Working at my dads business....I have had enough!!!

leighavfc

hi all
I have been working at the family business since the day i left school. I quite enjoy the job, have got to know many customers suppliers and other contacts in our line of work too.

My biggest problem is my dad.... we get on but dont at the same time..
He is quite hard to deal with at times (which is around 50% of the time in all honesty). He is so volatile at times and really annoys me and sets me off too, admittedly i have a bad temper too. Generally i only lose my temper when he starts me off either with his general mood or the way he reacts and talks to me about things. Yes there are days when outside problems influence my mood but this is not very often in all honesty. Many people over the years have left purely because of my dad and the way he is, this including some good friends of mine.

Yesterday we had a massive row about a job i was doing which has left me not actually wanting to do the job or work with him ever again.. in fact at this moment in time i dont want to speak to him again after years and years of this.
 i had told him earlier in the day i would have the job i was doing finished by the end of the day. He was fine with that and i carried on as normal.. later on he said how long you got left? I replied i had 50 odd parts to finish, which i was still absolutely sure i would get done. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.. i didnt react and just carried on. Minutes later he came up and said let me show you how to speed up... yes ok i said. I watched him take twice as long to do one part. Once finished i said im doing them in half the time, i dont see what the problem is? The job is correct? He didnt really have an answer to that, he then turns and says something along the lines of you cant help but argue with me can you? I said im sorry but your telling me to speed up yet im doing them in half the time the "faster" way is taking. 

After a couple of minutes of debating this he starts getting all personal, which is exactly how most of our arguments go and generally when ive shut his original argument down. He starts accusing me of take take take off him all the time (more on this later in the post) .We both started getting irate, in the end i told him to shut the f**k up and let me get on, which immediately it all stopped. I carried on and funnily enough i finished the job. I decided to pack up as it was home time and walk out without saying a word to him on the way out as i was still absolutely fuming with him, this mainly because i didnt want to row anymore and wanted to get away from him. 

The reason he had said to me you take take take all the time was at this moment due to my car which was brought through the business had a few issues over the past few weeks. It was an expensive fix of about £1200, which i had offered to pay of course but my mom had said dont worry il pay for it. Again i offered to pay which she point blankly refused and said dont worry ive got it. If i ever lend money i pay it back always!!

Me and my partner struggle with money due to debts i have run up over the years and being absolutely useless with money. I am slowly getting better but dont really have any spare cash fund or anything currently for times like this.. of course this all my problem/fault and i completely hold my hands up to and im trying to work on it. 

I decided that i no longer want to owe my dad anything or be accused of "take take take" and left my keys on his desk to the car with the intention of telling him to sell it whilst i made my own arrangements to purchase/hire a new vehicle or use public transport/walk in the meantime whilst i got to a situation where i could afford to do so. This is not because im ungrateful or anything, i just dont want it to be used as some sort of stick to beat me with, which i find really unfair. 


This morning my mom offered me a lift to work, on the way in i started discussing what had happened the day earlier, to which we started arguing too. Admittedly i was still really annoyed and probably should have just left it... but after 16 years of this at work i couldnt do it anymore. Eventually we got to traffic lights i picked up my bag and walked off. I then text my dad to say stuff your job and dont speak to me again... yes again completely wrong on my part and rather stupid due to worldwide circumstances currently but i have had enough of it now. I really dont want to work another day with him ever again... i dont know what to do... 

oh_really

Is there a question?

leighavfc

oh_really said:

Is there a question?

Probably not in all honesty. I just needed somewhere to vent! Im not sure anyone can advise me on how to go about this either. But i would welcome any advise if anybody has any!

connors07

At the end of the day he is your father and you are his son. Tomorrow is never promised. In these pretty depressing times for many of us it feels like we are just living to work. We're all stressed and constantly being fed fear. If something was to happen to either one of you the other would be gutted and would regret how things ended. Sounds like I have a similar relationship with my father (minus the work side) to what you both have. I don't fall asleep on an argument no matter what. I'll apologise when I know the blame is both ways. It is empowering and in my opinion when both parties have a stalemate it ends with both apologising (most of the time... there will be exceptions of course).

The work side, that needs a mature discussion but once bridges are mended and peace has broken out otherwise it'll just end in an argument.

