Fallen apart at the seams

determined_new_ms Posts: 7,825 Forumite
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edited 24 November 2015 at 10:22AM in Marriage, relationships & families
So really just is what it says on the tin...

After the longest time of difficulties (my dd has a MH problem, teen years were a living hell and have continued, my dd had a dd and wasn't coping, we took her to court and got custody of her 11 month old dd) I was working in a job that was really stressful with little support while going through all of the court process (my dgd came to us 2 weeks before I started this job).

Then in June I returned from al and was called into a meeting to be told I was being dismissed. I became upset and asked for the meeting to be postponed. Since this point they wouldn't communicate with me so I am unsure of the reasons for the dismissal - there was no incidents leading up to it that gave me any reason to think they would dismiss me so it was a complete bolt out of the blue.

As I was driving home I received a call from a hospital to say my mother had died. I was estranged from my mother due to her mh issues & alcohol addictions and a very difficult childhood.

Since this time I have literally fallen apart, haven't been working, my confidence is at rock bottom and I am plagued with thinking about my childhood again and really feeling very sorry for myself and everything I have been through over the years since my dd became unwell (at the age of 12 but her disorder wasn't diagnosed until she was 20 and she's about to turn 22).

I really just don't know how to pick myself up? I've currently have a job that is 8 hours per week and am starting a bar job today which will be 12 hours per week. I just don't feel like I can take anymore pressure at the moment, but on the other hand feel like I am damaging my career options (I have worked in management and managed large teams supporting vulnerable people/people with MH problems for the last few years)

I just feel like everything we've been through over the last decade I can't take anymore
DF as at 30/12/16
Womblng 2020:
NSD Jan 2/18 YTD: 2


  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,767 Forumite
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    Even one of those things is enough to knock you down.

    Being dismissed in that manner doesn't sound right. Maybe post the details (length of employment etc) on the Employment board for practical advice.

    Do you not have any support at all - partner, friends?

    Have you considered seeing your GP?
  • determined_new_ms
    Hi Pollycat thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

    Re the job. I had been there less than 1 year by a couple of weeks so don't get full employment rights. I do believe that I might have had a case for unfair dismissal as the only thing they said to me was the amount of time I had had off. I had needed to take some emergency leave over the year due to either meetings with SS, attending court or if my dgd was sick, but I always took these out of my al, but then in May I came down with tonsillitis and was very ill so I signed off for a week. Sods law that this was just a few weeks before I was due to be off for 6 working days.

    However if you want to lodge an unfair dismissal case you have to do it within 3 months. But due to just reeling with the events of the time I left it too late.

    I have been to my doctor and she has prescribed some anti-depressants (but I haven't made the prescription made. I'm in two minds whether I should. I've been depressed before but this is different) and am waiting on some counselling.

    My partner is very supportive, but doesn't fully understand what I'm going through and why this is having such a huge impact on me. I've got friends but feel I can't offload on them anymore, this has been going on for years
    DF as at 30/12/16
    Womblng 2020:
    NSD Jan 2/18 YTD: 2
  • pigpen
    pigpen Posts: 41,064 Forumite
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    the job is odd.. but it may be they had you on temporary contracts so had every right to dismiss you without an actual reason.. maybe a year is the longest they are allowed to have you on temporary contracts and they didn't want to give you a full conttract.. either way.. it is too late to do anything about it so that can no longer matter, you can't let it.

    The grief for your mum must be dealt with.. have you had any counselling to deal with this? You obviously didn't have a 'proper' relationship with your mum, whatever proper is.. and you had a rough childhood as a result of her behaviour. The opportunity for either of you to make that better is now gone and also the chance fr you to say the things you needed to say are gone. Could you write her a letter? Say all those things you always wanted to say but never felt able.. get a biiiig notebook and write to her every time you think of something you need to say.. get it out.. let the feelings go.. it might help you on the road to setting some of those feelings free.

    It must be very hard with your daughter and seeing her struggle and having to take the steps you have.. but she is your daughter and she too needs your help in whatever capacity you can offer it.. sometimes you do have to step away for a bit to gather the energy to deal with them some more but she is unwell.

    Regarding the grandchild..just love her, give her what you can and just love her.. she will love you back and enjoy this special time with her. She is your ray of light, your reason to go on.. she needs you.

    Get the meds.. if they help they help if hey don't then stop taking them.. they do take a few months to work best so you will need to have them for a while and doses wiggled until you find the right one but just try them.

    If I had a friend who was hurting like you are and she didn't come talk to me I would be very upset.. Go talk to them.. start with do you mind if I offload on you a bit? Tell them you've gone for tea and sympathy.. you can always ask about their lives too.. you never know they mght need to offload too!

    It will get better in time you just need to find a path through it.. the meds might help by taking the raw edge off the emotional side giving you room to focus on moving forward.

    LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14
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  • heartbreak_star
    Get the prescription and take the meds. They will help straighten out your brain chems and help you calm down.

    I also want to send lots of hugs and best wishes.

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    It sounds like the company felt you didn't have the level of commitment they wanted.
    You clearly have other domestic responsibilities if you need to take time off for meetings with social services and to look after your grandchild if you are her carer or guardian and whilst "taking it out of annual leave" is all very well- It may have caused problems with others having to do your job at short notice or when already under staffed because someone else is already off on legitimately booked annual leave planned in the normal way.

    To some companies unreliable is just that regardless of the reasons. It doesn't mean anything more than you and the company were a bad fit at a time you have domestic responsibilities like caring for a child and they want their managers to have contingency plans in place to cover childcare and the like and not just disappear at short notice. Some companies are more family friendly than others or just more flexible.

    You probably wouldn't have had any grounds for unfair dismissal anyway so chalk it up to wrong company at the wrong time.

    It sounds like you kept working whilst there was a lot going on with family matters too so some of this "big drop" will be down to whilst you had no time to fall apart whilst working and seeing to famiy- now you do have the time - al that stress has come out in one big mass and knocked you flat.

    Be kind to yourself .....give yourself time to recover and use the councelling to help you heal. Being Superwoman is very over-rated after all :)
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

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  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,767 Forumite
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    Re the meds:
    I'd second taking them.
    BUT - give them chance to get into your system. A very good friend of mine was prescribed some tablets and she was feeling really bad on them but I googled & found loads of reports saying the same but that it only lasted 2 weeks. She's feeling much better now.

    Take care, hope you feel a little better for sharing. :)
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    I am plagued with thinking about my childhood again and really feeling very sorry for myself and everything I have been through over the years since my dd became unwell

    Have you ever had counselling about your childhood experiences? Sometimes we manage to push stuff down and carry on with life until something else happens and it all comes to the fore again.

    You are dealing with an awful lot at the moment - you'd be rather weird if it hadn't knocked you off balance.

    Although your work experience is with supporting others with mental health problems, it may be better for you to stay out of that sphere while you get yourself sorted. At some points in our lives, there's a lot to be said for having a job where you just have to turn up, do x and y and go home without taking any worries or stress to do with clients with you.
  • lincroft1710
    lincroft1710 Posts: 17,726 Forumite
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    If you have less than 2 years service with an employer you can be dismissed without reason.
    If you are querying your Council Tax band would you please state whether you are in England, Scotland or Wales
  • dancingfairy
    Having a part time job or 2 might work out better for you. Hopefully this will give you some leeway so you can spend time with the little one and get some counselling or talking therapy and just take a bit of time out to put yourself together again. Maybe a career job is not what you need but just a little part time job or 2?
    Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you've been through hell and its been ongoing for a couple of years. Eventually your body gives up and you need to rest. No one can cope with everything all at once.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Making my money go further with MSE :j
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