In a total mess

utterly_ashamed

Hi I’m new here and writing this because I’m in a mess. Please no judgement or anything because I know what a complete d*ck I am already ...

I was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago when I was 32. It may seem a while ago but I’ve had the most ridiculous amount of treatment and surgery which has left me disfigured and most likely infertile. My mental health has also taken a hit since with me suffering from PTSD and severe depression and anxiety. I’ve tried to work as much as possible but was recently off sick again due to my mental health issues. I’m single with no kids.

My finances took a hit with the cancer diagnosis but also my spending went out of control. I had the kind of ‘well you only live once’ mentally and was convinced I was on my way out and couldn’t see past the next few months so I felt desperate to do stuff before I died. Cue me borrowing more and more and living beyond my means.

Now I find myself in such a situation where even though I have a full time job with a decent salary I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul each month and with interest piling up I’m making no headway in paying off my debt. I’m constantly anxious and feel physically sick every time I think of what I owe. I’ve started not being able to think of anything else. I’m on a whacking dose of antidepressants which I’ve been on for quite some time and now take beta blockers.

Although I’m not yet out of the woods cancer wise I keep thinking I’ve ruined my life through this now instead and I’m kind of wishing the cancer would return so at least I’d have an out.

I rent my flat and all my priority bills are up to date. I called one of my creditors in feb to ask to make reduced payments on my loan for three months (first time I’ve asked for financial help / concessions) since my diagnosis. They allowed me to but now are threatening me with arrears and defaults etc to the point where I’ve had to get my brother involved to deal with it on my behalf. I had to send them all my medical evidence in recently plus income , expenditure etc. It was pretty hideous really having to send in private medical info and letters , particularly as the cancer I had was in an area of my body that is ‘private’ so to speak! Humiliating and embarrassing. Then for the advisor to tell me they needed to see it because if my cancer was terminal they might be able to write off the debt!!

I feel like such an utter failure. I feel so ashamed and so guilty for constantly putting my parents through so much worry and being in this position at my age.

I’ve spoken to step change but got nowhere. I took me a long time to work up the courage to call and admit I had a problem but they just wanted to take me through the income / expenditures form which I’ve already done. It’s told me a DMP is their recommended solution which terrifies me. My credit rating is shot now because of the temp payment plan with my loan etc and I don’t want to borrow any more money but a DMP scares me because if I end up with CCJs I’m never going to be able to get another rental flat. The thought of having letters and phone calls about my debt and arrears makes me feel sick and so so anxious as well.

I don’t know what to do going forward. I have an interview tomorrow morning for a second income job and I’m ebaying everything in sight but I’m just constantly on edge and feeling like such a complete and utter idiot for getting myself in this position.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope right now. !!!128532;

sammyjammy

Oh bless you, how much do you owe? Why do you think Stepchange weren't helpful? You obviously cannot carry on as you are as its affecting your mental health massively at a time when you need to be as healthy as possible in mind and body for your futures sake.

Sorry to say it but the learned folk on her will probably want to see your income and expenditure if they are going to sensibly advise.

If you feel you need to talk to someone independent please ring the Samaritans or someone similar, you can also rant on here as much as you like. We don't bite and nobody will judge you

sammyjammy

Here is the link to the statement of affairs.

http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Orange_Ena

You really have come to the right place. I think most of us on here have had money troubles so you're really not alone. And you sound like you've been through a lot, so please be kind to yourself.

If you pop up your statement of affairs people can offer you advice to get this sorted out. There is always a solution to get out of debt so please don't worry.

Hugs :grouphug:

utterly_ashamed

Hi - thanks for replying.

In terms of how much I owe it’s an horrific amount that I’m struggling to even admit to myself. If I had the means to throw 2 years worth of salary at it it would just about cover it.

I can fill in the form you’ve suggested - it’s so hard though but I know I need to. Im so scared to let other people see what a mess I’m in. I know my spending is completely out of control though and I know where I can easily cut down but it’s trying to get myself out of that ‘f*ck it I could die soon anyway’ mindset.

