a family issue

parsnips

my sister and i fell out 10 years ago, and no matter how many times we would resolve our differences we would always fall out again, it got to the point that if i said one little word out of place she would fly off the handle at me , once she even tryed to break down my door, i had to call the police i was that distraught by it. well now my daughter asked me if she could get to know my sisters daughter (her cousin) she wants to ring her and meet her on a regular basis. i know my sister would not object to this, but i feel if my daughter wants to know her cousin more upset would get caused as the past may get brought up. i feel so upset and all memorys came flooding back, and last night i had a good cry. i really dont want my daughter getting involved with that side of the family, but i feel guilty if i try to stop her getting to know her cousin, i asked her to wait till she was older because feelings are still raw in my heart.(she is 12 at the mo)

what is your advice please? i really dont know what to do.

katiepops_2

Perhaps this could be the opportunity you need for all your differences to be resolved.

Why don't you ring or write to your sister and explain that your daughter wants to get to know her cousin, and you think that you both should encourage the relationship. Tell her that you've always regretted that you and her haven't had a good relationship over the years, and ask if she would be prepared to put the past behind you both and make a fresh start.

You could add how much you love her despite your differences, and tell her that you are prepared to work hard with her to put your relationship back on track so that your daughters can also have a relationship.

If she doesn't respond to that, then at least you know you've tried to build bridges for your daughter's sake, even if she doesn't want to know. Does your sister suffer from depression? Her behaviour (flying off the handle and trying to break down doors) sounds very much like the sort of state that I sometimes get into - it's like a rage that comes out of nowhere, and my poor family are frightened to breathe in the wrong direction when I'm like that!

Really, the only way to stop all the feelings of sadness you have is to try and move on - the past is in the past, so let it stay there. If it helps, you could tell your sister how much her past bad behaviour hurts you - it would probably be helpful to say that you hate to see her so angry/distraught.

I used to have a really bad relationship with my older sister, but time, distance and growing up really helped, and we get on well now.

Good luck.

Kate

parsnips

i understand what your saying but my sister has hurt me once to often and i wont let her hurt me ever again, i cant let my sister back into my life, she disowned me, and no matter what i did to try and get my sister back she wouldnt have a bar of it, now i am going to stand strong. i really dont want my daughter to have anything to do with that side of the family, i know im selfish, but if they stay away i know i can cope, but i also feel what right have i to stop my daughter seeing her cousin.

skylight

Why dont you let your daughter see her cousin??
She may not even like her!

As the end of the day they are related - buts thats it. Just because they are related doesn't mean that they automatically become friends. I see my cousins only at family gatherings and when we pass in the street. I know them, but thats it. We are always friendly and polite and I enjoy seeing them, but that is as far as it goes.

If you let your daughter see her cousin, then you can keep an eye on things, make sure that they meet at a mutal place and you know shes not going behind your back at any point.

rchddap1

It sounds to me that you have already made your decision, but I would urge you to think very carefully about this. How would your daughter feel if you said to her that she can't see 'that side of the family'? Would she resent you? Would she go behind your back?

This isn't really about your relationship with your sister, but is instead about your relationship with your daughter.

NAR

Why dont you let your daughter see her cousin? She wants to get to know her (your words). What has happened in the past was between you and your sister. Why should this be continued down another generation?
I know this may give you painful reminders about the past, but why should your daughter be deprived of a relationship with her cousin?
Sorry if this is not the answer you wanted to hear, but I know of children in exactly the same situation who have lost out on family relationships due to parental disputes. IMHO family is very important.
When you and your sister are dead are they still not going to be allowed to have a relationship?
Let your dispute stay with your generation and be thankful that the children don't suffer the heartache that you have.

Cariad_3

Parsnips,
I totally emphasise with some of your feelings- I've had similiar experiences but thankfully have managed to put things back on track after 10 years plus with some family members.
if you have decided that you do not wish to revisit the past then don't, although if you are still very emotional it sounds as though you haven't quite come to terms with your decision. It sounds as though you are still grieving for the loss of your relationship with your sister. Sometimes it's easier to say you love the person but do not like their behaviour, I find that helps me.
Let your daughter see her cousin but on neutral ground so you don't have to see her. After all, your daughter will have lots of schoolfriends you may never meet. I would try and not discuss the past with your daughter just keep your explanation simple as to why you do not see your sister.
It is a difficult situation but try and not make it more difficult by worrying about it or making a big issue of it (easy to do when it comes to our emotions) Your daughter is not being disloyal, she merely wishes to meet her family.Ask your daughter not to tell you about the contents of her visit, again just keep it simple. Enquire has she enjoyed herself and that is it.The less you know the less info to worry about it.
At the beginning it will be difficult but it will be easier after time & as someone else said they may not even like one another or stop seeing each other after awhile.
Be clear with what you feel is acceptable to your daughter at the beginning ie. she can visit the cousin but you would rather not she visits her house where your sister is etc Don't forget as parents we are a role model to our children so all this is a learning for your daughter too and how you respond to this crisis is teaching her life strategies for the future.
I really hope this works out for you, this is a difficult situation but you sound very caring and I'm sure you can work this out in a way this suits you and your daughter.

parsnips

Cariad,
Thanks for your kind words, i did the decent thing and picked up the phone and asked my sister for her daughters mobile number, when my daughter got home i gave her the number and she text her right away, god, i was crushed inside, this is killing me, but i am not going to let my daughter miss out on a cousin, your right when you say i dont want to know the in's and out's, everytime i heard my daughters phone let her know she had a text it killed me inside. Maybe next time i will tell her to text in her room. It may seem strange to people why i am so upset, but after 10 years wounds still havn't healed. It took me this to realise she can still affect me in this way. I hope things will get better soon, as i still feel tearful.

Ellie2758

I dont know my cousins because my mum and her sister fell out too many times. I only heard my mum's side of the story (and precious little of that as she found it too upsetting to discuss). I have four cousins, only one of whom I met when I was tiny. It is a real shame and I think the op is very brave and courageous to take the course she is taking with her daughter.

Ellie

PS no cousins on the other side either as they lived in Australia and we lost touch. sob

trafalgar_2

Ellie2758 wrote:

I dont know my cousins because my mum and her sister fell out too many times. I only heard my mum's side of the story (and precious little of that as she found it too upsetting to discuss). I have four cousins, only one of whom I met when I was tiny. It is a real shame and I think the op is very brave and courageous to take the course she is taking with her daughter.

Ellie

PS no cousins on the other side either as they lived in Australia and we lost touch. sob

aw that's a shame Ellie,can't you make contact yourself through other relatives,grandad,granma maybe..................it's a shame when families splinter

Ellie2758

I'd love to Trafalgar but I am worried about the effect on my mum, who has dementia, and also worried about the reception from cousins' family. If what they have been told about us is anything like what we have been told about them......... I could do it without telling my mum but that would be a bit sneaky wouldnt it? Trouble is, I have only heard one side of the story, as I say.

Ellie