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I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place...

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Well I was going to AE for this but hey ho, far too many of those around of late, and this is a genuine worry I'm struggling with

Those that have seen me around the boards know I cook for a family run bar/resturaunt ( not my family) and I love it I love cooking for others, I like the place I work. I'm popular with customers and most staff ( we can't all like everyone )and my boss is just fantastic.

When hubby was working away from home it was a life saver for me, ment I wasn't sat home every weekend evening on my own, I was at work. It didn't matter that I worked all weekends and most nights. I was always available to work short notice or swap a shift as I only had me to worry about

However, hubby is now back home and working nights and weekends has become a bane of contention with us. He hates that I'm at work till the small hours and that he's walking in from work, I'm walking out to start. He's been on my case to pack it in for months now

Now,he's plying more pressure because my shifts are changing weekly at short notice, we can't plan ahead, I'm either working every night or not getting any shifts, and secondly there's my Mother and her failing business

Mother lives with us. I however have a very strained relationship with her. It's fair to say I just about tolerate her. It's too long a story to post here, but you need to know that much about us

Mums husband died three years back and she finally got a life. She made friends locally, joined everything and was out the house more then in. Then one day she walked in the door and said she was buying a shop for me to run!!!! As it was a ****** which I have no idea of, I said thanks but no thanks and that it was a mad idea. We thought that was that until we ( me and hubby) came back from holiday a few months later to find she had paid out thousands and was in the shop!

Well her new friends rallied around her whilst we were away and got the shop open, got her staff etc etc and away she went.

Only she's been losing money hand over fist ever since and has been propping it up with her pension.

Efforts to talk to her have fallen on deaf ears, rows happen every time the shop is mentioned. I was wrong to ask who her solicitor was, wrong to suggest that perhaps the boyfriend of the shop assistant wasn't the best person to do the accounts, wrong to suggest that she didn't really know these people and I was certainly wrong to suggest that she was being taken for a fool :(

Now it's all gone tits up. Shop assistant walked out and is now trying it on at a tribunal. When mother got the lap top back it had been wiped. She's now admitted to hubby that money has also gone missing She's getting abuse from these so called friends- I could go on but you get the drift

So the shhtf, and she's told hubby that she needs me there to take over and sort it out.

Notice she has told hubby. She hasn't mentioned one word to me about it. Even though we were sat at the table last night as a family eating and drinking together, not once did she bring it up

Ok so maybe I should have, yet I'm loathe to because I'm feeling rail roaded

So my dilemma Do I stop doing what I love, leave a place where my boss has been very good to me, where what I do is appreciated, leave them short staffed ( very as one cook just left and ones booked the Christmas/new year period off before she started) at the time of year when it's all hands to the deck to bail out mother?

I know I SHOULD. I know it is the right thing to do but I also know I'm going to be so very unhappy. Yet thinking how to say no is also tearing me apart. I'm not sleeping, I feel totally stressed and sick and just totally lost

Any views on what to do? How to find a way that I can be at peace with myself whatever the outcome?


I've wiped out the business as it's just too identifiable. If anyone does reply to this thread, please don't quote in case I need to delete more

Many thanks for reading
«134

Comments

  • Pricivius
    Pricivius Posts: 651 Forumite
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    As someone who had to drop my career, my first flat and all my friends to move 200 miles north to support my parents, I can understand how a family pulls at you.

    Is there any chance of a middle ground? Could you cut back at work - do 3 nights rather an 5 - and help Mum out for the rest of the time? Your employer has to realise that they've had you at their beck and call for a while, but that circumstances change and you can no longer offer that level of flexibility. I note you refer to not getting any shifts - is this likely to happen given the other staff member has resigned and another one is new?

    I would test the waters with your boss and see if a compromise is available. Explain how much you love working there and have been totally flexible for so long, but now you need to focus on your relationship with your OH and the difficulties your mum is having. If he/she is as understanding as you suggest, you can hopefully co-operate.
  • jayII
    jayII Posts: 40,693 Forumite
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    Sorry to hear about your dilemma Suki, but I disagree with you. I think you should continue doing what you love but chat to your bosses about regulating (or reducing?) your hours a bit, to take the strain out of your relationship with your hubby. Maybe both you and your husband should look at making changes to your working hours? It takes two to make a marriage, after all.

