Supporting family member through financial infidelity 30 January 2020 at 11:30PM in Marriage, relationships & families 11 replies 1.7K views

Anonanonanon

Regular poster going anonymous for this one as it's very much somebody else's story I'm posting.

I have a very close family member who is not great with money. They're on a low income, have a bit of credit card debt which they're not really trying to shift and some less than stellar spending habits. Things like meals out, unnecessary clothing purchases etc. I would not say that they've had their lightbulb moment. The upshot is that they can't afford to go it alone and are effectively trapped.

Their partner is even worse with money. I don't know the nitty gritty, but my family member unexpectedly received a court summons (section 8) over unpaid rent last year. My family member pays the other bills and the partner is responsible for the rent. Turns out partner had been struggling to pay the rent several times over an 18 month period but not said anything. Making late payments - double payments to catch up, or paying extra/early one time then late again the next. They were having issues getting paid - they're self employed and subcontract - but still.

Said partner has previously had a CCJ for unpaid child support and now is facing having a vehicle on finance repossessed and it turns out that they owe one of their family members several thousand pounds. We don't know the exact details of what/why, and are struggling to get them as partner is currently abroad. We're concerned about the rent payment due in mid-February.

It all adds up to a mess, and I'm not sure how best to support my family member. Moving the family member in with us is a last resort, and if it comes to that, I am 80% confident I wouldn't take the partner in. I sorted out the rent arrears when the court papers hit last year, and am not in a position to help financially again. I did get my family member using YNAB and most of the credit card debt to be 0% for a while. My other family members aren't able to help with big sums of money either, and we were saying earlier that maybe £50 here and there is still a bad idea as it could be enabling the silly spending.

I've not been in their shoes, so any insight or ways I can help would be useful. TIA

Jonathan_Kelvin

Suggest that they come and post on here.

unholyangel

Are there any debt charities near you who offer free advice?

But are they actually asking for help? And are they really asking for help...or money? Can lead a horse and all that.

[Deleted User]

Sign post your family member to CAP UK, National Debtline or Step Change. All three are debt charities and can advise on what solutions are available to your family member. As the partner is self employed then Business Debtline is the charity to contact even if the debts are personal and not related to the business.

Marvel1

To help them, they really need to help themselves in relation to the first paragraph, thru both sound bad as each other. If they don't then, you can't help.

Pollycat

Anonanonanon wrote: »

Regular poster going anonymous for this one as it's very much somebody else's story I'm posting.

I have a very close family member who is not great with money. They're on a low income, have a bit of credit card debt which they're not really trying to shift and some less than stellar spending habits. Things like meals out, unnecessary clothing purchases etc. I would not say that they've had their lightbulb moment. The upshot is that they can't afford to go it alone and are effectively trapped.

Their partner is even worse with money. I don't know the nitty gritty, but my family member unexpectedly received a court summons (section 8) over unpaid rent last year. My family member pays the other bills and the partner is responsible for the rent. Turns out partner had been struggling to pay the rent several times over an 18 month period but not said anything. Making late payments - double payments to catch up, or paying extra/early one time then late again the next. They were having issues getting paid - they're self employed and subcontract - but still.

Said partner has previously had a CCJ for unpaid child support and now is facing having a vehicle on finance repossessed and it turns out that they owe one of their family members several thousand pounds. We don't know the exact details of what/why, and are struggling to get them as partner is currently abroad. We're concerned about the rent payment due in mid-February.

It all adds up to a mess, and I'm not sure how best to support my family member. Moving the family member in with us is a last resort, and if it comes to that, I am 80% confident I wouldn't take the partner in. I sorted out the rent arrears when the court papers hit last year, and am not in a position to help financially again. I did get my family member using YNAB and most of the credit card debt to be 0% for a while. My other family members aren't able to help with big sums of money either, and we were saying earlier that maybe £50 here and there is still a bad idea as it could be enabling the silly spending.

I've not been in their shoes, so any insight or ways I can help would be useful. TIA

I'd say you - and possibly the rest of the family - are enabling the silly spending.
What incentive does this person have to change when everybody is stepping in when they get into yet another financial mess?
Of course they're going out for meals and buying clothes - because they know someone is there to pick up the pieces.
You say you're concerned about the next rent payment. But is your family member concerned?
You say they are 'effectively trapped'.
I'd say they have trapped themselves through their inability or unwillingness to do anything about their finances.


I'm not sure that bandying terms like 'financial infidelity' is helpful when your own family member is part of the whole financial mess.


I have helped a family member out with their finances.
But only because I knew they'd had their lightbulb moment.

Purplepineapple

I can see it must be hard to see all this happening to a loved one but unless the person has a learning disability that means they really don't understand how to manage things, I'd say hard as it is, they have to figure it out.
Maybe offer to show them how to do a budget. Explain the important and consequences of keeping up with priority bills. Other than that, paying off debt or taking them in won't permanently change their habits which is what they need. It might help in the short term but long term they need to feel a bit of discomfort to want to change.
See if there is a local money advice service whereby someone can visit them at home.

Anonanonanon

Thanks all. I understand what you're saying.

I thought they'd had a lightbulb moment when the court papers hit. They took the bull by the horns, took responsibility for making sure the rent got paid (albeit partner was providing the money), made a budget and stuck to it. But obviously I was wrong and they seem to have reverted to head-burying. It's possible that the socialising/spending is a way of coping with depression but I've been there and it's a downwards spiral.

They're at the point of panic attacks but I know that doesn't consitute a lightbulb moment. I'll see if there are any local services that can provide advice. My family member is definitely worried about the rent, but unless their partner steps up, it's not going to get paid in February.

Pollycat

Anonanonanon wrote: »

Thanks all. I understand what you're saying.

I thought they'd had a lightbulb moment when the court papers hit. They took the bull by the horns, took responsibility for making sure the rent got paid (albeit partner was providing the money), made a budget and stuck to it. But obviously I was wrong and they seem to have reverted to head-burying. It's possible that the socialising/spending is a way of coping with depression but I've been there and it's a downwards spiral.

They're at the point of panic attacks but I know that doesn't consitute a lightbulb moment. I'll see if there are any local services that can provide advice. My family member is definitely worried about the rent, but unless their partner steps up, it's not going to get paid in February.

In addition to stepping up, they need financial honesty between them.

goodwithsaving

Whatever you do don't bail them out (again) or give them money here and there. You provide for yourself, they can provide for themselves. You have already said you can't afford to help them again, so that money was wasted. Unless people have a learning disability there is absolutely no excuse for being bad at budgeting and prioritising spend.
I'm a bit tough love with this sort of thing. I understand it's hard but at the end of the day, everyone is responsible for themselves and burying heads in the sand helps no-one. Everyone gets in a sticky situation from time to time, but this seems to be a trend.

Savvy_Sue

Is it a social landlord or a private one?

If social (local authority / housing association) it is possible that they can give support with budgeting etc.