they treat their own

Tee hee Bryanb - fortunately I am not the sort of individual who ever dresses anything less than modestly

It's sad but that's the way that it is sometimes. I completely understand it and how difficult it can be. I have been through exactly the same thing but being a girl, I think it has been even more difficult than it might be for a boy. His parents sound very similar to alot of people I know who sadly (& rather pathetically IMO) resort to emotional blackmail as that is all that they have & quite often it is all that they know themselves from their parents - there are many many different cultures (including this one!) that has people who behave like that. The blackmail makes it very difficult to stand up to them but it can be done! Sometimes they even mellow about a bit with age (like my parents) but I understand that not everyone is as lucky as I have been.

I'm not sure where your boyfriend's parents family are from & what religion they practise? I know quite alot about Islamic cultures but not too much else if you need any more info on that.