Good luck!

ssparks2003

I worked with my parents for 12 years, I know its hard. You have had your vent and no doubt your father has done something similar about his child. But the question is what next? What are you going to do for an income? And what are you going to do in regard to family relations?  I would suggest that you need to consider both very hard and quickly. 

leighavfc

connors07 said:

At the end of the day he is your father and you are his son. Tomorrow is never promised. In these pretty depressing times for many of us it feels like we are just living to work. We're all stressed and constantly being fed fear. If something was to happen to either one of you the other would be gutted and would regret how things ended. Sounds like I have a similar relationship with my father (minus the work side) to what you both have. I don't fall asleep on an argument no matter what. I'll apologise when I know the blame is both ways. It is empowering and in my opinion when both parties have a stalemate it ends with both apologising (most of the time... there will be exceptions of course).

The work side, that needs a mature discussion but once bridges are mended and peace has broken out otherwise it'll just end in an argument.

Good luck!

Thank you for this connors07
I agree with you all you say, and god forbid anything happens before we sort this out.

In all honesty we get on outside of work as he isn't nowhere near as bad or stressed at home! This is what frustrates me the most as he is a complete different person at work and actually causes more stress and pressure being the way he is whilst there. This is why i am considering leaving the family business, i have been thinking about it for a while in all honesty but due to money issues i haven't actually been able to as of yet. I will be doing a lot of thinking about this over the next few days whilst i am off cooling down. With the pandemic though i may have to knuckle down and carry on until the world gets back to some sort of normality as there wont be many jobs around and i would be incredibly stupid to do so whilst this is going on and having a safe job at the moment.

Its going to be hard to apologize this time though as my dad has never apologized to me before when we have had an argument and its usually me who has to do it to cool the air. This for me is wrong, as much as im ready to apologize on my behalf now.. he wont be and will just carry on as usual like he normally does. For me its either we both do and move on from there or we wont at all. I am sure it sounds childish but it cant be one way traffic all the time. He should know better at his age...

leighavfc

ssparks2003 said:

I worked with my parents for 12 years, I know its hard. You have had your vent and no doubt your father has done something similar about his child. But the question is what next? What are you going to do for an income? And what are you going to do in regard to family relations?  I would suggest that you need to consider both very hard and quickly. 

Hi ssparks2003
Yeah its really tough isn't it? Its so easy to lose your rag with one another being family !
 
Well your questions are the ones going through my head at the moment, i have a headache trying to find some sort of conclusion. In all honesty as much as im leaning on the side of leaving, due to the pandemic i do not think its a wise move to leave now as i do not know how safe i will be jumping into another job (that is if i can get one of course). I have 2 kids of my own who rely on me to provide for them so unfortunately i may need to suck it up and stick with it for the time being. I was stupid to tell him to stick it this morning, and should have thought about who needs me to be in a job before doing so as i wouldn't have pressed send...  Thankfully for me it will only take an apology to sort that out, but its my issues with my dad which will have to be once again placed on the sidelines whilst the world economy recovers from Covid. 

One thing for sure i will be doing is handing my car and phone back to him, as much as i love them i do not want it to be used against me anymore..and i would rather do without them if it stops this from happening which it often does when these arguments happen. I like to walk, and it will keep me in some kind of fitness too walking the 9 mile round trip each day. If i get fed up then public transport is easily accessible from where i live so i can always use that too. My partner has a car i can also use if i need too, but i like to leave that with her so she can get about and do stuff in the week with the kids etc. Its time for me to prove him wrong here, and i will feel much better for it not having it hang over my head.

Dakta

When I worked for my old man we had some right set to's. Working for family is the most annoying thing on the planet.

That said, even thought I'm in the IT industry now, I'd kill for the chance to take a steel pike and mince up the dirt in some gulleys whilst he rolls up with the roadsweeper with the gulleysucker to empty it out  

Family and business are two totalyl different things, and as hard as it is you've to try and keep them seperate. also whatever you decide think it over, there are situations where I think getting away from the family business is absolutely the right thing to do, even for everyones sake but at the same time don't forget this is family, I assume work aside you get on with them so what you do has to depend on the long term what you want to do.

Work and family seperation when work is family is very difficult

Malthusian

due to the pandemic i do not think its a wise move to leave now as i do not know how safe i will be jumping into another job (that is if i can get one of course).

It sounds like you work in a garage. You will probably be at less risk in a new job - garages have tools, equipment and cars driving around that are far more likely to kill a young healthy person than Covid.

