Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair to ask my daughter to repay the money I gave her and her ex-husband?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks…

My daughter and son-in-law were heavily in debt 20 years ago. I paid almost £6,000 off one of their credit cards and gave them substantial sums to help elsewhere. They've since divorced and their home is now on the market. I've since found out her ex-husband controlled everything and lived like a playboy. I’m nearing retirement, and that money would be a great help to me - yet they've never tried to repay it. Given that my daughter's been through a hard time, walking out of her home of 28 years with her belongings in bin bags, would it be unreasonable to ask her to pay me back from her share of the house sale proceeds?

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RobfromCornwall

A gift is something you give. You don’t get it back if you change your mind.

lincroft1710

If you lent the money 20 years ago and have made no effort to ask for repayment, the debt is statute barred, so in law you have no right to ask for the money to be repaid.

In any case as you lent money to both of them, surely your daughter is only responsible for half of the debt. You are also vague about the total amount you lent them. Are you sure she/they understood these were loans, not gifts.

Finally, until the house is actually sold you will not know how much your daughter will receive or how much she will need for her new life.

In short, it may not be reasonable to ask her to repay the money.

CapeTown

You say you gave them money over 20 years ago. That was kind of you. If you expand that word.. gave becomes gift. Your daughter has had a hard time and is now free of a controlling marriage . Don't add to her burden.

CapricornLass

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. Over 20 years ago is too long to ask for the money back. Just be glad for your daughter's sake that she is now getting free of an abusive marriage.

Missy15

I just can't believe you are even thinking of that question, let alone asking strangers for their opinion.

Put yourself in your daughter's shoes, how would you react if your mother/ father asked for money back after all those years?

Sorry but the answer is a definite no as far as I am concerned.

keithyno.1

You say they've never tried to repay the money, but nowhere in your email does it say you actually LENT it to them. Like others have already said, it appears that technically you gifted the money to them (you even stated you GAVE them sums to help, in addition to the £6,000 you paid off their credit card). I can appreciate that repayment of these monies from the house sale would help you out financially but your daughter would be well within her rights to refuse your request on the basis that they were gifted, not loaned. And it certainly sounds like she needs the money more than you. Just let it go.

Groom

if your daughter has had the courage to walk out of a controlling marriage after 30 years, please don’t `add to her stress by asking her for money. Unless it was made clear the money was only a loan, you can’t ask for it back now. Even if you do, they both need to repay it, not just her.

Simon_the_saver_2

IF your daughter ends up financially comfortable, and IF at some time in the future you are struggling, you might consider reminding her of your help back in the past. But it would be very unreasonable to ask for it now.

pragmatism

It is curious that you are even contemplating extracting money from your abused, vulnerable, traumatised daughter who is unlikely to have had any influence on how their income was spent.

If you want really are convinced you are entitled to payback of long ago money gifts I would suggest you chase out the big playboy spender.

TheAstralBee

If you 'gave' it, and didn't 'loan' it, then there was never any understanding it needed to be paid back.

Also, no matter how it was misused, you gave it to them as a couple and now they are divorcing, everything of theirs is about to be split. If it had been a debt, only half of it would be your daughter's liability.

The moral dilemma rests with your daughter, really. If you need the money now, perhaps let her know, then she could think about repaying it.

You could always knock it off her inheritance.