Deleted

Options
Hellsbellss
Hellsbellss Posts: 5 Forumite
First Anniversary
*deleted* *deleted*
«1

Comments

  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 46,109 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Options
    Her behaviour is harassment, and as such should be reported to the police.

    But that won't necessarily stop it, or solve the problem.

    I think I'd seriously consider moving away - is that a possibility? Definitely change your phone number, and your email address and be careful who you give them to. No doubt he knows where you work: make it clear to your colleagues that if he phones or turns up you don't want to be disturbed.

    Otherwise I expect sonny boy will get fed up of her behaviour and want to come running back to you. And you already know what a delightful, loyal chap he is, a real catch (NOT!)
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • Doodles
    Doodles Posts: 413 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Photogenic
    Options
    You now know this man for what he really is. Weak and selfish.

    Also a good time now for you to do some self-reflection as to why you fell into that situation, but sounds like you are starting to do that.

    To be honest, I don't blame her and her family/friends having a go at you. You entered into a seedy relationship with a married man who has children. What goes round, comes round and all that. But yes he is equally responsible so whilst you might not see anyone abusing him, do you really think he is having an easy time of it from his wife and her family behind closed doors? He will have lost respect from many.

    If it continues, then you need to say that any further abuse will be reported to the police. But to be honest, would this be a good time for a fresh break, somewhere new?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,750 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Options
    I have created a new account in order to remain anonymous. I have made a really terrible mistake and I would be grateful for any advice any of you may have in trying to deal with the situation I have unfortunately created for myself. I have had a relationship with a married man. Worse still, I know him and his wife.

    To give a bit of background, he left her and we started a relationship in secret as we both knew it was wrong and would be devastating for her and their family if it became public knowledge. I genuinely felt terrible the whole time and told him several times that I wanted to stop seeing each other because i knew it was wrong. Each time he told me How much he liked me and cared about me and it soon became a case of him telling me he loved me. I told him I didn't believe him, he always said it was true.

    It was a total whirlwind and it became quite serious quite quickly. He suddenly went back to her saying he couldn't leave the children, which I understood.

    Less than a week later he was back in touch declaring his love for me and saying it was the biggest mistake he had ever made going back to her and that he now realised he wanted to be with me and he loved me. I ignored him. A couple of days later he was in touch again saying more of the same and telling me he couldn't live without me in his life. I agreed to talk.

    I would like to say that I realise I have been incredibly selfish, irresponsible and awful for not only entering into this with him but carrying it on when I had every chance to walk away. I did try several times and he was having none of it and wouldn't take no for an answer. That may sound weak, and I admit I was. I should have said no and ended it. I have felt absolutely terrible about myself and still do for what I have done, the guilt has been totally consuming. Especially as there are children involved. I am single myself.

    Anyway she discovered our relationship and understandably was furious and absolutely devastated. But mostly furious. She aimed all of her anger at me. She contacted my friends to tell them what had happened, physically attacked me, put stuff all over social media telling everyone and advising them to lock up their husbands. Nothing was said publicly about him. I have received threatening messages from her family and friends and it has been so horrendous I have been scared to leave my house.

    She kicked him out and he stayed with me. We lived together for a short while and he saw first hand the abuse I was getting, while he got none at all. Even some of my friends no longer speak to me and I have become ostracised from a lot of social things because of it. I understand that I deserve a lot of the criticism ive received but I have held my hands up and admitted I have made a terrible mistake which I completely regret and for which I am hugely sorry. But what's done is done and I can't change what has happened.

    He promised me he was here to stay and wanted to be with me. I have got hundreds of messages off him proving that it was him who came on to me and that I tried to end it several times, and that he was very pushy and determined for us to be together. He was always telling me how much he loved me and wanted us to be together.

    Then, he went back to her again without any warning whatsoever. I think she has guilted him into going back because of the children and he's taken the easier option now he's seen what it's like now everyone knows about us. I am devastated, because I stupidly believed his lies and really didn't think he would ever hurt me like this. He's totally broken my heart as I tried so hard to not allow myself to be taken in by him but as soon as I let my guard down he just up and left as though I meant nothing. She messaged me gloating about having him back and has since verbally abused me calling me a !!!!!!, while he was with her standing ten feet away. He didn't say anything and has been happy to sit back and let me take all the abuse and blame for this when he knows perfectly well that he was the one who instigated it all and pursued me.

    I am trying to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. I've avoided both of them as much as possible but the first time I saw her she shouted at me and called me a !!!!!! in front of other people. She's prepared to be back with him whilst burying her head in the sand about what actually happened between us (she doesn't know how serious it was and hasn't asked me what happened) but won't let me move on too.

    I'm just not sure what to do. Sorry this post is so long - thank you to those who take taken the time to read it.
    Re the bit in red:
    He wasn't with her when you got together?
    So why was it wrong?