Can you look for a new job while continuing with the current one until you find a new place?

One thing for sure i will be doing is handing my car and phone back to him, as much as i love them i do not want it to be used against me anymore..and i would rather do without them if it stops this from happening which it often does when these arguments happen.

Keep the car and phone but leave them at home and commute via foot / public transport. They might come in handy (e.g. for a new job) and it may defuse the argument just as well as handing them back, since he won't have to look at them.

Handing the car back may cause more problems than it solves - it doesn't sound like he wants the money and he'd have to store it, market it, insure it etc. You might achieve nothing but replacing arguments about you being "take take take" with an argument about being ungrateful.

If you're in debt you don't have the money to make probably unwanted expensive gifts to your father right now.

leighavfc

Dakta said:

When I worked for my old man we had some right set to's. Working for family is the most annoying thing on the planet.

That said, even thought I'm in the IT industry now, I'd kill for the chance to take a steel pike and mince up the dirt in some gulleys whilst he rolls up with the roadsweeper with the gulleysucker to empty it out  

Family and business are two totalyl different things, and as hard as it is you've to try and keep them seperate. also whatever you decide think it over, there are situations where I think getting away from the family business is absolutely the right thing to do, even for everyones sake but at the same time don't forget this is family, I assume work aside you get on with them so what you do has to depend on the long term what you want to do.

Work and family seperation when work is family is very difficult

Hi Dakta
Yes i am totally with you, sounds like you have had very similar experiences working with family too. I find it a real struggle at times, especially trying to bite my lip so much... there is only so many times i can before i have a meltdown too. Yesterday was one of those days!

I normally do keep home life and work relationships seperate, in all honesty i dont see much of them outside of work these days, probably due to me seeing them so much at work. Probably half the reason we get on better out of work. I do also feel that work is slowly killing our relationship.

leighavfc

Malthusian said:

due to the pandemic i do not think its a wise move to leave now as i do not know how safe i will be jumping into another job (that is if i can get one of course).

It sounds like you work in a garage. You will probably be at less risk in a new job - garages have tools, equipment and cars driving around that are far more likely to kill a young healthy person than Covid.

Can you look for a new job while continuing with the current one until you find a new place?

One thing for sure i will be doing is handing my car and phone back to him, as much as i love them i do not want it to be used against me anymore..and i would rather do without them if it stops this from happening which it often does when these arguments happen.

Keep the car and phone but leave them at home and commute via foot / public transport. They might come in handy (e.g. for a new job) and it may defuse the argument just as well as handing them back, since he won't have to look at them.

Handing the car back may cause more problems than it solves - it doesn't sound like he wants the money and he'd have to store it, market it, insure it etc. You might achieve nothing but replacing arguments about you being "take take take" with an argument about being ungrateful.

If you're in debt you don't have the money to make probably unwanted expensive gifts to your father right now.

Hi Malthusian
I don't work in a garage, its a manufacturing business. What i meant by the Covid statement was that with the economy being the way it is due to the pandemic, i feel as if i would be stupid to jump ship now with a potential/likely second wave hitting and damaging it even further. Resulting in more job losses etc. I could be wrong of course but i just feel it would be better to wait if i do decide to leave the business. Im not too worried about the virus, although we lost the mother in law over a month and a half ago to it, so i am more concerned about it than i ever was but not to the point where i panic about it etc.

I do get your points about the car and phone but in all honesty i think i have to disagree here, only down to the fact they get used against me when we argue. This is totally unfair imo as he got these even when i was telling him no. My opinion is if he doesn't want the hassle of selling them etc then he shouldn't use them against me in an argument. its like the repair bill situation he said il pay for them, i said ok but i will pay you back in stages over the coming weeks to which he said ok if thats what you want to do. I rang him days later with a plan on how i was going to go about that to which he said i have already told you not too, i said but i want to and it will help me retrain myself about money and paying it back after running up debts with credit cards etc. This nearly resulted in another argument until i retreated and said ok... now hes saying "you have cost us £1200 already this month" and "take take take". This is why i want rid so he cant level this at me anymore, its like he does so he has got a stick to beat me with when he is ready or needs too. 

I am in debt but to be fair i will have less costs not having the car. No insurance, no diesel bill, no tax.... It wont be a gift back to him as such either, the money will probably just go back into the business and seeing as we lost a lot of money during first 2 months of lockdown due to no work then this will be a positive.