    Is your hubby now at home full time, or will he be working away again soon?

    As for your mum's business, it is one thing to help her sort the mess out, but you are not responsible for it. She is presumably a fully functioning, mentally able adult, who is responsible for her own choices and decisions.

    Good luck, it's not an easy situation for you, but your needs, wants and rights are just as important as your mother's and husbands wants!
    [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] Fighting the biggest battle of my life. :( Started 30th January 2018.
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  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    If your boss was "very good to you" wouldn't they make sure your shifts fitted in better with your changed circumstances ?

    Plenty of cooking jobs are daytime hours or part-time -it isn't the only job in the world and you owe your employer nothing more than notice period as set out in your contract.

    Your employer wouldn't put your needs above the needs of their family .....so why should you ?

    That said it's a seperate issue to if you WANT to help your MIL or indeed if you should do it ful-time or if you could reduce your hours at work/say no to last moment changes/find a part time role and offer MIL your spare hours.

    Somewhere there is a compromise -like offering MIL a day a week until she is sorted out - if you don't want the arrangement to be open ended then don't commit to that.

    Once you've worked out what you want to be able to offer then ask for a meeting with your employer to see what can be done about changes in hours and a less volatile schedule - and then go from there.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • Candyapple
    Candyapple Posts: 3,384 Forumite
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    From reading your post your mum sounds like a stubborn person who will never admit to getting it wrong to the point of cutting her nose off to spite her face (using your husband as a go-between rather than asking you directly). If she wants your help, then she should be asking you directly, to your face. Not skulking behind your back and asking your husband and then playing happy families at dinner as if nothing was ever mentioned.

    What happens if you do manage to get the business back on its feet, are you supposed to continue running it full-time? Because if you hand it back to her, surely the cycle will repeat itself and she will hire people not fit for the role/people who will use her for money and then your help will be requested to turn it around again. Why should you bear the brunt of someone else’s bad decision(s)? I know that she’s your mother but from the sounds of it your ‘relationship’ is already fragile, and I can imagine she is rather manipulative to get things her way.

    If you are feeling particularly charitable you could offer up a day or two to help her out but make sure you set your boundaries so you don’t get bullied into doing more for her than you are willing to.

    With regards to your job situation, perhaps sit down and talk to your boss and say your situation has changed and therefore could you be put forward for certain shifts/days, maybe even say you could do alternate weekends but really it’s down to your flexibility. Your husband needs to compromise, even if it means say you are working 2 weekends out of the 4 because a) it is a job you love which is never a bad thing and b) it’s extra money coming in.
    I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com
  • Petra_70
    Petra_70 Posts: 619 Forumite
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    As above ^^^ Too many parents of young (ish) adult children do this. I have seen it happen many a time. Do NOT be taken in by her emotional blackmail suki..

    Ye Gods, I hope I never become like this with my 2 kids. I am raising them to be strong independent adults; and I want them to make their way in life, not feel held hostage by me. Same when they are much older (like middle aged) and I am a pensioner; hell will freeze over before I expect them to be my carer. It just ain't gonna happen.
  • fairy_lights
    fairy_lights Posts: 9,220 Forumite
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    suki1964 wrote: »
    I know I SHOULD. I know it is the right thing to do but I also know I'm going to be so very unhappy. Yet thinking how to say no is also tearing me apart. I'm not sleeping, I feel totally stressed and sick and just totally lost
    I don't see why you should do anything you don't want to do in this situation. It sounds like your mothers business is dead in the water anyway and you quitting your job to help her out with it is just going to be delaying the inevitable. She's an adult, it was her choice to start up a business and make bad business decisions and you're not responsible for bailing her out.
    When your husband was working away, was that something he did out of choice or necessity? If it was the former and you supported him in his career then I don't see why you should be expected to give up job you love just to suit him.
    Can you speak to your manager about it and try to get more regular shifts?
  • WestonDave
    WestonDave Posts: 5,154 Forumite
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    On a purely practical level it sounds to me like you are being asked to leave a job which pays you money to go and work in a shop which isn't making any money and so if you take wages you will simply be digging your mum in deeper by adding to what she has lost - or you'll end up working like a slave for nothing. Family or not there is a time to admit that a business idea hasn't worked and to get out of it rather than throwing more good money after the already lost money.


