Husbands changed - Please asdvise

ljcpdc

MY husband has completely changed over the last 5 years from being great company to only discussing the credit crunch & how it will affect us. Talks to me like he hates me but claims he loves me, he's turned into a really "deep" soul which I don't enjoy coming home to any more.

I have fallen for someone else who has feelings for me too - everyone who has seen us together says he & I have got a connection. He has refused to make me choose what to do, says he'll stand by my decision whatever it is.

I promised my husband I would love him unconditionally forever - but he now isn't the person I married. He doesn't want me to move out but says he'll let me go if I need to. My parents & extended family always tell me how lucky I am to have him but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm dammed if I do & I'm dammed if I don't.

I'm early 30's, no kids....please advise. Thankyou.

bargainbird

If your not happy, You can do something about it,. You haven't got any children to think about...and your still young,


Life really is too short

Craftyscholar

ljcpdc wrote: »

MY husband has completely changed over the last 5 years from being great company to only discussing the credit crunch & how it will affect us. Talks to me like he hates me but claims he loves me, he's turned into a really "deep" soul which I don't enjoy coming home to any more.
I'm early 30's, no kids....please advise. Thankyou.

Are you financially secure? No debts, income greater than expenditure - so no real concern whatever happens with the credit crunch? If so sounds as if there may be something else worrying him.

If you have debts/large mortgage, uncertain income - then he may just be concerned about your future and trying to look after both of you.

debs66_2

what you're actually doing is asking someone's permission to leave. i'm sorry, but only you can make that decision.

that said, when i was 32 i asked my husband of 11+ years for a divorce (we'd been together 16 yrs). we had 2 young kids, a small business, house, no debts apart from the mortgage, but no savings either.

he hadn't changed, but i had. i had grown up, and he hadn't. i was so unhappy and knew if i stayed my life would be in a rut for eternity. my life since has improved dramatically, but because I improved it on my own.

my tip for anyone thinking about leaving is to leave for YOU, not for someone else, ie a new partner. don't fall into the 'grass is greener' trap. you admit yourself that your hubby was once great company. it takes two to make company, have you been pulling your weight in that department, or did you just find someone else?

i'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you could jump and find the fall not as soft as you might imagine. and starting afresh isn't easy, especially in the beginnning.

when i asked for a divorce, i had not already met anyone else. i also didn't care about selling my house, which my late dad extended and worked on, and how i'd manage as a single mum. i didn't care because i just didn't want to be with my husband. anything was better. i bought my own house, and eventually met someone else, but we didn't move in together for nearly 4 years.

if you did not have this new guy, would you still consider leaving and starting out alone? if you would, then you have answered your own question.

re family/friends, you will find out the ones who really care for you if you go it alone.

hobo28

Sounds to me you are looking for someone to tell you its ok to leave your husband. Thats a decision you alone must make.

Good luck

Gingham_Ribbon

ljcpdc wrote: »

MY husband has completely changed over the last 5 years from being great company to only discussing the credit crunch & how it will affect us. Talks to me like he hates me but claims he loves me, he's turned into a really "deep" soul which I don't enjoy coming home to any more.

I have fallen for someone else who has feelings for me too - everyone who has seen us together says he & I have got a connection. He has refused to make me choose what to do, says he'll stand by my decision whatever it is.

I promised my husband I would love him unconditionally forever - but he now isn't the person I married. He doesn't want me to move out but says he'll let me go if I need to. My parents & extended family always tell me how lucky I am to have him but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm dammed if I do & I'm dammed if I don't.

I'm early 30's, no kids....please advise. Thankyou.

You're having an affair, your marriage is no longer exciting to you. Your husband knows about the affair and is prepared to stand by you and work things out.

And you want other people to make the decision for you?

I don't know you or your husband but to be honest unless there's more to it than you've said it sounds to me like 5 years down the line you may well be yawning over this new guy too and looking for the next one to spark your interest?

loftus

ljcpdc wrote: »

MY husband has completely changed over the last 5 years from being great company to only discussing the credit crunch & how it will affect us. Talks to me like he hates me but claims he loves me, he's turned into a really "deep" soul which I don't enjoy coming home to any more.

I have fallen for someone else who has feelings for me too - everyone who has seen us together says he & I have got a connection. He has refused to make me choose what to do, says he'll stand by my decision whatever it is.

I promised my husband I would love him unconditionally forever - but he now isn't the person I married. He doesn't want me to move out but says he'll let me go if I need to. My parents & extended family always tell me how lucky I am to have him but they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm dammed if I do & I'm dammed if I don't.

I'm early 30's, no kids....please advise. Thankyou.

Well seeing as the credit crunch has only really been news for the last 6 months or so he was either psychic or you are comparing your feelings for this new person - the exciting buzz of a new relationship - to your feelings for your husband - a longer, more settled relationship.
I suspect it isn't him who has changed dramatically, but your feelings for him because of the new person in your life.
Only you can decide what direction you can take here - not the approval or disapproval of an internet forum.

yoni_one

I agree with Debs in that such a huge life-changing decision needs to be considered from the angle of doing it for you and only you.

One problem that can arise when people leave for someone else is that the pressure is on for the new person to 'make them happy'. You have already discovered that people can change in a relationship and no matter how loved up you are now this is not normally sustained forever and in less happy times it is not uncommon to blame the new person or even resent them in a 'I gave up everything for you' kinda thing.

It is a lot of responsibility on a new partner when the decision to break up a marriage is 'for them'.

Also trust can become an issue when a relationship starts with one partner having an affair and the other one willing to enter a relationship with a married person. After all the excitement has died down both are aware the other has previously been a willing participant and it can raise insecurities.

If your marriage is a bad one then get out, if it is just a matter of not feeling fulfilled right now then speak to your OH about it, whatever you decide to do I strongly suggest you consider all your options and consider what choices you would make if there were not another person waiting in the wings.

squidge60

you loved your husband once so why cant you again .hes changed but why has he or is some of it youre bored or your relationship has lost its edge.tbh your reasons sound petty.how can people say you have a connection with the other guy noone else knows what you are both like when you are alone.dump the other guy save what you have if its worth saving but all the time you have someone else in your life it is going to cloud your judgement and you dont really sound really positive 100% either way unless like other posters have said you want someone to tell you to leave your husband .people change i am sure i didnt nag so much as i do now :rotfl:

Paparika

You see the grass is greener on the other side....or is it.

Have you and your husband had a holiday in the last few years, if not maybe one is due.

I think you need to sit down and have a really good talk and listen session with your husband, maybe on some neutral ground , listen to him and talk with him.

Perhaps a mediator like relate may be considered

ladypinkof66

I was in a very similar situation many years ago when i left my then so boring husband for a more excitable man i had met at work, me and hubbie had grown apart we had been together for 10 years but married for 1 we also had no children, i upped sticks and left and thought the grass was greener on the other side, the guy at work we seen each other for a few years however he had no intention on making any comittment to me, i then went through alot of failed relationships over the years and at times did really regret leaving my hubbie - i was 28 when i left and now i am 42 and have only just managed to find a nice reliable man and we are getting married next year, unfortunately it may be too late for me to have a family, my answer to you is yes really think about what you are doing as this man you have met may not come up trumps and you may find yourself in a similar situation to myself and before i met my current partner i think that i should have stayed with my husband we had got into a bit of a rut and maybe we could have got ourself out of it, however if you have made your decision then no amount of words from anyone on here may not be able to change your mind.