Advice Appreciated About My Dad

CuppaAndBreath · 6 April 2019 at 9:52PM

Hi everyone,

This is a hard post to make, thank you in advance for reading and/or lending me your advice.

My Dad has struggled with depression for over a decade now. 10 years ago, he left work because of it and hasn't rejoined the working world.

He received a payoff as work arranged it as a voluntary redundancy, but this soon ran out (£30,000 went in 6 months) and he lost his flat. He moved in with my Grandmother, who not too long after began to deteriorate mentally.

3 years ago, she was moved to a residential home and the house was sold to make money available to pay for this. Dad moved out, and has clawed together a few things (plus a bit of luck) to get by in the mean time.

He is renting a flat, but is about to run out of all pounds. There's £3k left, and his rent is £600. He has taken 2 private pensions early which I believe come to around £800 a month total. He also took 25% up front tax free, which has now run out.

He's selling collections of things he has on eBay to help a little bit, but this isn't a long term prospect. He's 58, 59 this year - he has so many years to pay for ahead of him...

I can't afford to pay for him, as much as I wish I could. I live in a tiny flat with my girlfriend, so there's really no room here for him to move in.

I can't sleep worrying about the next 30 years for him. He won't consider help from a doctor, he thinks he has no chance at work. I've tried every discussion, every trick in the book.

He talks about buying a tent and sleeping in fields, like it's so easy. It breaks my heart.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I, and he, can do to stabilise things a little please? Is there any benefits he could claim to help? Is there any organisations that can help?

Thank you so much in advance :beer:

DCFC79 · 6 April 2019 at 9:57PM

Does he want to be helped ?

CuppaAndBreath · 6 April 2019 at 10:01PM

DCFC79 wrote: »

Does he want to be helped ?

Thank you for your reply, DCFC79. Yes, I am almost certain he does. He has a habit of burying his head in the sand and not asking for help until it's crunch time, but yes he's open to help and changing.

onwards&upwards · 6 April 2019 at 10:53PM

Is he claiming any benefits he is entitled to?

At the end of the day, you can’t physically make him do anything, and you need to look after yourself first. You know how they say never to go in the water when someone is drowning, because then you just end up with two people going under.

CuppaAndBreath · 6 April 2019 at 11:23PM

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Is he claiming any benefits he is entitled to?

At the end of the day, you can’t physically make him do anything, and you need to look after yourself first. You know how they say never to go in the water when someone is drowning, because then you just end up with two people going under.

Thank you onwards&upwards, I appreciate the reminder :beer:

Would you know the best way to know what benefits he might be entitled to please? Googling brings up a million weird looking / contradictory things!

Pollycat · 6 April 2019 at 11:34PM

Go to gov.uk & select 'benefits', then 'how do benefits work?'.
There's 2 benefit checkers that you and your Dad can put his details into and it will give you an idea of what he might be entitled to.
Sorry, I can't post a link as I'm on my phone, not my pc.

onwards&upwards · 6 April 2019 at 11:36PM

CuppaAndBreath wrote: »

Thank you onwards&upwards, I appreciate the reminder :beer:

Would you know the best way to know what benefits he might be entitled to please? Googling brings up a million weird looking / contradictory things!

This website can be trusted:

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

Pollycat · 7 April 2019 at 8:01AM

Here is the link I mentioned last night:
https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

As well as the calculator in the link by onwards&upwards, there's this one:
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/?utm_source=BAdviser&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GovUK

plus another one that I've not noticed before.

Primrose · 7 April 2019 at 9:38AM

I feel for you. I think your dad needs help on several fronts. Check out where his nearest Citizens Advice Centre is. His GP surgery or local library may point him in the right direction.
He needs help managing what little money he has and ensuring he has all the benefits to which he is entitled. Would it help if you sat down with him and went through his budget?
But at some point he has to find or create the willpower to genuinely start wanting to change his situation. At the moment he probably doesn,t know where to start or go for help. Reading some simple self help books on anxiety and depression might be a good place to start.
Encourage him to undertake one positive thing in his life every day. He's not allowed to go to bed until he's done it!

Contact Mind, the mental health charity and see if they have any local groups which he can join for advice and company. If he can get to the point where he can break his social isolation he could maybe start acting as a volunteer or do a simple part time job to bring in some income. Social isolation is deadly, and breaking this down often requires very small steps. Is there a local charity shop where he could volunteer? He would meet people, get chatting, help to rebuild his self confidence and possibly learn of money earning job opportunities. He needs to start somewhere. Volunteers are always much needed and appreciated so this might be the kind of supportive non threatening environment for him to start taking baby steps to a new life.

The responsibility for your dad obviously weighs heavily on your shoulders but you have your own life to deal with. He has to take some responsibility for himself. It sounds as if he,s starting to do this selling some possessions so encourage him to go a step further now, engage with the people or organisations who will give him help and support and not to reject any suggestions out of hand. Sometimes you have to throw a lot of seeds on stoney ground before anything starts to germinate.

TBagpuss · 7 April 2019 at 6:24PM

https://www.entitledto.co.uk is another website to check his eligibility for help.
He may qualify for JSA or Universal Credit, which would potentially give him a little support - you would be able to check his exact entitlement as you will know his postcode etc!

You can't force him to get help, but you can encourage him to apply fr any benefits he qualifies for , and if you think he does suffer from depression, encourage him to speak to his GP

Lanzarote1938 · 7 April 2019 at 8:38PM

I would think Housing allowance and council tax support would be the first things to look at. If he gets help with these then his income might be sufficient to manage on.