When I rang step change I blurted out my history and why I’ve found myself in such a mess and the advisor just kind of said ‘well thanks for that now let’s do the form’. I don’t know - I just didn’t feel any better after speaking to them. Maybe it’s not them it’s me.

I felt like a total failure because of the cancer and now because of this.

sammyjammy

We can help you here and you can do it all in your own time, no need to ring anyone on the phone. Read some of the debt diary posts, we've all either seen it or done it and dyed the t-shirt pink in the wash - seriously;).

Please don't be embarrassed, take your time, we'll help you get where you need to be so you can concentrate on the important things.

Don't let any of your creditors control you, read the letters but don't let them upset you, if you don't want to answer the hone then don't, I never did. When I first wrote to my creditors I asked that they communicate in writing only.

Orange_Ena

Honestly, don't be worried about sharing your debt stuff. You're totally anonymous and I'm pretty sure there's been people on here with a worse debt than yours.

It's a bit of a shock when you have your; lightbulb moment, but when you're ready to tackle it, it's a good thing. You're taking control of it, and it's not controlling you anymore.

You're not a total failure, please don't say that. You've found MSE And people here a very helpful and supportive. Stick around and you will see. It's not easy, but you can totally do this.

utterly_ashamed

Thank you so much I really appreciate you replying. I’m in such a state and feel like I don’t have any options at present it’s such a horrible place to be in. It’s taken so much for me to admit I have a problem and just write this post so I guess it’s baby steps and hopefully now this hurdle is done I can get over the next one.

I just want to feel happy and enjoy my life - I’ve seen so many people in the cancer community - including close friends - die over the last few years I want to enjoy my time here and not be in this constant state of unhappiness.

I know I need to post a SOA for people to help fully but I wondered if anyone could answer a couple of questions for me? I wanted to ask Step Change but felt I couldn’t.

If I write to all my creditors to tell them my situation and offer reduced payments for 3 months and ask them to freeze interest until I make a decision about how to proceed - DMP etc - and they accept wil they then pursue me for the arrears at the end of that term? As one of my creditors has done?

If I do move forward with a DMP do I have to include all debts or can I leave out the ones I can manage to pay off a lot more easily? Like the ones with low balances / on 0% interest?

If the interest was just frozen or even reduced on some of them for a period of time I know I could make some sort of a dent in what I owe if I manage to get this second job and live extremely frugally.

I know people have got themselves in awful debt by with gambling addictions but there is a lot less out there about spending addictions. I know now I have a huge issue with that. I’ve spent to try and help alleviate my depression and curb my fear about my health and dying. And then because my self image and confidence has taken such a battering I’ve spent on clothes, and wigs and cosmetics to try and make myself feel better and ultimately it’s not worked.

I’m such an utter utter idiot.

sourcrates

Hi,

Any reason you cannot declare bankruptcy ?

How much do you owe ?

Bankruptcy lasts one year, IPA May be payable for up to three years, all gone in six years.
Very simple process now, if time may be short, no appearance in court, all done by phone and post.

In reality, new start after 12 months.

Why suffer.

Orange_Ena

I'll say it again, you're not an idiot. It happens. As Sammy says,have a read of some debt diaries.

I'll leave the DMP stuff for someone else to answer, but I think there's a DMP thread on here somewhere so maybe have a read.

Yes it is baby steps! Exactly. Today is the first day. Facing up to it, the reasons why, the figures, the solution...it's all a bit scary. But you've done the hard bit. Getting out of debt isn't always easy, there maybe some sacrifices, but I know for me, it felt great to actually tackle it and to start making savings on all the easy things like gas and electric or tv packages. Some of the harder things to give up weren't that hard in the end as I wanted to be free of debt more.

Try and get some rest and put it out of your mind until tomorrow.

Take care

utterly_ashamed

Over 60k all together

I feel sick.

If I declare bankruptcy I’m done for though? I’ll more than likely be evicted from my flat and I can’t move back home because my parents live an hour and a half away from me and my job is here. I won’t get another rental property whilst that’s on my record either so where will I live?