    Report her, her family and her friends for harassment.

    If your friends no longer speak to you because of this, then they weren't really friends at all.
  • onomatopoeia99
    onomatopoeia99 Posts: 6,970 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    Options
    You need to report her to the police for harassment, along with all the people she incited. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable and "unfaithful husband" is not a statutory defence to a prosecution for harassment.
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,750 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Options
    Doodles wrote: »
    You now know this man for what he really is. Weak and selfish.

    Also a good time now for you to do some self-reflection as to why you fell into that situation, but sounds like you are starting to do that.

    To be honest, I don't blame her and her family/friends having a go at you. You entered into a seedy relationship with a married man who has children. What goes round, comes round and all that. But yes he is equally responsible so whilst you might not see anyone abusing him, do you really think he is having an easy time of it from his wife and her family behind closed doors? He will have lost respect from many.

    If it continues, then you need to say that any further abuse will be reported to the police. But to be honest, would this be a good time for a fresh break, somewhere new?
    I disagree.
    He is not 'equally responsible'.
    He is far more to blame than the OP.
    He is the one who is married and has children.
    She is single.
  • Hellsbellss
    Options
    I’m not sure why my post has been merged with this one, sorry to the original op.

    Yes, he had left her when we began seeing each other. The reason it was wrong is because we know each other and it goes against the “code” of not having relationships with women who you know’s ex partners. Also, it was pretty much immediately after he left her. But yes I guess part of my frustration is that I am being accused of having this “affair” (she’s accusing me of the affair - not him) when actually they weren’t together. He made things a lot worse by going back because of the children and then changed his mind and said going back was a huge mistake and he regretted it the minute he walked through the door. When she found out about us, he hadn’t officially left her again, so I guess she thought they were trying to work things out?

    I have no idea what he has said to her but all I know now is he is full of deceit and manipulation. I should also mention that I have a child too and our children know each other, which adds to the complication here.

    It’s not possible to move away, and to be honest I don’t see why I should. I have as much right to be here as her and certainly him, and if she has wanted him back and to forgive him then I feel I should be allowed to move on too.

    There are other examples of harassment I could give but I don’t want to get into too much on here.

    I guess I am just sick of being held responsible for this whole thing and being at the receiving end of all the gossip and abuse - I have maintained a dignified silence throughout so all anyone has heard is her version of events which obviously makes me sound the worst I possibly could. It is so unfair that he gets to go back to his normal life with her and yet I’m left dealing with all of this. As I said I have plenty of evidence in messages that he came onto me and was the one who was insistent something happened, whereas she is telling all and sundry that I am a home wrecker and a husband stealer and a slag.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,750 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    edited 10 July 2018 at 8:40AM
    Options
    Hellsbellss
    As not-a-newbie you should really know that you should start your own thread.
    It's not fair to derail this thread with your own dilemma, even though the subject is similar.
    I'd copy and paste your original post into a new thread then delete your post on here.
    I'll do the same with my responses to you.

    ETA
    Ah. I see it wasn't you. Apologies.
    I did initially think it was a new thread when I first replied to you.
    I'd pm a board guide and ask them to reinstate your original thread
  • Hellsbellss
    Options
    And Pollycat I do agree - although I realise morally I was wrong to !!!8216;go there!!!8217;, he is the one who took the vows and was married, not me. Surely that has to count for something here in terms of blame and responsibility, when she is determined to put this all on me?

    I am absolutely disgusted with the way he has sat back and let me take all of this, he hasn!!!8217;t said a thing. Spineless.
  • Hellsbellss
    Options
    I did start my own thread, as I said in my earlier post I’m not sure why it’s been merged with this one?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,750 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Options
    And Pollycat I do agree - although I realise morally I was wrong to !!!8216;go there!!!8217;, he is the one who took the vows and was married, not me. Surely that has to count for something here in terms of blame and responsibility, when she is determined to put this all on me?

    I am absolutely disgusted with the way he has sat back and let me take all of this, he hasn!!!8217;t said a thing. Spineless.

    I'd say the only way she can look at herself in the mirror and at him is to put 100% of the blame onto you.
    Of course it's not fair but it is as it is.

    My ex husband had an affair with a work colleague.
    She knew he was married - but so did he.
    He was the one who stood beside me at the wedding ceremony

    I was angry with her but incandescent with rage at him.
    She was a lot younger than him, it was a mid-lifr crisis, he was flattered.
    But even though she threw herself at him (info from a mutual friend), he was the most to blame for the affair in my eyes.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 343.7K Banking & Borrowing
  • 250.2K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.9K Spending & Discounts
  • 235.8K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 608.9K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 173.3K Life & Family
  • 248.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards