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a letter for the bank

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Funny Money
2 replies 2.3K views
cathy_3cathy_3 Forumite
1.5K posts
edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Funny Money
I go this is an e mail dont know if youve seen it


Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian. This has to be first, a
laughing Bank Manager!!

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs for the future, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter man 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; Let me level the playing field
even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will
notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the
only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:
I. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password
will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8.To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've
chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the bank's are made
of marble, with a guard at every door and the vaults
are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising
material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries
from the Authorised Contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent
in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will
be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will
be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

Replies

  • AllyAlly Forumite
    5.8K posts
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ✭✭✭✭
    I am glad you posted this - I have been trying to get hold of a copy since 97' when I first read it, but silly as I am, I never got a copy and forgot where I saw it!!

    Thank you, it is brilliant ;D ;D
    Ally
    I can say whatever I like here ... 'cos no one can see me .. ner ner ner ner ner !!!....

    How do you know I ain't sitting here butt naked?!?!

    I thunk I've made you think for a minute!
    :j :rotfl: :j
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