    As said that is a separate issue from your current job difficulties and I tend to agree with those that suggest that if your boss wants/needs to keep you then he needs to start giving a bit rather than treating you as an on call slave - so at the very least some settled shift patterns need to be established (with obvious consideration for real emergency cover). That way at least if you and your husband tend to cross over at the door step it will be on a pre-determined number of nights with the other times available to plan to do something together. To be fair to him he may well have been looking forward to the two of you getting some time together once he finished working away - only to arrive home and be disappointed.
    Adventure before Dementia!
  • Out,_Vile_Jelly
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    In what way is it guaranteed that you'll be able to turn this failing business around? Even with the accounts in order and staff onside is it likely to thrive in the current economic climate? I suspect your mother will resent you whatever happens, so is it really worth the effort?
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
  • pmlindyloo
    pmlindyloo Posts: 13,052 Forumite
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    Let's separate the two issues.

    First of all your work and how it is affecting your relationship with your husband.

    When your husband was away at work you immersed yourself in your own job and, because you could, allowed your employer to 'use you' - I don't mean that in a nasty way because you were a willing participant. You worked all hours/any hours because you had no one to think about but yourself. And you enjoyed being wanted.

    Now the dynamics have changed. Your husband is back home. You work unsociable hours and never know when you will be working. This is, IMO, a recipe for disaster.

    You need to make it quite clear to your employer that things have changed and you now want to work regular hours and will only cover extra shifts if you are able. Your employer has got used to you being available They need to know that this has changed and you need to learn to say 'no'.

    If they want to dismiss you then you obviously have skills which you can use to find another job. I doubt they will dismiss you.

    Getting some regularity into your working hours isn't based on my belief that you should be 'giving in' to your OH. It is based on the principle that you want to enjoy each other's company, at least some of the time. if you don't then you need to take a look at your marriage!!!!!

    Put yourself in your OH's position. If he went to work as you came in and went into work at the beck and call of his employer when you had wanted to arrange something special then you would be cheesed off.

    I think you feel that you are being ganged up on and having been virtually 'single' for a while are finding it hard to adjust. Try to see it for what it is. Your OH wants to spend time with you and presumably have some kind of a social life.

    Now your Mother.

    Shame on her for speaking to your OH and not you. Speaks volumes that she is aware that you are/have become a very independent person and not one to be 'walked over'.

    I would help her until the mess is sorted BUT only on the proviso that you have her full cooperation and will be 'interfering' so you can sort out the mess. Not in a 'mother, you fool' way but just tackling each issue in a non judgemental way. What is done is done.
    Deep down I suspect your mother feels an idiot.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    Petra_70 wrote: »
    As above ^^^ Too many parents of young (ish) adult children do this. I have seen it happen many a time. Do NOT be taken in by her emotional blackmail suki..

    Ye Gods, I hope I never become like this with my 2 kids. I am raising them to be strong independent adults; and I want them to make their way in life, not feel held hostage by me. Same when they are much older (like middle aged) and I am a pensioner; hell will freeze over before I expect them to be my carer. It just ain't gonna happen.

    That's a bit unfair

    It isn't emotional blackmail or been held hostage - it's family.
    My Mum couldn't cope alone after a brain anurism and I ended up moving in with her as she was a strong independent woman who appreciated her privacy. She would have hated to have carers coming in and I didn't resent it - She had done so much for me over the years I had no resentment in taking my turn when she was in need. Did it mean I had to make adjustments to my life - Heck - yes ! Did I resent her for it- Heck No ! It was my choice.

    You don't know how you are going to feel about it until it happens - whether parent or adult child.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
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