Sad days

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We've all got them, some more than 1 a year. I call it a sad day rather than an anniversary. My sad day is on Saturday :( i've only ever lost 1 person in my life who i was really close with and i have never dealt with it well. I dont speak about what happened to anyone and every time this sad day comes around i am unusually quiet for most of the day.

I do visit her grave on my own, but i haven't spoken to her family for probably 8 years! Their house was like my second home growing up and i always think i should go see them, but i always talk myself out of it thinking it would upset them seeing me. I know it would upset me because it will bring back memories and another reason is me not liking people to see me upset. I'm not a weepy person. Going there though i know i'll cry :(

I'm still young and i was only a teenager when it happened so the only way i knew how to deal with it was to shut it out. People here have more life experience than me, so how do you cope with a sad day to make it better?
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  • heartbreak_star
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    Take some time out to do something nice for yourself, even if it's just a walk somewhere followed by a pint in the pub, or a couple of hours curled up with a good book and cake.

    With regards to her family, could you write them a letter?

    Be kind to yourself, and don't be afraid to be sad.

    Hope you are OK on Saturday.

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Bremainer
  • System
    System Posts: 178,102 Community Admin
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    Take some time out to do something nice for yourself, even if it's just a walk somewhere followed by a pint in the pub, or a couple of hours curled up with a good book and cake.

    With regards to her family, could you write them a letter?

    Be kind to yourself, and don't be afraid to be sad.

    Hope you are OK on Saturday.

    HBS x
    I wouldn't know where to start with a letter. They live a few miles away as well and might question why when i delivered the letter i never called in to see them.

    I just realised when i wrote that its me over thinking every what if. I'm not usually like that and i dont know why i am this way. I talk myself out of everything where this is concerned :lipsrseal
  • Clive_Woody
    Clive_Woody Posts: 5,856 Forumite
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    Spinkz wrote: »
    I wouldn't know where to start with a letter. They live a few miles away as well and might question why when i delivered the letter i never called in to see them.
    I would you suggest you pretty much copy and paste your original post on here and use that to say how you feel to the family.

    This is a first step, no need for big long letters. You expressed yourself perfectly in your first message on this thread.
    "We act as though comfort and luxury are the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about” – Albert Einstein
  • SailorSam
    SailorSam Posts: 22,754 Forumite
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    My sad day was earlier this week. My Mums birthday. Almost 9yrs now since she died. I went to the Crem and there were no flowers, not even cards from my Sisters. I shouldn't be surprised it's not like it's the first time. Birthdays; Christmas; Mums Day, or her Anniversery, so easily forgotten. They were quick getting here to 'borrow' money when she was alive.
    I remember at her funeral was one of our old neighbours who'd known us since we were kids saying to me ... "Why is she crying", she was talking about one of my Sisters. ....... then she asked ....."Has the golden goose died, don't you take over"
    Liverpool is one of the wonders of Britain,
    What it may grow to in time, I know not what.

    Daniel Defoe: 1725.
  • DigForVictory
    DigForVictory Posts: 11,912 Forumite
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    Something along the lines of your first post. It's clear, simple, dignified, respectful.

    It doesn't need to be war & peace. It would help if they could identify you. You don't have to give them contact details (& they don't have to reply - we don't now how they are coping 9 years on either.)

    What I would suggest is that until you can step back a bit from this, you are not doing yourself or any potential current relationship any favours.

    Look after yourself too - she'd have wanted that, yes? Learn (study if you have to) to let her rest, feel her allowing you to move on (why might she do otherwise?) and gradually, gently, make peace with the then & move carefully towards the now.

    She may have been the most glorious thing in creation then, but hanging onto her memory this tightly means you can't see or connect to the glories around now. Or those who need your help.
    Best of luck.
  • SailorSam
    SailorSam Posts: 22,754 Forumite
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    [QUOTE=Spinkz;69695291_so_how_do_you_cope_with_a_sad_day_to_make_it_better?[/QUOTE]

    I can only think of one person, and it's not a sad day of mine. It's the anniversery of the day her husband died. I didn't know him, before my time. But what i do is, we speak on Skype. So i'll find something on YouTube which i think will make her smile and send that.
    Liverpool is one of the wonders of Britain,
    What it may grow to in time, I know not what.

    Daniel Defoe: 1725.
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,623 Forumite
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    edited 10 December 2015 at 7:17PM
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    It's almost undoubtedly a sad day for them too and like you, they probably have nobody to share their memories with either .

    I bet if you were to summon up your courage and to turn up unexpectedly, you would be welcomed with open arms and just talking would help turn it into a joyous occasion of shared memories.

    Give it a try. Being with people who can give us back a tiny part of our past is a priceless experience. They have probably wondered what has happened to you too over the years. Theyb suffered an extra loss when you disappeared off the scene too, presumably after her death. It doesn't matter if you all shed a tear or two. You will give her family back a little bit of their past too. Perhaps doing will help you all move on. It may seem like an overwhelming huge emotional mountain to climb but if you can do it, I think it will help to start healing your sense of loss.
  • ravilious_fan
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    I don't really commemorate anniversaries of loved ones passing. I remember them all the time and I miss them. Spinkz it sounds like whatever happened was traumatic, for you and for the person who died. You don't need to write to the family unless you feel comfortable doing that.
    sealed pot challenge 9 #004
  • mgdavid
    mgdavid Posts: 6,706 Forumite
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    how to cope with a sad day?
    just thank my lucky stars that I'm still here, get on and get busy, make the best of the time that I have.
    The questions that get the best answers are the questions that give most detail....
  • pigpen
    pigpen Posts: 41,053 Forumite
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    You don't have to know where to start with a letter.. you don't even have to send it..

    You could send them flowers so they know you remembered.. and keep the letter for yourself.. and write to them each year..

    some people release balloons (to kill wildlife :p) or get blind drunk or sit and home and wallow in pity.. do whatever feels right and makes you smile.. personally I'd go out and do something you enpyed doing with that person and make it a good day
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